Top 10 NCAA Football Poll - Contenders & Pretenders

Time is flying by, we are through week 7 of the college football season. Let's be honest, it's going by too fast. Treasure this time, because come Spring when the NBA is winding down then all you'll see is baseball highlights on Sportscenter. That right there will force you to start mixing alcoholic drinks. The top 25 poll came out this morning and we've seen Oregon move into the #1 spot in the country and Auburn making it's way up the polls as well. So let's take a deeper look into the top 10 this week and decipher who is a contender and pretender.

1. Oregon Ducks - Contender

I love my Utah Utes through and through, but if Utah isn't considered for the national championship(which they won't be) than this is the team I want to win it all. Let's face it, Oregon has been blowing people out and they've made it look easy. Sporting the best uniforms in the country and having rid themselves of the off the field issues that remind us of the Utah State Prison, Chip Kelly has his boys flying around. Everybody talks about LeMichael James but Darren Thomas might be the best kept secret in the country. Nobody talks about Thomas because James steals the show. Kind of like on Friends where everybody talks about Jennifer Aniston but Courtney Cox is clearly the more attractive women and deserves at least half the credit. All Thomas has done is throw for more than 1,500 yards with 17 TD's and 5 INT's. Why is no one talking about him? You better start talking about him because the Ducks are for real.

2. Boise State Broncos - Contender

This will be the toughest paragraph I will have to write in my entire life besides maybe my living will. People that know me know that I can't stand Boise St but I do give credit where credit is due. Now with that being said, Oregon State & Virginia Tech are respectable opponents but we've yet to see Boise State face a real test. Kellen Moore is probably the most complete quarterback in the country and his offense shows no weaknesses. I'm curious to see how Boise State matches up with an opponent that has speed on both sides of the ball. There isn't a team in the country Boise St couldn't play with but should they be considered for the national championship? Probably not, but if they were to go, they'd definitely compete. On completing this paragraph, I've successfully tasted alcohol, who knew Jack and Coke was so good.

3. Auburn - Contender

Someone tell me where the hell Cam Newton came from? Oh wait, he was recruited by Urban Meyer at Florida but didn't play because of some guy named Tim Tebow. Urban Meyer might be the best recruiter we've ever seen. Cam Newton is now the #1 front runner for the Heisman Trophy and he deserves every accolade he gets this year. I watched him single handily win games against LSU and Arkansas. I promise you he's that good. He reminds me of when I was in 4th grade and we had to play against the 6th graders in football at recess. This 6th grader would just mow over people, except me of course. I assure you I bet my lunch card at recess that the kid couldn't mow me over, and I assure you I doubled up on my chocolate milks every day. Auburn is having it's best season since 2004 when they were screwed out of the national championship. And it's all thanks to one Mr. Cam Newton. I'm smelling the Ducks vs the Tigers in the national title game as long as Newton stays healthy or some crazy Alabama fan doesn't Tonya Harding him.

4. TCU - Pretender

Watching TCU this year, I haven't been all that impressed with Andy Dalton. Jordan Wynn from Utah is beating him in passing efficiency and is on track to be Mountain West Conference Offensive player of the year. I'll tell you who does scare me is Ed Wesley and Jeremy Kerley. Kerley is the best kick returner in the country besides Shaky Smithson and Wesley is the best back nobody has ever heard of. Gary Patterson though knows how to get the most out of his teams every single year, one of the most underrated coaches in the country. TCU unfortunately showed it's true colors against Boise State last year in the Fiesta Bowl and it left a bad taste in my mouth. I've got them losing to Utah on November 6th but know they can play with anyone in the country.

5. Michigan State - Pretender

What a story out of East Lansing. Their coach has a heart attack after beating Notre Dame on a fake field goal and then keeps his team rolling through the Big Ten. The only problem is the Big Ten just isn't that good this year. Ohio State wasn't who we thought they were (cue Dennis Green) and Wisconsin I'm still not sold on. If there is one team on this list that I'd love to see have a Cinderella season, it would be Michigan State. Let's be honest, they've been pretty lucky this year. A fake punt to beat Northwestern and a fake field goal to beat Notre Dame. They need more production out of Kirk Cousins and not rely on the running game so much. Let's just be happy that there is one Michigan program that does things the right way. You hear that Rich Rod? Ya, I went there.

6. Alabama - Contender

Remember when Alabama lost to South Carolina? Well here they come and they aren't slowing down anytime soon. They are a contender up until they play Auburn and then I think Cam Newton takes care of them. Whoever wins the Alabama vs Auburn game will be playing in the national championship. Mark Ingram is healthy and he's running like Rand Sargent towards an Apple product, which in terms means like a bad out of hell. And of course there is Nick Saban, who even though is an a-hole, is one of the best coaches in the country (Note: Kylie Minogue just came on my playlist - I've missed her.) Alabama will always bring two things to the table when you play them : 1. One hell of a running game. 2. A defense that will pop you in the mouth. Don't be surprised if they are in the SEC title game or national title game.

7. Missouri - Pretender

I was surprised Missouri beat Oklahoma last night but I'm still not sold on them. Oklahoma did not look like a top 5 team last night and most of that credit deserves to be given to Missouri. If Missouri goes into Nebraska and beats the Huskers than you can mark them down as contenders. Right now, I have Nebraska beating them but not by much. Blaine Gabbertz is a stud and their defense might be more underrated than Clubber Lang in Rocky 3. I'd like to see Missouri attack down field more, they have the athletes to do it, and they have the quarterback to do it. They still have tough tests left with Nebraska and Oklahoma State on the slate. If they win those than you can book them a trip to the Fiesta Bowl.

