First I need to give a shout out to my fellow blogger Randall Gary Sargent and his wife Madison on being pregnant with their first child. Couldn't be happier for two people, wish I could say the same for the Jazz's draft pick last Thursday, I feel quite the opposite.
I THINK WE NEEDED A BIG, BUT I COULD BE WRONG
Ok, I think I'm dreaming, the Jazz just drafted the kid off the front of Mad Magazine. Do I think Hayward is NBA ready? No, he's a mix between Ike Tingey and well Ike Tingey. He's tall, lanky, white, slow, and not polished. Just exactly what the Jazz needed. We could look at it this way : 1.) We can say goodbye to Kyle Korver, who is our best shooter. 2.) This means the Jazz could be aggressively trying to shop Andrei Kirilenko (Maybe Stalin who just bought the Nets would be a taker.) 3.) The worst player to ever put on Jazz uniform (C.J. Miles) will start next year with Hayward having to share minutes. Do I think the Jazz took the best player on the board? Right now, yes. But that doesn't fill our needs. As a team that will be lacking size when Carlos Boozer bolts in free agency, we still lack length, and we just punched our ticket to a first round loss in the playoffs, if we make the playoffs. I bet Deron Williams is thrilled with this pick, as he pours himself a screwdriver every morning. So let's say I own a mini van, and I drive to the dealership and buy another mini van. So now I have two mini vans. I pull up in the driveway with my wife expecting me to have a different car picked out. "Look what I got honey! A Brand new 2011 mini van." She replies, "Sweetheart we already have one." "Babe but now we have two mini vans!." "Hey Chris, can you check the back tire for me? It looks a little low." As I put my head behind the tire, she immediately throws it in reverse. That's honestly the dialogue that Jazz management has in the war room. "Let's take Hayward." "Kevin, we already have a log jam at the 3." "But he's white, lanky, slow, and can barely shoot, we need more of these guys." "Ok, pull the trigger." Sigh, another long year for the Jazz.
THIS SUMMER WILL BE OFF THE HOOK
The only thing better than the free agency frenzy is Katy Perry's California Girls song, it's probably the best Summer tune of all time. You know college kids down in Cancun are getting absolutely sauced while listening to this song and partying, not that I have any idea how that works..... but anyways, back to my predictions. So where is everybody ending up when it's all said in done? This is about as tough to predict as the Simpson's "Who shot Mr Burns" contest that ran in the mid-90's. I had Waylon Smithers down, who would have though Maggie Simpson? Anyways, let's run down the list and why they are heading there.
LeBron James - Ok, so middle of the year LeBron comes out and says "I'm changing my number to 6, this is MJ's number." That there raises flags. Why not change it when you were 2 or 3 years into the league? You are now just realizing that you will never be on MJ's level? LeBron's going to Chicago.
Let's narrow down his choices:
New York Knicks - The Knicks have the ability to sign another max player other than LeBron but their team just isn't great. Nobody should ever have to kick the ball out to Chris Duhon for three. Eddie House maybe. You may as well kick it out to Helen Keller for 3 because it ain't going in.
Miami Heat - The Heat have the luxury of signing two max players besides Dwayne Wade. So maybe Chris Bosh, LeBron James, and Dwayne Wade. I smell 2003 Dallas Mavericks all over that, too many superstars. The year Dallas started Nash, Jamison, Antoine Walker God help us), Dirk Nowitzki, and Michael Finley (the black look a like of Todd Boucher). Wade and James couldn't co-exist, they both need the ball in their hands at all times. The team would be scary good, but none of the superstars will give up handling the rock.
Chicago Bulls - They get one more luxury player besides LeBron which would most likely be Chris Bosh. Let's look at this lineup. Rose, a kid in a wheelchair, James, Bosh, Noah with Luol Deng coming off the bench with Taj Gibson. That team is winning 60 plus games.
So out of those three teams, who has the more attractive roster and the chance to win rings? Chicago, book it, he's signing with the Bulls.
