Top 10 NCAA Football Poll - Contenders & Pretenders

Time is flying by, we are through week 7 of the college football season. Let's be honest, it's going by too fast. Treasure this time, because come Spring when the NBA is winding down then all you'll see is baseball highlights on Sportscenter. That right there will force you to start mixing alcoholic drinks. The top 25 poll came out this morning and we've seen Oregon move into the #1 spot in the country and Auburn making it's way up the polls as well. So let's take a deeper look into the top 10 this week and decipher who is a contender and pretender.

1. Oregon Ducks - Contender

I love my Utah Utes through and through, but if Utah isn't considered for the national championship(which they won't be) than this is the team I want to win it all. Let's face it, Oregon has been blowing people out and they've made it look easy. Sporting the best uniforms in the country and having rid themselves of the off the field issues that remind us of the Utah State Prison, Chip Kelly has his boys flying around. Everybody talks about LeMichael James but Darren Thomas might be the best kept secret in the country. Nobody talks about Thomas because James steals the show. Kind of like on Friends where everybody talks about Jennifer Aniston but Courtney Cox is clearly the more attractive women and deserves at least half the credit. All Thomas has done is throw for more than 1,500 yards with 17 TD's and 5 INT's. Why is no one talking about him? You better start talking about him because the Ducks are for real.

2. Boise State Broncos - Contender

This will be the toughest paragraph I will have to write in my entire life besides maybe my living will. People that know me know that I can't stand Boise St but I do give credit where credit is due. Now with that being said, Oregon State & Virginia Tech are respectable opponents but we've yet to see Boise State face a real test. Kellen Moore is probably the most complete quarterback in the country and his offense shows no weaknesses. I'm curious to see how Boise State matches up with an opponent that has speed on both sides of the ball. There isn't a team in the country Boise St couldn't play with but should they be considered for the national championship? Probably not, but if they were to go, they'd definitely compete. On completing this paragraph, I've successfully tasted alcohol, who knew Jack and Coke was so good.

3. Auburn - Contender

Someone tell me where the hell Cam Newton came from? Oh wait, he was recruited by Urban Meyer at Florida but didn't play because of some guy named Tim Tebow. Urban Meyer might be the best recruiter we've ever seen. Cam Newton is now the #1 front runner for the Heisman Trophy and he deserves every accolade he gets this year. I watched him single handily win games against LSU and Arkansas. I promise you he's that good. He reminds me of when I was in 4th grade and we had to play against the 6th graders in football at recess. This 6th grader would just mow over people, except me of course. I assure you I bet my lunch card at recess that the kid couldn't mow me over, and I assure you I doubled up on my chocolate milks every day. Auburn is having it's best season since 2004 when they were screwed out of the national championship. And it's all thanks to one Mr. Cam Newton. I'm smelling the Ducks vs the Tigers in the national title game as long as Newton stays healthy or some crazy Alabama fan doesn't Tonya Harding him.

4. TCU - Pretender

Watching TCU this year, I haven't been all that impressed with Andy Dalton. Jordan Wynn from Utah is beating him in passing efficiency and is on track to be Mountain West Conference Offensive player of the year. I'll tell you who does scare me is Ed Wesley and Jeremy Kerley. Kerley is the best kick returner in the country besides Shaky Smithson and Wesley is the best back nobody has ever heard of. Gary Patterson though knows how to get the most out of his teams every single year, one of the most underrated coaches in the country. TCU unfortunately showed it's true colors against Boise State last year in the Fiesta Bowl and it left a bad taste in my mouth. I've got them losing to Utah on November 6th but know they can play with anyone in the country.

5. Michigan State - Pretender

What a story out of East Lansing. Their coach has a heart attack after beating Notre Dame on a fake field goal and then keeps his team rolling through the Big Ten. The only problem is the Big Ten just isn't that good this year. Ohio State wasn't who we thought they were (cue Dennis Green) and Wisconsin I'm still not sold on. If there is one team on this list that I'd love to see have a Cinderella season, it would be Michigan State. Let's be honest, they've been pretty lucky this year. A fake punt to beat Northwestern and a fake field goal to beat Notre Dame. They need more production out of Kirk Cousins and not rely on the running game so much. Let's just be happy that there is one Michigan program that does things the right way. You hear that Rich Rod? Ya, I went there.

6. Alabama - Contender

Remember when Alabama lost to South Carolina? Well here they come and they aren't slowing down anytime soon. They are a contender up until they play Auburn and then I think Cam Newton takes care of them. Whoever wins the Alabama vs Auburn game will be playing in the national championship. Mark Ingram is healthy and he's running like Rand Sargent towards an Apple product, which in terms means like a bad out of hell. And of course there is Nick Saban, who even though is an a-hole, is one of the best coaches in the country (Note: Kylie Minogue just came on my playlist - I've missed her.) Alabama will always bring two things to the table when you play them : 1. One hell of a running game. 2. A defense that will pop you in the mouth. Don't be surprised if they are in the SEC title game or national title game.