8. Utah - Pretender (for now)

Utah can't possibly be good right? Hell they haven't played anyone, the best test they had was at Viewmont High. So no good correct? WRONG! Utah is good and here is a few reasons why. They are ffffffaaaaaaasssssssssstttttttt and this is probably the best offense they've had since 2004 if not better than 2004. QB Jordan Wynn has another year under his belt and knows the offense in and out. Their defense was supposed to be bad this year and rebuilding but they've just managed to be in the top 10 in total defense. Their kick returner Shaky Smithson is the best in the country when he's not fumbling the ball around like a drunk at a party fumbling his 40. Kyle Whittingham loves the fact that nobody is talking about his team, he likes sneaking up on people. We will find out how good Utah is when they travel to Air Force and when TCU visits Salt Lake City on November 6th.

9. Wisconsin - Pretender

Solid wins against Ohio State and a great win on the road against Iowa but to me they don't have the horses yet. Scott Tolzien is a great quarterback but he isn't a quarterback that will go out and win you games. If Wisconsin can't run the football they are in serious trouble. Without the running game there is not play action and without play action you have a one dimensional football team. Their only loss came on the road against Michigan State and it doesn't seem they really have any tough tests left this season. Mark my words, if they go to the Rose Bowl this year, they will get blown out, I assure you.

10. Ohio State - Pretender

Ohio State was exposed badly against Wisconsin but then all of a sudden come out against Purdue and just punched them in the mouth. The jury is still out on Terrell Pryor, is he accurate enough to be a great quarterback? We know he can run the ball like crazy but has yet to show he can be an efficient pocket passer. Question marks on the defense have to be a concern, they were absolutely shredded by Wisconsin's running game. One thing we do know is that Senator and Coach Jim Tressel always has teams that rebound and find themselves in a BCS bowl. I wouldn't be surprised to see Ohio State playing in the Rose Bowl or Fiesta Bowl.

Rebuilding or Reloading? Utah Jazz Preview and Predictions

Didn’t it just seem like we were watching the Utah Jazz being swept by the Los Angeles Lakers in May? Time flies but here we are the start of a new basketball season. So what are we looking at this year? No Carlos Boozer (thank heavens), no Kyle Korver (shouldn’t have let the best shooter in the league walk), and no Wesley Matthews (love the guy, but not for 32 million over 4 years). So with the new additions we have next year and with the roster set as of today, let’s take a look at the starting five and bench this year.

STARTING FIVE

PG – Deron Williams – Is there any debate about who’s starting at point guard? This was a no brainer like Ivan Drago beating Apollo Creed in Rocky IV. Deron Williams has solidified himself as the best point guard in the NBA. There isn’t a point guard in the league that can guard Williams one on one and Kobe Bryant gave it a shot in the playoffs with Phil Jackson removing him quickly. It’s finally his team, he’s the oil that makes the engine go, he’s the chocolate that goes on the sundae, and he’s worth every penny we are paying him.

SG – Raja Bell – He replaces the toughness at the shooting guard position we had last year with Wesley Matthews. Bell is a physical defender and he doesn’t back down from any player in the league. Kobe elbowed him a few years back and two plays later Bell Lawrence Taylor’d him when Bryant drove to the hoop. Not only does Bell replace the toughness, but he replaces the 3-point shooting we lost with Kyle Korver going to the Chicago Bulls. I cringed when I saw Korver had signed with the Bulls, but when Bell signed, I went to the stats on shooting. Bell for his career is a 37% 3-point shooter to Kyle Korver’s 40%. If Bell can stay healthy, which he wasn’t all of last year, than the Jazz will be in great shape at the shooting guard position.

SF – Andrei Kirilenko – If the 2003-04 Andrei Kirilenko surfaces this year than the Jazz could be scary good. Ever since the Jazz gave AK the 86 million dollar max deal back in 2004 he disappeared quicker than John Daly’s waistline. Kirilenko was an all-star that year, recorded a few 5x5 stat lines, and didn’t look like the lead singer from Def Leppard like he does now. As the best help side defender on this team, we need Kirilenko to return to his 2004 form. Swapping him and Paul Millsap between the SF and PF will be huge with Mehmet Okur still nursing his achilles injury.

PF – Paul Millsap – When Mehmet Okur comes back from injury, Millsap will head back to the bench, but for now he’s starting at the PF. Millsap is incredibly undersized and the Jazz have him listed at 6’8”. We both know that he’s not that tall and I will go out on a limb to say he’s only 6’6”. With that being said, Millsap is the best rebounder on this team, both offensively and defensively. Even though being undersized, he finds ways to score and defend. I do worry that Millsap may have taken it personal that the Jazz went out and got Al Jefferson to eventually start at the PF position. I do love the idea of them playing together since they are both physical players.

C – Al Jefferson – I will tell you this right now, Al Jefferson’s days of flying under the radar are officially over. I will also tell you that I firmly believe that Al Jefferson is a better power forward than Carlos Boozer. Let’s take a look at the last three seasons for each player, remember Al Jefferson is coming off an ACL injury from 2008.

Al Jefferson - 20.4 PPG – 11.0 RPG – 1.86 TO – 1.56 BPG - 50% FG%

Carlos Boozer – 18.9 PPG – 10.6 RPG – 2.45 TO – 0.4 BPG – 53% FG%

Let me remind you that Al Jefferson put up those stats on a team that never won more than 20 games the past three seasons. You tell me if we will miss a beat? There is a reason my friends and I gave Boozer the nickname “swinging door.” Anytime Fabricio Oberto has a double double on your starting power forward that is supposedly an all-star it’s time to cut the rope. You read it here first; Al Jefferson will have a monster year. No more kicking it out to d-leaguers for three pointers.

