With the NBA playoffs only a week in and with my wife starting to drink more and more because of it, I thought to myself "Chris, what are some of the best nicknames in the NBA?" And of course immediately I thought to myself "BLOG TOPIC!" (Once again, cue the old opening music to the NBA on NBC theme!) In our world today we see some of the greatest athletes in the world, and we also get to hear some of the greatest nicknames. With that being said, let's delve into my world, muhahahahaha.
BEST
1. Lebron James - "King James"
We quite possibly could be watching the biggest freak of an athlete to play in the NBA right now in LeBron James. Tell me another guy that bites the rim every time he goes up to dunk the ball? It's safe to say LeBron is now the King of the NBA and as much as I like Kobe, he's definitely showing his age. I still think Kobe is the best closer in the NBA but LeBron is who people are paying to watch now. I think Michelle Beadles from Sportsnation had another good nickname for LeBron James, the "Akron Hammer." Let's face it, LeBron is the best dunker in the NBA and when he throws it, sometimes fans leave with excrement running down their leg. The new King of the NBA, LeBron James, or you could call him Mustafa.
2. Dwayne Wade - "Flash"
Do you ever watch one of Wade's games, look up at the stats, and say to yourself "What the hell, he's got 26 pts through 3 quarters?" He scores in flashes, one of the most electric players in the NBA today. People laughed at me when I told them I would rather have Dwayne Wade than LeBron James, but Wade now has the ring to show it. (Cue the, "well he had Shaq on his team and I want to make out with LeBron James" - Rhett Weaver) What people also don't realize is that Shaq also played the lowest minutes of his final career in the 2006 finals against Dallas. John Hollinger of ESPN rated D-Wade's finals performance the best of all-time. Now, I don't know if I agree with that, but I would like to also see what Wade could do with some serious talent around him. Oh wait, we have, he's won a title. LeBron is better at getting to the rim and causes more match up problems for teams where Wade has a better jump shot and mid-range game but is still gets to the rim in a "flash."
3. Tim Duncan - "The Big Fundamental"
Have you ever seen another player so fundamentally sound and yet so boring to watch? Exactly why I love Tim Duncan! This is how the game should be played, fundamentally sound. I'll admit, Duncan is about as fun to watch as listening to a dialogue from "The Hills." (Ok, I'm not going to lie, I can watch The Hills all day long and not shower.) But you get my point. Duncan isn't flashy, he doesn't flash his jersey when he scores, he doesn't talk trash to opposing to players, all he does his quietly win. Probably why all of America doesn't like him, because he never shows emotion and his eyes get bigger than Kirstie Alley's ass when he gets a fouled called on him. All-time best moment from Tim Duncan is when he was laughing at referee Joey Crawford and Crawford ejected him. Walking out of the arena, Duncan called Crawford a piece of hoo hoo. Tim Duncan, how the NBA should be played, and he should run for President after his career is over.
4. Kevin Durant - "The Durantula"
Kevin Durant, the NBA's newest silent killer. I have fallen in love with Kevin Durant's game. Him and sidekick Russel Westbrook have single handily made the Los Angeles Lakers officially wet their pants. How do you stop Durant? You can't be physical with him because he draws contact and gets to the line. You can't play off him because he can shoot it from the executive suites. The 6'9" 125 pound killer has taken the NBA by storm. Sure he looks nice, he says about 3 words a minute, and then when he sees that you have put your guard down, he bites you. The poison runs through your body and you slowly pass away. Much alike what he's doing to the Lakers right now. By the way, why is Ron Artest trying to be like Dennis Rodman? Oh that's right, because Artest is equal to Audrina Patridge in intelligence. (Too many Hills references? Never)
5. Dwight Howard - "Superman"
Move your busted butt over Shaq, the new superman has flown into Orlando Florida. He's got pearly whites, massive shoulders, and throws down dunks like John Candy use to throw down donuts. (RIP in my good man) The most dominating big man on both sides of the floor is quickly becoming one of the funnest players to watch, and maybe it's because he dunks on 7 footers and almost rips the basket down. As far as low post moves, the guy is still raw, but no one commands the paint like he does. Who doesn't like watching the Orlando Magic? 4 guys that bomb three pointers all night long, has one of the best looking rockstars in the NBA (Matt Barnes) and a 7 footer that just embarrasses you in the post. If you don't like watching Dwight Howard you may as well move to the White House and become more clueless about our country.
6. Stephen Jackeson - "Captain Jack"
For some strange reason, I love Stephen Jackson of the Charlotte Bobcats. Maybe it's because he leads the league in Blood Alcohol Count. I really started liking him when his Golden State Warriors dismantled Dirk Diggler and the Dallas Mavericks in 2006. (By the way, Dirk has the best porn star name ever, not that I know what porn star names are popular.................) Anyways, I love the fact that he can play against anyone because he plays so physical, he has a unique way of scoring points. I was hoping Charlotte was matched up against the Boston Celtics because I seriously think the Bobcats could have beaten the Celtics but they won't beat the Eastern conference champs. Nonetheless, Captain Jack is one of my favorite NBA players and party animals.
7. Carmelo Anthony - "Melo"
Look right now we hate Carmelo Anthony becuase he is playing against the Utah Jazz but is there honestly a better scorer in the league? Jazz fans join me in putting down the blow dart gun and saying that the man can score from anywhere on the floor. I like his look now than I did 2 years ago when he had the Syracuse corn rows. I don't think I've seen a player so physical in the low post against anyone plus his post game is one of the best in the league. I don't mind Carmelo Anthony but not right now because he is playing the Jazz. The only way you can stop Melo is by pulling a Tonya Harding and knocking him in the kneecaps. Speaking of that, how psycho is that lady? Reminds me of Kathy Bates in the movie Misery, which of course scared the hell out of every man in America.
8. Paul Pierce - "The Truth"
The NBA's biggest drama queen. You bump him, he flails into the stands and then has teammates carry him off the floor. Then he runs out of the tunnel five minutes later to the theme of Rocky and now Boston fans break out the American flag and start chanting "Paul, Paul, Paul." With that being said, one of the best closers in the game today. His shot against the Miami Heat the other night just further cements his legacy as one of the best Celtic players of all-time. His step back jumped may only be second to Dirk Nowitzki's. He needs to lose the headband though, he's too clean cut to be wearing a head band. When Boston played against the Lakers a few years ago in the finals, I cheered for Pierce. A guy that had endured so many losing seasons, not to mention he had to share a team with Antoine Walker, and I would never wish that upon anyone. He deserved a championship, he had been the only bright spot for the Celtics in the past 10 years, the city of Boston is lucky to have a player of that caliber. Ike Tingey would like to disagree with me due to some hick named Larry Bird.
9. Chris Paul - "CP3"
The most simple nickname in the NBA but one of the most clever because it's sounds sweet. Chris Paul has single handily brought baksetball back to the city of New Orleans, heaven help us with what else goes on in that city. One of the top 3 point guards in the NBA today has become one of the most popular players in the NBA. Him running a fast break is like eating a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, breathtaking. Watching him at Wake Forrest I wasn't sure what to expect from him but now I understand why he was such a good pick. He can play in any system because he has the talent to adapt his skills to any coach.
10. Kobe Bryant - "The Black Mamba"
Ok honestly, what the hell is the black mamaba? Isn't that something you smoke? Not that I would know............. Anyways, the best closer in the NBA has to make my nickname list because well, he's Kobe Bryant. I feel bad for Kobe this year, he's played through about almost every injury this year and yet he doesn't want to sit out any games this year. His Lakers have a good chance of losing to the Thunder in the first round to the Durantula and he will get all the blame. No one can dispute that Bryant is the best closer in the game. This year alone he's hit 4 game winners, one that was off balance off the glass against the Heat that was just unreal. Sure he's getting up their in age, he's lost a step, but we don't know if that's because he's playing through 1,523 injuries. One thing you can't dispute, is that he's the best closer still today.
WORST
1. Kevin Garnett - "The Big Ticket"
That ticket stub has been punched way too many damn times. He drags his leg around like a one legged man in a butt kicking contest. That knee injury has surely derailed the latter part of his career, he is not the same player he was in the 2008 NBA finals against the Lakers. Not to mention he still tosses elbows at players and the man only weights 156 pounds. I was never a huge Garnett fan, especially now that he's like a guy in a bar who keeps mouthing off but the guy is 50. Not that I know what a bar is like.......................
2. Chauncey Billups - "Mr Big Shot"
The man hits one big shot in the 2004 NBA Finals and he develops the name Mr. Big Shot. The man is not Robert Horry!!!!!!!!! Realistically, I do like Chauncey, but he is obviously at the tail end of his career. He hasn't been Mr. Big Shot for about a couple of seasons now that he has deferred to Melo. You can't take away his NBA championship that he won in 2004 but you can sure as hell take away his Mr. Big Shot nickname.
3. Chris Kaman - "The Caveman"
Do I really need to write anything? Google image Chris Kaman and insert your own comment.
4. Ray Allen - "Jesus Shuttlesworth"
Isn't it weird that Ray Allen is probably known more for his role in the movie "He Got Game" than his NBA career. Not really, He Got Game should have won an Academy Award just like my favorite movie Training Day. The best shooter in the NBA probably has the worst nickname because he's known for that more than his NBA playing days.
5. Chris Anderson - "The Birdman"
Once again, Do I really need to write anything here? Google image Chris Anderson and prepare to have a doggy bag to vomit in.
Lame. KG's called "The Big Ticket" because he used to deliver night in and night out, like you can never go on a movie without a ticket, you can never win without KG, at least on his prime.
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