7. Missouri - Pretender

I was surprised Missouri beat Oklahoma last night but I'm still not sold on them. Oklahoma did not look like a top 5 team last night and most of that credit deserves to be given to Missouri. If Missouri goes into Nebraska and beats the Huskers than you can mark them down as contenders. Right now, I have Nebraska beating them but not by much. Blaine Gabbertz is a stud and their defense might be more underrated than Clubber Lang in Rocky 3. I'd like to see Missouri attack down field more, they have the athletes to do it, and they have the quarterback to do it. They still have tough tests left with Nebraska and Oklahoma State on the slate. If they win those than you can book them a trip to the Fiesta Bowl.

8. Utah - Pretender (for now)

Utah can't possibly be good right? Hell they haven't played anyone, the best test they had was at Viewmont High. So no good correct? WRONG! Utah is good and here is a few reasons why. They are ffffffaaaaaaasssssssssstttttttt and this is probably the best offense they've had since 2004 if not better than 2004. QB Jordan Wynn has another year under his belt and knows the offense in and out. Their defense was supposed to be bad this year and rebuilding but they've just managed to be in the top 10 in total defense. Their kick returner Shaky Smithson is the best in the country when he's not fumbling the ball around like a drunk at a party fumbling his 40. Kyle Whittingham loves the fact that nobody is talking about his team, he likes sneaking up on people. We will find out how good Utah is when they travel to Air Force and when TCU visits Salt Lake City on November 6th.

9. Wisconsin - Pretender

Solid wins against Ohio State and a great win on the road against Iowa but to me they don't have the horses yet. Scott Tolzien is a great quarterback but he isn't a quarterback that will go out and win you games. If Wisconsin can't run the football they are in serious trouble. Without the running game there is not play action and without play action you have a one dimensional football team. Their only loss came on the road against Michigan State and it doesn't seem they really have any tough tests left this season. Mark my words, if they go to the Rose Bowl this year, they will get blown out, I assure you.

10. Ohio State - Pretender

Ohio State was exposed badly against Wisconsin but then all of a sudden come out against Purdue and just punched them in the mouth. The jury is still out on Terrell Pryor, is he accurate enough to be a great quarterback? We know he can run the ball like crazy but has yet to show he can be an efficient pocket passer. Question marks on the defense have to be a concern, they were absolutely shredded by Wisconsin's running game. One thing we do know is that Senator and Coach Jim Tressel always has teams that rebound and find themselves in a BCS bowl. I wouldn't be surprised to see Ohio State playing in the Rose Bowl or Fiesta Bowl.

Rebuilding or Reloading? Utah Jazz Preview and Predictions

Didn’t it just seem like we were watching the Utah Jazz being swept by the Los Angeles Lakers in May? Time flies but here we are the start of a new basketball season. So what are we looking at this year? No Carlos Boozer (thank heavens), no Kyle Korver (shouldn’t have let the best shooter in the league walk), and no Wesley Matthews (love the guy, but not for 32 million over 4 years). So with the new additions we have next year and with the roster set as of today, let’s take a look at the starting five and bench this year.

STARTING FIVE

PG – Deron Williams – Is there any debate about who’s starting at point guard? This was a no brainer like Ivan Drago beating Apollo Creed in Rocky IV. Deron Williams has solidified himself as the best point guard in the NBA. There isn’t a point guard in the league that can guard Williams one on one and Kobe Bryant gave it a shot in the playoffs with Phil Jackson removing him quickly. It’s finally his team, he’s the oil that makes the engine go, he’s the chocolate that goes on the sundae, and he’s worth every penny we are paying him.

SG – Raja Bell – He replaces the toughness at the shooting guard position we had last year with Wesley Matthews. Bell is a physical defender and he doesn’t back down from any player in the league. Kobe elbowed him a few years back and two plays later Bell Lawrence Taylor’d him when Bryant drove to the hoop. Not only does Bell replace the toughness, but he replaces the 3-point shooting we lost with Kyle Korver going to the Chicago Bulls. I cringed when I saw Korver had signed with the Bulls, but when Bell signed, I went to the stats on shooting. Bell for his career is a 37% 3-point shooter to Kyle Korver’s 40%. If Bell can stay healthy, which he wasn’t all of last year, than the Jazz will be in great shape at the shooting guard position.