BENCH

CJ Miles – People will tell you that I am not the biggest CJ Miles fan and I’ve ranked him in the top 5 of my least favorite Jazz players of all-time. I loved when the Oklahoma City Thunder signed him to an offer sheet and cried harder when the Jazz resigned him. I hadn’t cried that hard since Saved by the Bell went off the air. With that being said, this has to be the year that CJ Miles breaks out. No more log jams at the SG position. CJ will be the first man off the bench to replace Raja Bell and he needs to prove he belongs there. There is no question that CJ has the talent, the athleticism, and the stroke. He’s just never had the smarts, and that’s because he’s still young. I just read that he’s only 23 and it feels like he’s been here since I was sporting girbaud jeans and a bowl cut. No, that wasn’t just last year either but I do miss the bowl cut. Bottom line, its CJ’s time to shine and I hope he proves me wrong.

Gordon Hayward – Please tell me that you think Gordon Hayward looks like the kid off the front of Mad Magazine? Google it and tell me, I can’t stop laughing. I saw Hayward play at Butler last year and in the NCAA tournament. He was easily one of the top players in the country last year. I’ve heard numerous reports that the reason the Jazz let Korver walk was to give more time to Hayward. I’m concerned about his strength and durability for an 82 game NBA season. I was extremely impressed with his versatility and handling the rock. If the kid can shoot better than the 29% he shot from the college three point line than he could be a real steal for the Jazz.

Jeremy Evans – Where do the Jazz keep finding these 2^nd round picks? Jeremy Evans is freak of nature and quite possibly could be the biggest surprise of the 2010 draft. He can defend, jump out of the gym, and rebound the basketball. The only problem is that he weighs about as much as my 10 year old nephew. He had a put back dunk in a summer league game that almost made me execute a bowel movement, it was that good. I get that same feeling after I eat at Tepanyakis. Evans could be a huge spark off the bench for us, someone that could come in and give us shot blocking when Kirilenko needs a blow. With Hayward and Evans selected, I’ve been quite pleased with the progress of both the rookies.

Kyrylo Fesenko - Besides Al Jefferson, this is the other the Jazz man that has me interested this year. He dropped 20 pounds in the offseason, he’s developed a nice little jump hook from five to eight feet, and he’s got himself a real haircut. Plus the Jazz are paying a 7’1” 280 pound walrus practically peanuts. Guys his size don’t fall in your lap unless they are Greg Ostertag (Yes that sound you heard was a dry heave.) Fesenko could turn into a valuable asset for the Jazz if he contributes in two areas, clogging up the middle while blocking shots and rebound the basketball. Sure he’ll give you the occasional garbage points but I assure you that Fesenko will make a good living with the Jazz doing those two chores. We’ll need him come playoff time against guys like Tim Duncan, Yao Ming (if he recovers from his hang nail,) Pau Gasol (the human camel,) and Andrew Bynum.

Ronnie Price – I was happy to see the Jazz keep Ronnie Price along with Earl Watson. Price won’t give you much offensively but he plays defense like a little grasshopper. If you don’t know what I’m talking about than you may want to e-mail Luke Walton and ask him about it. Price will be the third point guard on this team behind Williams and Earl Watson but could find himself as the backup if Watson ever goes down.

Earl Watson – Watson has always been a solid player but he’s never really jumped off the page. I’ve watched him with multiple teams over the years and he always seems to adapt well to whatever system he plays in. I like him as the backup to Deron Williams. He brings stability, toughness, and the ability to run the offense. At times last year watching Price run the offense was like watching an M Night Shyamalan movie, you didn’t know what the hell was going on. Ok that was below the belt but you get my point. We haven’t had a solid backup point guard since, well, Howard Eisley I guess. Boy that was tough to type that.

Francisco Elson – I’m going to be honest, I haven’t seen much of Elson, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing. Then again, he played for the San Antonio Spurs and Denver Nuggets who are both stacked at the center position. Something the Jazz have never been stacked at unless you count Felton Spencer with Antoine Carr. Feel free to stop yourself from drinking the Pledge under your sink after reading that last line because they no longer play for us. For once I’m confident in the ability of our front line due to the fact that we have multiple seven footers. Even though he’ll probably be used in spot minutes, Elson could turn out to be quite a find for us.

Mehmet Okur – I feel bad for Okur and it’s due to the fact that for the last six years he had been our most durable player. When I saw him go down against the Nuggets I looked right at my wife and said “he just ruptured his Achilles,” and I was spot on. I was thinking he should be back by February but now I am hearing that he could be back as quick as December. The Jazz shouldn’t rush him back and I think we all know they won’t do that. We need Okur healthy for the end of the season and in the playoffs. He gives us another seven footer to throw at opposing post players and he stretches the floor opening up the low post for Al Jefferson to punish people. Okur will be a huge part of the Jazz this year and if he can return to the old form before his injury than our front line will be one of the best in the NBA.

Predictions

Utah Jazz – 52 -30 – 3^rd in the West and Northwest Division champions. I’m not sold on the Oklahoma City Thunder quite yet. The division title will run back through Salt Lake City.

Foukas NFL All Decade Team 2000-2010

You know what I didn't realize? That it's 2010, a decade is past, it seems like only yesterday I was watching Charley Steiner's Sportscenter Y2K Commercial. Probably a top ten commercial of all-time. Time flies and we see new players come and go in the NFL. Taking a look back, I put together my all-decade team from 2000-2010. John Elway may be on this list even though he retired in 1999.

