Pet Peeves of a Cell Phone Salesmen

Rand Sargent, Tyler Gapinski, Nate Herr, Asaad Salleh, and Jake Atwater can all attest to what I'm about to vent about. By the way, it feels like an eternity since the last time I've written a post about something else besides sports, but what can I say? Sports gets me going.

Now being a cell phone salesmen is definitely not the greatest gig in the world but I also can't complain. My wife and I live comfortably, I make a good living, and it puts a golf club in my hand once a week. Is it a career? Obviously not. Only problem is I graduated with a degree from Weber State University at a time when our President is more worried about where LeBron James is going to play next year than trying to fix the economy. Wait, President Obama is trying to fix the economy. He's approving stimulus bills to fix broken bridges in cities in Alabama that have a population of six people. Our tax dollars at work.

Most of the customers I deal with about 95% of the time have their heads on straight and they are the coolest people. The other 5%, let's just say they make Anna Nicole Smith look like Sarah Palin. Customers like Tanya Waters, Teya Wilson, Courtney Pitcher, and Scott Lewis all make the job easier. But it's customer's that don't realize we are in 2010 and that Huey Lewis and the News are no longer touring. So with that being said, top 5 pet peeves of a cell phone salesmen from Chris Foukas' point of view. The others listed above may have different opinions on some.

1. "Ok I'll look up your account, what's your phone number?"

I deal with this almost two or three times a week. A customer will come in complaining about her phone not being able to do her laundry and wants me to fix it. So I ask "Ok what's your phone number?" Their reply, "Hell I don't know my number, you find it for me, I don't call myself." This is the point where I ask the customer if her parents are brother and sister. How long have cell phones been in play? Mid 90's? How in the world do you not know your phone number? When a school asks for an emergency contact number for your son and daughter, do you give them that same reply? "OK Mrs X, if your son or daughter decides to Joe Theisman their arm, what's the best number to reach you on?" "Hell I don't know, call 911, I don't call myself." I made this analogy to a customer the other day. I get my oil changed through Kaysville Express Lube, they do a terrific job by the way. If I walked into their office and said "Yes, I need an oil change on my car." "Ok what kind of car do you have?" "What? You want me to look under the hood? How the hell should I know what kind of car I drive?" You know a mechanic is going to come escort me to the back of the shop, tire wrench me right in the knee cap, poor oil on me, and say with a Brooklyn accent "You sure you don't remember your car model you worthless sack of excrement."

2. "I've been with Verizon Wireless since before you were born."

Ah, my favorite reply to when I have to break the news to a customer that he or she isn't available for an upgrade. "Sir, it doesn't look like you're eligible to upgrade until September 2011, you just upgraded last June." "Well I've been with Verizon since your mother was changing your diapers and Ronald Reagan was President." "Sir Verizon Wireless formed in 2000, I'm not sure how that's possible, unless I'm 10 years old? Which of course my wife tells me I act like that." "Get me your effing manager!" Honestly that's how it plays out. Customer's honestly think we are out to get them when we tell them they aren't eligible to upgrade their phone. Last time I checked, some of our pay is based off you upgrading, why would I not want you to upgrade? I'm not one to argue with customers, but sometimes I do have to question someone's logic of thinking.

3. Some customer's are just flat out dirt bags

I ran into this situation about 3 weeks ago. Customer comes into my store and tells me that his phone keeps freezing on him when he tries to send a text message. So he and his wife are standing right in front of me when he hands me his phone for me to look at. What do I find right on the front of the screen? Some wallpaper of a naked biker chick sitting on a Harley Davidson. I look up, glance at him, and then his wife, hand the phone to him and said, "would you mind changing the wallpaper?" He then laughs with a smart ass remark "What? You don't like what you see?" My reply, "No sir, I actually enjoy being married." He had the nuts to ask me that. I could have replied with "Look I know your wife looks like the bottom of my foot but porn isn't my thing." You would think that some people would have the decency to change something like that if you are having someone look at your phone. The best part about it is that his wife is standing right next to him, how can this not bother you? My wife tries to kick me in the nuts if I say the lead singer from Paramore has a terrific voice and this dude has some naked chick on her phone with his wife standing right next to him. "Oh my wife and I are the happiest people in the world." I immediately go to my Dr.Evil reply, "Riiiiiiggggggggghhhhhhhhtttttttt."

4. "You should tell the CEO that."

A lady came in a few days ago to exchange a device out for a different device and was upset that we charged a $35 restocking fee. Look I don't agree with the restocking fee, but it's nothing I can control. So when I tell her I have no authority to change the policy, she tells me I should e-mail or call the CEO of Verizon Wireless to tell him that we should change it. Here is how that conversation would go with Lowell McAdam, CEO of Verizon Wireless.

Chris: Hey Lowell, it's Chris Foukas from the Layton Store, I have a customer that is really upset about the restocking fee and wants us to change it.

Lowell: Uh who are you and why are you bothering me on my yacht while I'm in the Caribbean?

I usually will just pull the Jim Halper from The Office routine when Dwight and Michael ask him to look up Gaydar on Sharper Images website. A few taps from my keyboard and I reply with "Ok it's been sent, I'll let you know when he replies back." If you don't know what I'm talking about, see below.



5. "I got an e-mail and text message saying I get this phone for free."

Everyday I'll get a customer that comes in and says "Ya I got an e-mail saying that I get a Droid for free without signing a two year agreement." My reply "Well they also want ice cubes in hell my friend." They actually don't comprehend why they don't get a free phone without signing an agreement, so I go into deep detail with them.
Chris : "Let me ask you this Fred, why would I give you a $560 device for free
without signing an agreement?"
Fred : "Well I've been with Verizon since 1995."
Chris : "Verizon has only been here since 2000."
Fred : "Well I don't like contracts but I should still be able to get a free
phone."
Chris : "So if I walked into a Honda dealership and said "Hey I've had 2 Honda
Civics and now an Accord, I'm entitled to a brand new 2010 Honda Accord
for free, I hate loans so I just want it for free." What will their reply
to me be?
Fred : "Probably no."
Chris : "Probably Fred? They not only would say no but hell no and slap me."
Fred : "Well I'm not signing an agreement but I want a free phone."
Chris : "Well you can wish in one hand and crap in the other, and tell me which
hand gets filled first."

Eventually I talked Fred into getting a new smartphone at a good price but it was like pulling teeth from an alligator trying to explain how a business model works.
Nothing like a day in the life of Chris Foukas - I'm playing for team Verizon, for now :)