Dwayne Wade - Unlike James, Wade isn't looking to move anywhere. He's always said that his heart is in Miami, kind of like Forrest always belonged with Jenny. (Anyone that argues that Forrest Gump isn't Tom Hanks' best movie should immediately be kicked between the legs.) Wade needs help though. I think Bosh, Boozer, or Amare could end up there. I think most likely Boozer ends up there with the help of one other max player. Wade stays in Miami and keeps the party rolling on South Beach.
Carlos Boozer - If the Jazz resign Carlos Boozer, I will drive to Kevin O'Connor's house, light a bag of poop on his door step, and run. Boozer will be a 14-16 million dollar mistake for the next 4 years. It's like me going to buy a treadmill at Sports Authority, I'll just waste 300 bucks on something I'll never get use out of. I'm looking forward to watching another team having Nene Hilario, Andray Blatche, Jimmy Dolan from "The Air Up There," and Erick Dampier light up Carlos Boozer. With that being said, I think Boozer winds up where he's always wanted to be, Miami. He has a home there, his son can live there without any issues (Oh Boy, it's Derek Fisher all over again.), and his wife can shop at Dash with Kourtney Kardashian. Say hello to South Beach Carlos, don't let the door hit you on the way out.
Amare Stoudemire - The second worst defender in the league behind Carlos Boozer, who will undoubtedly dupe some team into giving him a max contract. The team that will be roofied by Amare? The New York Knicks. Where else could Amare go, put up great offensive numbers and not play a lick of defense? That's right, with Mike D'Antonio and the New York Knicks. Amare is like another Boozer, he wants to be the guy and he wants to be paid like the guy. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan, she thinks she's a great actor, a role model for society when she's really a walking time bomb. Welcome to the Big Apple Amare, you'll be lucky to win 40 games but you'll be singing Jay Z's, "let's hear it for New York," while your playing.
Joe Johnson - Word around town is that Joe Johnson would take less money to play back under Mike D'Antoni in New York. If he ends up in New York, it might not be a solid squad if they could sign 2 of 3 other solid players. I don't think Joe Johnson is a max player, he disappeared in the playoffs quicker than BP's CEO when the oil spill happened. Johnson reunites with D'Antonio and Amare in New York where they will be the 4 or 5th best team in the east if they sing some other solid players.
Dirk Nowitzki - So Dirk is opting out, does anyone really think he is going anywhere? You know D-bag Cuban will throw a bunch of cash at Dirk to say. Besides, I think with a few roster tweaks, the Mavericks could be pretty filthy next year. They didn't have a ton of time to gel, give them one full season and they'll be in good shape.
Chris Bosh - One thing is for certain, there is no way in hell he's going back to Toronto. Hedo Turkoglu has already said he's out and after that, the pantry is bare bones. Bosh isn't a guy that can carry a team by himself, he needs another new superstar by him. I think he follows LeBron to Chicago. Chiacago and Orlando will fight over the top two seeds in the east with Miami being in third.
It appears the Summer is just starting. Sit back, grab a drink, and enjoy the free agent frenzy!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Pet Peeves of a Cell Phone Salesmen
Rand Sargent, Tyler Gapinski, Nate Herr, Asaad Salleh, and Jake Atwater can all attest to what I'm about to vent about. By the way, it feels like an eternity since the last time I've written a post about something else besides sports, but what can I say? Sports gets me going.
Now being a cell phone salesmen is definitely not the greatest gig in the world but I also can't complain. My wife and I live comfortably, I make a good living, and it puts a golf club in my hand once a week. Is it a career? Obviously not. Only problem is I graduated with a degree from Weber State University at a time when our President is more worried about where LeBron James is going to play next year than trying to fix the economy. Wait, President Obama is trying to fix the economy. He's approving stimulus bills to fix broken bridges in cities in Alabama that have a population of six people. Our tax dollars at work.