1. Tom Brady - QB New England Patriots

Is there really a discussion? Besides his ridiculous chin, Brady gets the nod as the top player on my decade team. 3 Super Bowl wins, 5 Pro Bowls, 2 Super Bowl MVP's, and not to mention he's tapping super model Gisele. That right there should get you the nod. Here is the reason why I have Brady listed #1. Besides Randy Moss' arrival in 2007, Brady never had a great group of receivers. Every receiver that's left New England has never amounted to anything else. Brady made them good and the fact he's never had a dominate running game. Brady is that good, he's a winner, and will go down in history as one of the best all-time.

2. Peyton Manning - QB Indianapolis Colts

Probably the smartest quarterback to play the game of football and definitely one of the hardest ones to look at. Tell me this, can you ever remember a quarterback being his own offensive coordinator? You know he just gets the play from the sideline, under his breath says F$%^ this, and changes the play. Why do you think he screams all the time at the line of scrimmage? Regardless, I've never seen a quarterback be so unstoppable. Every route he knows off the top of his head, he knows where the protection goes, and his timing is impossible to duplicate. That and he hasn't missed a game since I was a fetus. If he stays this healthy, he could probably play until he's 45.

3. Ray Lewis - MLB Baltimore Ravens

Have you ever seen a defensive player change the outcome of a game more than Ray Lewis? Lewis gets a bad rap because he shanked some guy down in Louisiana but the man knows how to find the football. Probably the best middle linebacker to ever play the game, even better than Dick Butkis. He's the most intense football player I've ever watched play the game. He doesn't back down from anyone and he never is afraid to exchange words with any player on the field. I guarantee you if Lewis hadn't been mixed up in that whole deal down South, more people would be on board with him being the best defensive player of all-time.

4. LaDanian Tomlinson RB San Diego Chargers

As much as this pains for me to write this because I'm an avid Denver Broncos fan, I watched his cat run up and down the field on the Broncos. The funny thing about LT was that he was incredibly fast but he also finished runs by lowering the shoulder. I hate the fact that he started the visor trend, except for the d-bag Phillip Rivers that wore one in college. Did I mention I can't stand Phillip Rivers? Anyways, no one could impact a game on offense like LT. He ran it, he caught it, and basically carried the Chargers organization for years. I feel bad that he was under the curse in San Diego for not winning a ring. I hope he wins one with the N.Y. Jets.

5. Jonathan Ogden - LT Baltimore Ravens

Anytime you are elected to the pro bowl 11 times you must be doing something right. Probably the best offensive lineman to ever play the game of football. You never realize how important left tackles are until you watch the move "The Blindside." By the way, thank you to that movie for making me relive the Joe Theisman leg collapsing like a lawn chair scene at the first. I could have done without that. Ogden was part of that Super Bowl team in 2001 that was won by the defensive because they had no offense. Anytime Trent Dilfer is your starting quarterback you may as well pull a guy out of a dumpster to play quarterback. Sorry, we got off topic, Ogden kept his quarterbacks clean and he made way for running backs. Just ask Jamal Lewis who had an amber alert issued for him when Ogden retired, his productivity dropped quicker than Bill Clinton's pants in the oval office.

6. Champ Bailey - CB Denver Broncos

Easily the best shutdown corner we've ever seen. Bailey has recorded 7 straight Pro Bowls and has been reliable every year he's been in the league. One of the only good moves Mike Shanahan made was trading drag queen Clinton Portis to Washington for Champ Bailey. To be honest, the trade worked out well for both teams, but I've always been a huge Bailey fan. The pick he had on the goal line in the 2005 AFC Championship game was one of the best plays I've ever seen. If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n74qajrx4b4&feature=related

7. Ed Reed - FS Baltimore Ravens

A safety that covers so much field and has the hands of a wide receiver is just flat out scary. I'd be willing to bet that quarterbacks that look across the line of scrimmage and see Reed have urinated on themselves. Reed is scary good, and like teammate Ray Lewis, changes the game unlike any player I've seen playing safety. I can count on one hand on how many picks he's taken to the house and punts he's returned for touchdowns. Anytime this guy touches the ball you better watch out. I would definitely say he's a top 3 safety of all-time. He gives Ronnie Lott a run for his money.

8. Tony Gonzalez - TE Atlanta Falcons

Like LT, this guy terrorized my Broncos for years. Easily the best tight end to play the game of football. I read a stat where he hasn't missed a game in 10 years. For a tight end? That's ridiculous. The guy weighs close to 250 lbs and just runs over people. And not to mention he has the hands of a wide receiver. He's another guy I want to see win a ring even though the a-hole single handily kept me awake after running down the middle of the field on Denver.

9. Troy Polamalu - SS Pittsburgh Steelers

Is there anyone else that means more to their team than Troy Polamalu? Besides Kyle Orton? Just kidding, but seriously this guy means more on his team than anyone in the NFL. You saw the Steelers last year after they lost Polamalu, they folded like Barack Obama in 2011's Democratic race. It's a give, Obama is done, and thank the Lord for that. Not only does this guy punish running backs coming up the middle, he also punished wide receivers for coming across the middle. Also the most important part, his hair is insured for a cool million dollars. This guy will keep terrorizing people for the next 10 years.

10. Randy Moss - WR New England Patriots

This kills me to put this guy here because he quit on the last organization he played for in the Oakland Raiders. Ok check that, I'd probably quit on them too, what an awful franchise. Moss has freakish ability. Hops, speed, hands, and the ability to fake moon people at the Lambeau Field. The guy hasn't put it altogether yet though. It's too bad he hasn't because the guy could have been one of the greatest receivers of all-time. Let's hope he turns things around and stays with the Pats, he won't play with another great receiver like Tom Brady, he better realize what he's got.