SF – Andrei Kirilenko – If the 2003-04 Andrei Kirilenko surfaces this year than the Jazz could be scary good. Ever since the Jazz gave AK the 86 million dollar max deal back in 2004 he disappeared quicker than John Daly’s waistline. Kirilenko was an all-star that year, recorded a few 5x5 stat lines, and didn’t look like the lead singer from Def Leppard like he does now. As the best help side defender on this team, we need Kirilenko to return to his 2004 form. Swapping him and Paul Millsap between the SF and PF will be huge with Mehmet Okur still nursing his achilles injury.

PF – Paul Millsap – When Mehmet Okur comes back from injury, Millsap will head back to the bench, but for now he’s starting at the PF. Millsap is incredibly undersized and the Jazz have him listed at 6’8”. We both know that he’s not that tall and I will go out on a limb to say he’s only 6’6”. With that being said, Millsap is the best rebounder on this team, both offensively and defensively. Even though being undersized, he finds ways to score and defend. I do worry that Millsap may have taken it personal that the Jazz went out and got Al Jefferson to eventually start at the PF position. I do love the idea of them playing together since they are both physical players.

C – Al Jefferson – I will tell you this right now, Al Jefferson’s days of flying under the radar are officially over. I will also tell you that I firmly believe that Al Jefferson is a better power forward than Carlos Boozer. Let’s take a look at the last three seasons for each player, remember Al Jefferson is coming off an ACL injury from 2008.

Al Jefferson - 20.4 PPG – 11.0 RPG – 1.86 TO – 1.56 BPG - 50% FG%

Carlos Boozer – 18.9 PPG – 10.6 RPG – 2.45 TO – 0.4 BPG – 53% FG%

Let me remind you that Al Jefferson put up those stats on a team that never won more than 20 games the past three seasons. You tell me if we will miss a beat? There is a reason my friends and I gave Boozer the nickname “swinging door.” Anytime Fabricio Oberto has a double double on your starting power forward that is supposedly an all-star it’s time to cut the rope. You read it here first; Al Jefferson will have a monster year. No more kicking it out to d-leaguers for three pointers.

BENCH

CJ Miles – People will tell you that I am not the biggest CJ Miles fan and I’ve ranked him in the top 5 of my least favorite Jazz players of all-time. I loved when the Oklahoma City Thunder signed him to an offer sheet and cried harder when the Jazz resigned him. I hadn’t cried that hard since Saved by the Bell went off the air. With that being said, this has to be the year that CJ Miles breaks out. No more log jams at the SG position. CJ will be the first man off the bench to replace Raja Bell and he needs to prove he belongs there. There is no question that CJ has the talent, the athleticism, and the stroke. He’s just never had the smarts, and that’s because he’s still young. I just read that he’s only 23 and it feels like he’s been here since I was sporting girbaud jeans and a bowl cut. No, that wasn’t just last year either but I do miss the bowl cut. Bottom line, its CJ’s time to shine and I hope he proves me wrong.

Gordon Hayward – Please tell me that you think Gordon Hayward looks like the kid off the front of Mad Magazine? Google it and tell me, I can’t stop laughing. I saw Hayward play at Butler last year and in the NCAA tournament. He was easily one of the top players in the country last year. I’ve heard numerous reports that the reason the Jazz let Korver walk was to give more time to Hayward. I’m concerned about his strength and durability for an 82 game NBA season. I was extremely impressed with his versatility and handling the rock. If the kid can shoot better than the 29% he shot from the college three point line than he could be a real steal for the Jazz.

Jeremy Evans – Where do the Jazz keep finding these 2^nd round picks? Jeremy Evans is freak of nature and quite possibly could be the biggest surprise of the 2010 draft. He can defend, jump out of the gym, and rebound the basketball. The only problem is that he weighs about as much as my 10 year old nephew. He had a put back dunk in a summer league game that almost made me execute a bowel movement, it was that good. I get that same feeling after I eat at Tepanyakis. Evans could be a huge spark off the bench for us, someone that could come in and give us shot blocking when Kirilenko needs a blow. With Hayward and Evans selected, I’ve been quite pleased with the progress of both the rookies.

Kyrylo Fesenko - Besides Al Jefferson, this is the other the Jazz man that has me interested this year. He dropped 20 pounds in the offseason, he’s developed a nice little jump hook from five to eight feet, and he’s got himself a real haircut. Plus the Jazz are paying a 7’1” 280 pound walrus practically peanuts. Guys his size don’t fall in your lap unless they are Greg Ostertag (Yes that sound you heard was a dry heave.) Fesenko could turn into a valuable asset for the Jazz if he contributes in two areas, clogging up the middle while blocking shots and rebound the basketball. Sure he’ll give you the occasional garbage points but I assure you that Fesenko will make a good living with the Jazz doing those two chores. We’ll need him come playoff time against guys like Tim Duncan, Yao Ming (if he recovers from his hang nail,) Pau Gasol (the human camel,) and Andrew Bynum.