Most of the customers I deal with about 95% of the time have their heads on straight and they are the coolest people. The other 5%, let's just say they make Anna Nicole Smith look like Sarah Palin. Customers like Tanya Waters, Teya Wilson, Courtney Pitcher, and Scott Lewis all make the job easier. But it's customer's that don't realize we are in 2010 and that Huey Lewis and the News are no longer touring. So with that being said, top 5 pet peeves of a cell phone salesmen from Chris Foukas' point of view. The others listed above may have different opinions on some.
1. "Ok I'll look up your account, what's your phone number?"
I deal with this almost two or three times a week. A customer will come in complaining about her phone not being able to do her laundry and wants me to fix it. So I ask "Ok what's your phone number?" Their reply, "Hell I don't know my number, you find it for me, I don't call myself." This is the point where I ask the customer if her parents are brother and sister. How long have cell phones been in play? Mid 90's? How in the world do you not know your phone number? When a school asks for an emergency contact number for your son and daughter, do you give them that same reply? "OK Mrs X, if your son or daughter decides to Joe Theisman their arm, what's the best number to reach you on?" "Hell I don't know, call 911, I don't call myself." I made this analogy to a customer the other day. I get my oil changed through Kaysville Express Lube, they do a terrific job by the way. If I walked into their office and said "Yes, I need an oil change on my car." "Ok what kind of car do you have?" "What? You want me to look under the hood? How the hell should I know what kind of car I drive?" You know a mechanic is going to come escort me to the back of the shop, tire wrench me right in the knee cap, poor oil on me, and say with a Brooklyn accent "You sure you don't remember your car model you worthless sack of excrement."
2. "I've been with Verizon Wireless since before you were born."
Ah, my favorite reply to when I have to break the news to a customer that he or she isn't available for an upgrade. "Sir, it doesn't look like you're eligible to upgrade until September 2011, you just upgraded last June." "Well I've been with Verizon since your mother was changing your diapers and Ronald Reagan was President." "Sir Verizon Wireless formed in 2000, I'm not sure how that's possible, unless I'm 10 years old? Which of course my wife tells me I act like that." "Get me your effing manager!" Honestly that's how it plays out. Customer's honestly think we are out to get them when we tell them they aren't eligible to upgrade their phone. Last time I checked, some of our pay is based off you upgrading, why would I not want you to upgrade? I'm not one to argue with customers, but sometimes I do have to question someone's logic of thinking.
3. Some customer's are just flat out dirt bags
I ran into this situation about 3 weeks ago. Customer comes into my store and tells me that his phone keeps freezing on him when he tries to send a text message. So he and his wife are standing right in front of me when he hands me his phone for me to look at. What do I find right on the front of the screen? Some wallpaper of a naked biker chick sitting on a Harley Davidson. I look up, glance at him, and then his wife, hand the phone to him and said, "would you mind changing the wallpaper?" He then laughs with a smart ass remark "What? You don't like what you see?" My reply, "No sir, I actually enjoy being married." He had the nuts to ask me that. I could have replied with "Look I know your wife looks like the bottom of my foot but porn isn't my thing." You would think that some people would have the decency to change something like that if you are having someone look at your phone. The best part about it is that his wife is standing right next to him, how can this not bother you? My wife tries to kick me in the nuts if I say the lead singer from Paramore has a terrific voice and this dude has some naked chick on her phone with his wife standing right next to him. "Oh my wife and I are the happiest people in the world." I immediately go to my Dr.Evil reply, "Riiiiiiggggggggghhhhhhhhtttttttt."
4. "You should tell the CEO that."
A lady came in a few days ago to exchange a device out for a different device and was upset that we charged a $35 restocking fee. Look I don't agree with the restocking fee, but it's nothing I can control. So when I tell her I have no authority to change the policy, she tells me I should e-mail or call the CEO of Verizon Wireless to tell him that we should change it. Here is how that conversation would go with Lowell McAdam, CEO of Verizon Wireless.
Chris: Hey Lowell, it's Chris Foukas from the Layton Store, I have a customer that is really upset about the restocking fee and wants us to change it.