Top 5 TV Characters I'd Love to Hang Out With

Generally this is supposed to be a sports blog, but I need to be like Chelsea Handler's night time alcoholic drink and mix it up. I couldn't sleep last night and so I thought of an immediate blog topic that I could start in the morning, what TV characters would I like to hang out with. I think we can all agree that we have our own individual lists of characters. And then there is probably people who claim "Well I don't watch TV," and to them I say well then you're not American. Before you start down this list Rand Sargent and Ike Tingey, you will not find Kramer, George, or Seinfeld on this list, I actually dislike Seinfeld, and I have been very clear with you on that since day 1 of our friendship. I actually I take it back, I don't dislike Seinfeld, I just don't find it hilariously funny like 30 of my other friends do, I can only take Kramer's bed hair so much in an episode. With that being said, on to the list.

#5 - Olivia Benson & Elliot Stabler - Law and Order SVU

My wife and I starting watching this show right after we tied the night and I must say it's absolutely wonderful. There's nothing like watching Elliot Stabler put his forearm into some sex offender's throat (something I'm sure we'd all like to do one day) and telling them the next time he sees them that they'll be hooked up to a lethal injection needle. No kidding around, the guy doesn't bluff, and neither do I. Stabler and Benson are perfect compliments to each other, Stabler is the muscle, and Benson is there to keep Stabler on the train track but she has a tendency to get feisty herself. You go on a ride along with these two and you are guaranteed to see : a) a crime scene in which I've always wanted to investigate, b)Elliot toss some dirt bag down the stairs and spit in his face, c) you get to hang around New York all day, what better three things to ask for? All in the life of a special victims unit officer.

#4 - Lauren Conrad & others - The Hills

Now obviously this isn't a TV character but she is in a TV reality show, so it counts, if you have a problem with it well then I have a four letter word I can tell you to go to. Another show my wife introduced me to when I started dating her and one that I have tried to watch every week. Here is Lauren's day : Wake up, go to school, go to lunch at some ridiculous restaurant (by the way I'm baffled by how many people spell ridiculous rediculous,) and go get hammered at the end of the night and make $50,000 an episode. I'll take that for $300 Alex, except the part of getting hammered, who knows how us Foukas' would handle our liquor. Here's the thing, Lauren is probably the most loyal friend out of anyone on The Hills, but she is also probably the most dramatic. I couldn't hang out with Spencer because he belongs in Arkham Asylum. I couldn't hang out with Heidi because if you hug her you would get a concussion (use your imagination), and if she tripped and fell she would be like the T-1000 in Terminator 2 and just shatter. Lauren honestly seems the most normal out of all of them. I remember Hilary Felsted laughing at me in our Communication Theory class when I told her I watched The Hills, well Hilary it's one of the most watched shows in the world, who is laughing now? On a quick note, really Brody Jenner? You got rid of Kristin for Avril Lavigne? I mean make it interesting and date Hayley Williams from Paramore but Avril Lavigne? Gag me.

#3 - Babysit for Stewie Griffin - Family Guy

There's no denying it, Stewie is the funniest character on Family Guy. I love how Family Guy portrays him as some evil baby yet when The Children of Jolly Farm come on TV he can't be pulled away. Stewie has done everything from getting sauced to deal with his problems, juicing it after he got beat up by a baby girl, and hung out with the cast of Star Trek. Wait, I've dealt with friends like that already minus hanging out with the cast of Star Trek. I've yet to find anyone that's hung out with Whoopi Goldberg or Will Wheaton, kind of a bummer. But anyways, you can't dispute Stewie's humor, at times it can be a little much but for the most part you always pee yourself with laughter. My wife will always say "When Family Guy is on, you will always watch it!" My only reply to her is that I'm wheezing because I'm laughing so hard. That and I haven't taken care of myself since my senior year of high school. I always enjoy getting texts from Dave Tibbs and Ike Tingey about a specific episode of Family Guy where Stewie does something crazy and we all laugh about it. One thing is for sure, all of us would love to hang out with the great Stewie Griffin

#2 - Dwight K. Schrute - The Office

Three reasons why I would hang out with Dwight. 1.) He drives a 1987 Pontiac Trans Am. 2.) He listens to Motley Crue anytime he is going into a sales call (if you don't know who Motley Crue is than I'm going to have to ask you to stop reading this blog.) 3.) He's gullible to believe the stupidest things in the world. For instance, we know that he's 99.9% sure that the guy Jim hired for Phyllis' party is not the real Ben Franklin. The fact that he believes Gaydar is a real product sold the deal for me. I used to think Steve Carrell made The Office funny but now I firmly believe that Rainn Wilson makes that show go. Carrell is good but there is only so much awkwardness I can take in a season. I think my favorite Dwight scene is when he finds out Michael grilled his foot in his George Foreman grill, flies out of the parking lot and tags a telephone pole, gets out of his car and pukes on the back of it. I don't think I have laughed so hard in my life except when I saw Brody Van Brocklin dance for the first time. If you have seen the movie Pinocchio than you know exactly what I'm talking about. This choice was easy, in the words of Michael to Dwight, Keep it simple stupid.