Ronnie Price – I was happy to see the Jazz keep Ronnie Price along with Earl Watson. Price won’t give you much offensively but he plays defense like a little grasshopper. If you don’t know what I’m talking about than you may want to e-mail Luke Walton and ask him about it. Price will be the third point guard on this team behind Williams and Earl Watson but could find himself as the backup if Watson ever goes down.

Earl Watson – Watson has always been a solid player but he’s never really jumped off the page. I’ve watched him with multiple teams over the years and he always seems to adapt well to whatever system he plays in. I like him as the backup to Deron Williams. He brings stability, toughness, and the ability to run the offense. At times last year watching Price run the offense was like watching an M Night Shyamalan movie, you didn’t know what the hell was going on. Ok that was below the belt but you get my point. We haven’t had a solid backup point guard since, well, Howard Eisley I guess. Boy that was tough to type that.

Francisco Elson – I’m going to be honest, I haven’t seen much of Elson, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing. Then again, he played for the San Antonio Spurs and Denver Nuggets who are both stacked at the center position. Something the Jazz have never been stacked at unless you count Felton Spencer with Antoine Carr. Feel free to stop yourself from drinking the Pledge under your sink after reading that last line because they no longer play for us. For once I’m confident in the ability of our front line due to the fact that we have multiple seven footers. Even though he’ll probably be used in spot minutes, Elson could turn out to be quite a find for us.

Mehmet Okur – I feel bad for Okur and it’s due to the fact that for the last six years he had been our most durable player. When I saw him go down against the Nuggets I looked right at my wife and said “he just ruptured his Achilles,” and I was spot on. I was thinking he should be back by February but now I am hearing that he could be back as quick as December. The Jazz shouldn’t rush him back and I think we all know they won’t do that. We need Okur healthy for the end of the season and in the playoffs. He gives us another seven footer to throw at opposing post players and he stretches the floor opening up the low post for Al Jefferson to punish people. Okur will be a huge part of the Jazz this year and if he can return to the old form before his injury than our front line will be one of the best in the NBA.

Predictions

Utah Jazz – 52 -30 – 3^rd in the West and Northwest Division champions. I’m not sold on the Oklahoma City Thunder quite yet. The division title will run back through Salt Lake City.

Foukas NFL All Decade Team 2000-2010

You know what I didn't realize? That it's 2010, a decade is past, it seems like only yesterday I was watching Charley Steiner's Sportscenter Y2K Commercial. Probably a top ten commercial of all-time. Time flies and we see new players come and go in the NFL. Taking a look back, I put together my all-decade team from 2000-2010. John Elway may be on this list even though he retired in 1999.

1. Tom Brady - QB New England Patriots

Is there really a discussion? Besides his ridiculous chin, Brady gets the nod as the top player on my decade team. 3 Super Bowl wins, 5 Pro Bowls, 2 Super Bowl MVP's, and not to mention he's tapping super model Gisele. That right there should get you the nod. Here is the reason why I have Brady listed #1. Besides Randy Moss' arrival in 2007, Brady never had a great group of receivers. Every receiver that's left New England has never amounted to anything else. Brady made them good and the fact he's never had a dominate running game. Brady is that good, he's a winner, and will go down in history as one of the best all-time.

2. Peyton Manning - QB Indianapolis Colts

Probably the smartest quarterback to play the game of football and definitely one of the hardest ones to look at. Tell me this, can you ever remember a quarterback being his own offensive coordinator? You know he just gets the play from the sideline, under his breath says F$%^ this, and changes the play. Why do you think he screams all the time at the line of scrimmage? Regardless, I've never seen a quarterback be so unstoppable. Every route he knows off the top of his head, he knows where the protection goes, and his timing is impossible to duplicate. That and he hasn't missed a game since I was a fetus. If he stays this healthy, he could probably play until he's 45.

3. Ray Lewis - MLB Baltimore Ravens

Have you ever seen a defensive player change the outcome of a game more than Ray Lewis? Lewis gets a bad rap because he shanked some guy down in Louisiana but the man knows how to find the football. Probably the best middle linebacker to ever play the game, even better than Dick Butkis. He's the most intense football player I've ever watched play the game. He doesn't back down from anyone and he never is afraid to exchange words with any player on the field. I guarantee you if Lewis hadn't been mixed up in that whole deal down South, more people would be on board with him being the best defensive player of all-time.

4. LaDanian Tomlinson RB San Diego Chargers

As much as this pains for me to write this because I'm an avid Denver Broncos fan, I watched his cat run up and down the field on the Broncos. The funny thing about LT was that he was incredibly fast but he also finished runs by lowering the shoulder. I hate the fact that he started the visor trend, except for the d-bag Phillip Rivers that wore one in college. Did I mention I can't stand Phillip Rivers? