5 Goals To Be Reached by August 20th, 2011 (Tenative - May Subject to Change)

Everyone has goals in life, the ones listed below are absolutely realistic. Ok, well four of them. Ok, maybe three of them, regardless, everyone in life needs to have direction. What a better way to put yourself in the right direction with a GOAL LIST! Now, these are personal goals, many of you will probably laugh at the notions below. I only have one thing to say to you, go suck a railroad spike. With that being said, these goals need to be accomplished by August 20th, 2011, which is exactly one year from now. Laugh it up all you want, but they laughed at Louie Armstrong when he went to the moon, and look who's laughing now.

These are listed from least important to most important.

5. Qualify for one of the World Series of Poker's Tournaments next Summer.
Yes, you read #5 correctly. Everyone has atleast one unreachable goal on their list, this is mine. You may ask yourself "Well, Chris, you are Mormon, you can't play in a poker tournament." I realize what I might do is frowned upon, but that would really only be my chance to be on ESPN. Lord knows I won't be broadcast on the wide world of sports due to my athleticism since I haven't had any since the 9th grade. Sleepness nights listening to my wife's on and off again snoaring has given me the opportunity to watch some of the events on ESPN. I'd give myself a good chance to compete with some of those guys that play in the events down in Vegas, they don't call me King Louie for nothing. I'm like a Charles Dickens novel, I'm tough to read. I could go all-in with 4-3 when the flop says ace, king, jack, 10, and you would have no idea what I have. Or I single handily trap you with pocket jacks with a jack on the flop and slow play you until you go all in and I snatch you like the plant from Little Shop of Horrors. One thing is for sure, if you hear Norman Chad call my name for a final table, don't be surprised.

4. Break 80 at Davis Golf Course in Fruit Heights, Utah
Most of you already know that I love to golf. And I play with two damn good players (no not you Johnny Darrohn) in Rand Sargent & Ike Tingey. It's almost unfair to play with them (that's what she said) because they are so long (that's what she said) off the tee. Rand is probably the best putter I've ever seen and Ike is the most consistent player I've played with..............that sounded bad, that I've golfed with. One thing they have done is encouraged me to get better as a golfer. Now we all know I'll never be a scratch golfer. Maybe a 5 to 6 handicapper is realistic. So my best scores have come at different courses, 77 at Eaglewood golf course in 2008(also the day that Ike and I rolled our cart going down number 15 which I take full responsibility for his concussion,) 78 at Lakeside golf course, and 81 at Wasatch Mountain State Park. For some odd reason, I never put 18 holes together at Davis Park. I don't know what it is about Davis, it gives me fits. One day I will break 80 at Davis, and it will be before August 20th of 2011. Last week I played with my lovely wife, I fired a 38 on the front 9 which is the best I've ever shot on the front. On my way to breaking 80 correct? Wrong my friends, I blew up like a pipeline for BP Oil. Walking off number 18 I was stunned, I hadn't realized what had happened to my round that was going so well. It was like watching an episode of The Gates, you couldn't really understand what was happening. It also doesn't help that you only hit 3 fairways throughout the day and that I look exactly like Craig Stadler. If my short game gets better along with my putter, I think I can acheive being a 6 handicapper with many chances to break 80 at Davis. Just watch and see.

3. Get the hell out of retail - - before it drives me to drink.
Don't get me wrong, Verizon Wireless is a great company, great benefits, and I absolutely love who I work with. It's the fact that I deal with the people from the Hills Have Eyes that drive me bananas. Questions about how many minutes the unlimited plan has can only keep a person sane for so long. Or the 36,703 questions we get a week about when Verizon will get the iPHone. Do I look like Steve Jobs? Does it look like I have a receding hairline? Am I an ass to people? No, I'm not the CEO of Apple, I don't know. The hours of retail also bite the big one as well, I hate the fact that I get off at 8 o'clock while my wife has been home since 5. I mean, I have to be home so I can watch the Real World and the Hills with her, that's a no brainer. Tuesday nights when Glee is on are the nights I'm ok getting off at 8. It mostly just has to do with some customer's coming in just pissed off at the world. For exmaple, one gentlemen who supposidly has been gift wrapped the world comes in and says "I need a Droid X, customer service said you had one, and I could get it for free." I politely replied "Sir, the cheapest I can do the Droid X for is $99.00 after rebate if you have a credit on your account." The gentlemen then replied "Well I think I should get it for free, I've been a customer since 2001." In my head I said "Well my friend they want ice cubes in hell too." Of course I can't say that. You are treated like excrement in retail sales, no one respects you. Besides, I swear I got a degree for something, I may as well use it. The only problem is that I picked the worst time to graduate college. I'm filling out job applications and Barack Obama is playing hoops with Carmelo Anthonly, LeBron James, and Chris Paul. Someone tell me what's wrong with this picture? I love our country. Let's keep our fingers crossed to be out of retail by the end of the year.

2. Get back to my chizzled 200 lb frame and don't do it the John Daly route.
That's no lie, my senior year I weighed 195 to 200 lbs. Now, I'm up towards Orlando Pace territory at a whopping 258 lbs. Not good when your 26 years old. Not good when the only way I can score in hoops is by punishing people on the low block. Not good when I hit a softball to the fence and I can only make it to 2nd base. Not good when people come up to you and ask when you are due. Ok maybe the last one was a lie but that's what Ike says to me all the time. My reply to Ike is let me see your rib cage. The main point here is that I'm in terrible shape, I've let myself go to waste. My goal is to find a diet that works for me, stick to it, and get back to looking like Colin Farrell. You know it's bad when you sit down at a poker table in Vegas with your brother that's 4 years older than you and people say the only reason I look younger is because I can't grow facial hair. And the fact that my oldest brother right now has turned into Lance Armstrong and is probably biking to Mars right now is not doing me any favors. I never thought I'd see the day that my brother Josh would enjoy wearing spandex, but not the point. It's time to stop looking like I'm nine months pregnant. I figure I'll start slow, shed some pounds here and there, and casually work my way down to 200 lbs. If you see me in one year and I look like a shrivled up Frank Layden, well then you know I reached my goal.

1. Start a fam damily- - Oh boy, a little Lewis running around or Lewina for a girl.
All of you take a deep breath -- yes you heard me right. I figure Randi and I should start trying to have kids some time in the next couple of months. It would also be easier if I was out of retail so I don't get home at 8 o'clock at night and she's ready to toss the kid out the window. Can you imagine if the kid got Randi's athleticism and my looks? We would have a little Tom Brady walking around Kaysville. Ok, maybe both Randi's looks and athleticism, we don't need our kid to have my looks so people start asking why he or she looks like E.T. At first I was little scared to have kids. I had the opportunity to spend a day with Jeff & Ali Jensen's little boy Quinn. He may be one of the cutest kids I've ever seen, he's well behaved, and his hair is immaculate, and I mean immaculate. I know what you are thinking, if Jeff can be a good dad than I'm good to go. That's not what I meant. Being around those kids all weekend was a blast, just think about being around them 24/7? I can hear Mom's screaming at their computer screen right now after reading that last line. The main point is that I believe I'm ready to be a pops, I hope we get to find out within the next year.

There you have it my friends, stay tuned on updates on the goals listed above.