#1 - Dr. Sheldon Cooper & Howard Wolowitz - The Big Bang Theory

Justin Denney introduced me to this show about two months ago and I haven't been able to stop watching it. I just finished season three and stoked about this upcoming season. If I had to pick between these two to be number one I would definitely go with Sheldon. He makes the show go, without him there is now Big Bang Theory. Howard is the perverted Jewish guy desperate for a girlfriend while Sheldon is the exact opposite, and he uses the word koydos for the word sex. Never have heard of it but it may become my favorite word. Besides, Sheldon shares my same love for vintage video games, he owns every gaming system known to man. How can you not love the way Howard dresses in this sitcom? The Nintendo belt buckle I will find one day, and I will sport it on the golf course. If you haven't watched The Big Bang Theory, I suggest you do it, you will become addicted, and it'll be a good addicition. Unlike Tiger Woods' addiction that cost him his marriage and golf game. See that, I made another joke, Bazinga!

I encourage you to post your favorite quotes or scenes from any of the characters above if you'd like. Enjoy

Random Thoughts from the Past Week

University of Utah Football

We are into week 3 of the football season and the boys are off to another solid start. Coming off a blowout with a backup QB against UNLV, Utah is on it's way to another solid season. This team reminds me a lot of the 2008 team that went 13-0. Solid running game, solid offensive and defensive lines, and a defense that will flat out lay the wood to you. If you need any indication on how hard this defense hits, please see Brian Blechen's hit on UNLV's Mark Barefield. If I would have taken that hit I would have had urine and poop running down my leg. A lot of people doubted the linebackers for this team but I have been extremely impressed. They're fast, athletic, and Chaz Walker undoubtedly reminds me of Chaz Michael Michaels from Blades of Glory, although I don't know if he's an ice devouring sex tornado. Note: Blades of Glory in my book just about beat out Anchorman as Will Ferrell's best movie. Jordan Wynn at times reminds me of a cool collected quarterback and other times he reminds me of Jake Plummer, the old mountain man gunslinger who was best known for throwing off his back foot. Two things the season will rest on : Jordan Wynn's ability to protect the football and the secondary getting settled in. Do those two things and we may be packing our bags to another solid bowl game this year. That and we need to beat TCU - - how can I forget that damn horned frogs from down south?

BYU Football - Independence & Two Quarterback System

I guess I'm still having a hard time understanding why Bronco Mendenhall went with a two quarterback system to start the year. It's like choosing between Khloe or Kim Kardashian, hello, you'll take Kim any day of the week and twice on Sunday. Let me ask you this, you are breaking in a whole new offensive side of the ball besides a few wide receivers, why not start with a fresh QB? Especially a 5-star athlete and not a castoff from Utah State. Take it easy Aggie fans, I cheer for your football program, but let's be realistic, the only thing to cheer for up north is your cheese, and get rid of that stupid cult chant you do during the basketball games. If I'm Bronco, I come out tomorrow and say Jake Heaps is my guy for the rest of the year. Let the kid learn the hard way, look what happened to Jordan Wynn. During the TCU game he got beat up more times than Tiger Woods did with a 3 iron from his wife. Note: I glanced at the People Magazine article that his wife gave, in which she claims that she never harmed Tiger. OK, so why does Tiger take off at 2 a.m. unless he is being assaulted? That's like saying I've never ate at Buffalo Wild Wings, which is the greatest restaurant on the face of the earth. BYU fans should call for Heaps, he should be the man for the rest of the year.

I'm still trying to understand why they are going independent. 3 teams in NCAA athletics are independent, what does that tell you about the success rate? They aren't getting the same love that Notre Dame is getting, which Notre Dame's last good season was 2005 when they were getting blown out by Ohio State in the Fiesta Bowl. I understand they want to launch their own broadcasting network and I understand they signed the deal with ESPN and it's more money. But it won't equate to more wins, unless they take the Hawaii route and then they will be laughed right off of the national scene. BYU pulled the classic "I'm taking my ball and going home, nobody wants to play with me." Well, enjoy mediocrity for the next 10 years, you'll look back on this with regret.

"Chris, why do you golf so much?"

I guess the real question is, why the hell does anyone care? No but realistically, the golf course is a great place to get away. It's the one place where you don't need to worry about anything else but hitting your next shot or for me when to drop the next expletive. There is nothing better than getting up at 7 a.m. and meeting friends at Davis Golf Course to play just right as the sun comes up. Hardly anyone is out, you can hit multiple balls, and you can cuss as loud as you want. Between shots you talk about Utah football, how much work blows chunks, and how Lady Gaga has emerged as the greatest artist to walk the face of the earth. OK, that last part was all my doing, but when one guy says Panic at the Disco (Ike) is the best band, and the other guy just listens to AM radio (Rand), I don't have much to argue with. I enjoy the game, I'm not great at it, but it's a game you can enjoy without being a scratch golfer.

9/11/2001 - 9 Years Later

Boy I can't believe it's been nine years since the September 11th attacks. I remember walking into the old field house at Davis to put my football gear away for practice that day. Brody Van Brocklin came in and told me that a plane had crashed into one of the World Trade Center towers. I honestly thought it was an accident. Went to my first class and realized that we were under attack when we saw the next plane crash into the second tower. Words can't describe what must have been going through the minds of the passengers on those planes. Words can't describe what people were thinking seeing a plane flying into their work building. Horrific scenes of people jumping out of the towers because it was so unbearably hot, people running from the towers collapsing, and watching people post pictures at a command center hoping their loved ones would be found or identified. I remember hearing Afghanistan and the name Osama Bin Laden and my reaction was "load up the Anola Gay with Little Boy and drop the a-bomb on them." I remember how angry I was and I realize how much I appreciate those who keep my family safe every night fighting overseas. Words can't express what our soldiers should mean to us, everyday we hear about a car bombing, an ambush, or a suicide bomber going off overseas. Paul Butterworth, Tyler Burgin, Dustin Durrant, and the rest of you, thank you for serving. This country is safer because of you. And thank you to the rest of our men and women serving all over the world.