Lowell: Uh who are you and why are you bothering me on my yacht while I'm in the Caribbean?
I usually will just pull the Jim Halper from The Office routine when Dwight and Michael ask him to look up Gaydar on Sharper Images website. A few taps from my keyboard and I reply with "Ok it's been sent, I'll let you know when he replies back." If you don't know what I'm talking about, see below.
5. "I got an e-mail and text message saying I get this phone for free."
Everyday I'll get a customer that comes in and says "Ya I got an e-mail saying that I get a Droid for free without signing a two year agreement." My reply "Well they also want ice cubes in hell my friend." They actually don't comprehend why they don't get a free phone without signing an agreement, so I go into deep detail with them.
Chris : "Let me ask you this Fred, why would I give you a $560 device for free
without signing an agreement?"
Fred : "Well I've been with Verizon since 1995."
Chris : "Verizon has only been here since 2000."
Fred : "Well I don't like contracts but I should still be able to get a free
phone."
Chris : "So if I walked into a Honda dealership and said "Hey I've had 2 Honda
Civics and now an Accord, I'm entitled to a brand new 2010 Honda Accord
for free, I hate loans so I just want it for free." What will their reply
to me be?
Fred : "Probably no."
Chris : "Probably Fred? They not only would say no but hell no and slap me."
Fred : "Well I'm not signing an agreement but I want a free phone."
Chris : "Well you can wish in one hand and crap in the other, and tell me which
hand gets filled first."
Eventually I talked Fred into getting a new smartphone at a good price but it was like pulling teeth from an alligator trying to explain how a business model works.
Nothing like a day in the life of Chris Foukas - I'm playing for team Verizon, for now :)
Now being a cell phone salesmen is definitely not the greatest gig in the world but I also can't complain. My wife and I live comfortably, I make a good living, and it puts a golf club in my hand once a week. Is it a career? Obviously not. Only problem is I graduated with a degree from Weber State University at a time when our President is more worried about where LeBron James is going to play next year than trying to fix the economy. Wait, President Obama is trying to fix the economy. He's approving stimulus bills to fix broken bridges in cities in Alabama that have a population of six people. Our tax dollars at work.
Most of the customers I deal with about 95% of the time have their heads on straight and they are the coolest people. The other 5%, let's just say they make Anna Nicole Smith look like Sarah Palin. Customers like Tanya Waters, Teya Wilson, Courtney Pitcher, and Scott Lewis all make the job easier. But it's customer's that don't realize we are in 2010 and that Huey Lewis and the News are no longer touring. So with that being said, top 5 pet peeves of a cell phone salesmen from Chris Foukas' point of view. The others listed above may have different opinions on some.
1. "Ok I'll look up your account, what's your phone number?"
I deal with this almost two or three times a week. A customer will come in complaining about her phone not being able to do her laundry and wants me to fix it. So I ask "Ok what's your phone number?" Their reply, "Hell I don't know my number, you find it for me, I don't call myself." This is the point where I ask the customer if her parents are brother and sister. How long have cell phones been in play? Mid 90's? How in the world do you not know your phone number? When a school asks for an emergency contact number for your son and daughter, do you give them that same reply? "OK Mrs X, if your son or daughter decides to Joe Theisman their arm, what's the best number to reach you on?" "Hell I don't know, call 911, I don't call myself." I made this analogy to a customer the other day. I get my oil changed through Kaysville Express Lube, they do a terrific job by the way. If I walked into their office and said "Yes, I need an oil change on my car." "Ok what kind of car do you have?" "What? You want me to look under the hood? How the hell should I know what kind of car I drive?" You know a mechanic is going to come escort me to the back of the shop, tire wrench me right in the knee cap, poor oil on me, and say with a Brooklyn accent "You sure you don't remember your car model you worthless sack of excrement."
2. "I've been with Verizon Wireless since before you were born."
Ah, my favorite reply to when I have to break the news to a customer that he or she isn't available for an upgrade. "Sir, it doesn't look like you're eligible to upgrade until September 2011, you just upgraded last June." "Well I've been with Verizon since your mother was changing your diapers and Ronald Reagan was President." "Sir Verizon Wireless formed in 2000, I'm not sure how that's possible, unless I'm 10 years old? Which of course my wife tells me I act like that." "Get me your effing manager!" Honestly that's how it plays out. Customer's honestly think we are out to get them when we tell them they aren't eligible to upgrade their phone. Last time I checked, some of our pay is based off you upgrading, why would I not want you to upgrade? I'm not one to argue with customers, but sometimes I do have to question someone's logic of thinking.
3. Some customer's are just flat out dirt bags
I ran into this situation about 3 weeks ago. Customer comes into my store and tells me that his phone keeps freezing on him when he tries to send a text message. So he and his wife are standing right in front of me when he hands me his phone for me to look at. What do I find right on the front of the screen? Some wallpaper of a naked biker chick sitting on a Harley Davidson. I look up, glance at him, and then his wife, hand the phone to him and said, "would you mind changing the wallpaper?" He then laughs with a smart ass remark "What? You don't like what you see?" My reply, "No sir, I actually enjoy being married." He had the nuts to ask me that. I could have replied with "Look I know your wife looks like the bottom of my foot but porn isn't my thing." You would think that some people would have the decency to change something like that if you are having someone look at your phone. The best part about it is that his wife is standing right next to him, how can this not bother you? My wife tries to kick me in the nuts if I say the lead singer from Paramore has a terrific voice and this dude has some naked chick on her phone with his wife standing right next to him. "Oh my wife and I are the happiest people in the world." I immediately go to my Dr.Evil reply, "Riiiiiiggggggggghhhhhhhhtttttttt."
4. "You should tell the CEO that."
A lady came in a few days ago to exchange a device out for a different device and was upset that we charged a $35 restocking fee. Look I don't agree with the restocking fee, but it's nothing I can control. So when I tell her I have no authority to change the policy, she tells me I should e-mail or call the CEO of Verizon Wireless to tell him that we should change it. Here is how that conversation would go with Lowell McAdam, CEO of Verizon Wireless.
Chris: Hey Lowell, it's Chris Foukas from the Layton Store, I have a customer that is really upset about the restocking fee and wants us to change it.
Lowell: Uh who are you and why are you bothering me on my yacht while I'm in the Caribbean?
I usually will just pull the Jim Halper from The Office routine when Dwight and Michael ask him to look up Gaydar on Sharper Images website. A few taps from my keyboard and I reply with "Ok it's been sent, I'll let you know when he replies back." If you don't know what I'm talking about, see below.
5. "I got an e-mail and text message saying I get this phone for free."
Everyday I'll get a customer that comes in and says "Ya I got an e-mail saying that I get a Droid for free without signing a two year agreement." My reply "Well they also want ice cubes in hell my friend." They actually don't comprehend why they don't get a free phone without signing an agreement, so I go into deep detail with them.
Chris : "Let me ask you this Fred, why would I give you a $560 device for free
without signing an agreement?"
Fred : "Well I've been with Verizon since 1995."
Chris : "Verizon has only been here since 2000."
Fred : "Well I don't like contracts but I should still be able to get a free
phone."
Chris : "So if I walked into a Honda dealership and said "Hey I've had 2 Honda
Civics and now an Accord, I'm entitled to a brand new 2010 Honda Accord
for free, I hate loans so I just want it for free." What will their reply
to me be?
Fred : "Probably no."
Chris : "Probably Fred? They not only would say no but hell no and slap me."
Fred : "Well I'm not signing an agreement but I want a free phone."
Chris : "Well you can wish in one hand and crap in the other, and tell me which
hand gets filled first."
Eventually I talked Fred into getting a new smartphone at a good price but it was like pulling teeth from an alligator trying to explain how a business model works.
Nothing like a day in the life of Chris Foukas - I'm playing for team Verizon, for now :)
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