UNITED WE STAND

We've all seen these people - People you have to laugh at

While I was surfing on the internet today at work, I came across a few pictures that absolutely blew my mind. But then again, I think we've all seen people from these pictures and have just lost it with laughter. I guarantee you that the pictures you see below will be able to be related to you in some way. Whether it's people you can't stand or people that you can't stand to look at without rolling our eyes. Let's look at some of the pictures I came across today.

A good look at BYU fans growing up, or do they ever grow up?


















Ok I know what you are thinking, it's a low blow to BYU fans. But how can you not laugh at this picture? We've all met that BYU fan before. The BYU fans that were claiming that they were going to the national championship after beating 5-7 Oklahoma last year. Or wearing those Quest for Perfection t-shirts after destroying Division II Northern Iowa in their 2008 opener. To be honest, I actually like most BYU fans but there are some that are absolutely out of their mind. This poor kid, unfortunately doesn't have much of a chance. His parents are bathing him in BYU glory, well, Las Vegas Bowl glory I mean.

Really? I thought NSYNC broke up?



My favorite group of guys, classic tool bags. Not only do they have that Lance Bass look alike, but they also have matching Jersey Shore hairstyles. I mean come on guys, you really all do your hair alike? These guys have had to get laughed right out of the club. But then again, haven't we seen guys like this before? Guarantee there was a group of guys like this in your high school or college classes. Guys that wanted to live up the days of being a boy band and being eachother's wing man. I honestly wonder if these tools showed their faces after this picture was taken in whatever club they were in. We both know they were asked not to come back.

I like pink shirts but all at the same time? And all popping their collars?



We've seen these guys definitely at college parties, and let's just say the ride home we all laughed at them. Come on guys, matching shirts? Matching popped collars? We know they are matching d-bags. You can't fault them, they all look so happy together, they are the bestest friends ever. Good grief, get me a vomit bag. I honestly want to find the guy that invited them to their party. If they just invited them to take this picture for a good laugh. I look at it five times a day and I urinate on myself every time with laughter.

Give the man some credit, he's got mad confidence.



I remember sending my brother Josh an e-mail a few years back about this picture. And I got a reply back saying, how is this funny? The guy will probably die? Have a sense of humor Josh, this isn't law school, it's an e-mail I sent. And if the guy dies or has died, at least he died with a sense of humor and confidence. Find me another heavy set guy besides myself that will sport a shirt like this. He's not afraid of himself, I like it, I'd pick this guy on my team every time. For what sport I'm not quite sure. I'd just pick him up for moral support.

After 2 years I'm speechless -- Interesting picture of Max Hall, Dennis Pitta, and Austin Collie



Well Austin Collie was right, when you live right on and off the field, magic happens. So does living right mean doing a photo shoot with two other teammates that just officially made you public mockery by your rivals. Max obviously added to that after rant about how much he hates the University of Utah after they beat Utah last year. If I was in the post game press conference after that game and Max was going off on his rant, I would have raised my hand and said "Max, are you upset that when Utah fans poured beer on your family that they got it all over your abercrombie photo with Dennis and Austin?" Oh poor Max, Dennis, and Austin, there's no getting out of this one. This one stays on my desktop forever to just laugh at you fools. Best part about this picture? Max Hall modeling the great button up sweater of Mr. Rogers. Well hello neighbor.

Maybe not as bad as this cat, but I've had this done to me



As much as I hate admitting, two tool bags that I went to school with drew the word "penis" on my forehead and a name of a girl that I dated in high school that my friends always love to remind me of drawn on my cheek. It's not fun, not when someone draws a wiener on the other side of your face. Dave Tibbs, you know who you are. Granted this picture is still pretty damn funny. I mean, this kid totally got owned, there is no way he's getting all of that marker off. He looks like a guy from the Blue Man Group. He may as well just leave it on because it's not coming off.

5 Goals To Be Reached by August 20th, 2011 (Tenative - May Subject to Change)

Everyone has goals in life, the ones listed below are absolutely realistic. Ok, well four of them. Ok, maybe three of them, regardless, everyone in life needs to have direction. What a better way to put yourself in the right direction with a GOAL LIST! Now, these are personal goals, many of you will probably laugh at the notions below. I only have one thing to say to you, go suck a railroad spike. With that being said, these goals need to be accomplished by August 20th, 2011, which is exactly one year from now. Laugh it up all you want, but they laughed at Louie Armstrong when he went to the moon, and look who's laughing now.

These are listed from least important to most important.

5. Qualify for one of the World Series of Poker's Tournaments next Summer.
Yes, you read #5 correctly. Everyone has atleast one unreachable goal on their list, this is mine. You may ask yourself "Well, Chris, you are Mormon, you can't play in a poker tournament." I realize what I might do is frowned upon, but that would really only be my chance to be on ESPN. Lord knows I won't be broadcast on the wide world of sports due to my athleticism since I haven't had any since the 9th grade. Sleepness nights listening to my wife's on and off again snoaring has given me the opportunity to watch some of the events on ESPN. I'd give myself a good chance to compete with some of those guys that play in the events down in Vegas, they don't call me King Louie for nothing. I'm like a Charles Dickens novel, I'm tough to read. I could go all-in with 4-3 when the flop says ace, king, jack, 10, and you would have no idea what I have. Or I single handily trap you with pocket jacks with a jack on the flop and slow play you until you go all in and I snatch you like the plant from Little Shop of Horrors. One thing is for sure, if you hear Norman Chad call my name for a final table, don't be surprised.

4. Break 80 at Davis Golf Course in Fruit Heights, Utah
Most of you already know that I love to golf. And I play with two damn good players (no not you Johnny Darrohn) in Rand Sargent & Ike Tingey. It's almost unfair to play with them (that's what she said) because they are so long (that's what she said) off the tee. Rand is probably the best putter I've ever seen and Ike is the most consistent player I've played with..............that sounded bad, that I've golfed with. One thing they have done is encouraged me to get better as a golfer. Now we all know I'll never be a scratch golfer. Maybe a 5 to 6 handicapper is realistic. So my best scores have come at different courses, 77 at Eaglewood golf course in 2008(also the day that Ike and I rolled our cart going down number 15 which I take full responsibility for his concussion,) 78 at Lakeside golf course, and 81 at Wasatch Mountain State Park. For some odd reason, I never put 18 holes together at Davis Park. I don't know what it is about Davis, it gives me fits. One day I will break 80 at Davis, and it will be before August 20th of 2011. Last week I played with my lovely wife, I fired a 38 on the front 9 which is the best I've ever shot on the front. On my way to breaking 80 correct? Wrong my friends, I blew up like a pipeline for BP Oil. Walking off number 18 I was stunned, I hadn't realized what had happened to my round that was going so well. It was like watching an episode of The Gates, you couldn't really understand what was happening. It also doesn't help that you only hit 3 fairways throughout the day and that I look exactly like Craig Stadler. If my short game gets better along with my putter, I think I can acheive being a 6 handicapper with many chances to break 80 at Davis. Just watch and see.

3. Get the hell out of retail - - before it drives me to drink.
Don't get me wrong, Verizon Wireless is a great company, great benefits, and I absolutely love who I work with. It's the fact that I deal with the people from the Hills Have Eyes that drive me bananas. Questions about how many minutes the unlimited plan has can only keep a person sane for so long. Or the 36,703 questions we get a week about when Verizon will get the iPHone. Do I look like Steve Jobs? Does it look like I have a receding hairline? Am I an ass to people? No, I'm not the CEO of Apple, I don't know. The hours of retail also bite the big one as well, I hate the fact that I get off at 8 o'clock while my wife has been home since 5. I mean, I have to be home so I can watch the Real World and the Hills with her, that's a no brainer. Tuesday nights when Glee is on are the nights I'm ok getting off at 8. It mostly just has to do with some customer's coming in just pissed off at the world. For exmaple, one gentlemen who supposidly has been gift wrapped the world comes in and says "I need a Droid X, customer service said you had one, and I could get it for free." I politely replied "Sir, the cheapest I can do the Droid X for is $99.00 after rebate if you have a credit on your account." The gentlemen then replied "Well I think I should get it for free, I've been a customer since 2001." In my head I said "Well my friend they want ice cubes in hell too." Of course I can't say that. You are treated like excrement in retail sales, no one respects you. Besides, I swear I got a degree for something, I may as well use it. The only problem is that I picked the worst time to graduate college. I'm filling out job applications and Barack Obama is playing hoops with Carmelo Anthonly, LeBron James, and Chris Paul. Someone tell me what's wrong with this picture? I love our country. Let's keep our fingers crossed to be out of retail by the end of the year.

2. Get back to my chizzled 200 lb frame and don't do it the John Daly route.
That's no lie, my senior year I weighed 195 to 200 lbs. Now, I'm up towards Orlando Pace territory at a whopping 258 lbs. Not good when your 26 years old. Not good when the only way I can score in hoops is by punishing people on the low block. Not good when I hit a softball to the fence and I can only make it to 2nd base. Not good when people come up to you and ask when you are due. Ok maybe the last one was a lie but that's what Ike says to me all the time. My reply to Ike is let me see your rib cage. The main point here is that I'm in terrible shape, I've let myself go to waste. My goal is to find a diet that works for me, stick to it, and get back to looking like Colin Farrell. You know it's bad when you sit down at a poker table in Vegas with your brother that's 4 years older than you and people say the only reason I look younger is because I can't grow facial hair. And the fact that my oldest brother right now has turned into Lance Armstrong and is probably biking to Mars right now is not doing me any favors. I never thought I'd see the day that my brother Josh would enjoy wearing spandex, but not the point. It's time to stop looking like I'm nine months pregnant. I figure I'll start slow, shed some pounds here and there, and casually work my way down to 200 lbs. If you see me in one year and I look like a shrivled up Frank Layden, well then you know I reached my goal.

1. Start a fam damily- - Oh boy, a little Lewis running around or Lewina for a girl.
All of you take a deep breath -- yes you heard me right. I figure Randi and I should start trying to have kids some time in the next couple of months. It would also be easier if I was out of retail so I don't get home at 8 o'clock at night and she's ready to toss the kid out the window. Can you imagine if the kid got Randi's athleticism and my looks? We would have a little Tom Brady walking around Kaysville. Ok, maybe both Randi's looks and athleticism, we don't need our kid to have my looks so people start asking why he or she looks like E.T. At first I was little scared to have kids. I had the opportunity to spend a day with Jeff & Ali Jensen's little boy Quinn. He may be one of the cutest kids I've ever seen, he's well behaved, and his hair is immaculate, and I mean immaculate. I know what you are thinking, if Jeff can be a good dad than I'm good to go. That's not what I meant. Being around those kids all weekend was a blast, just think about being around them 24/7? I can hear Mom's screaming at their computer screen right now after reading that last line. The main point is that I believe I'm ready to be a pops, I hope we get to find out within the next year.

There you have it my friends, stay tuned on updates on the goals listed above.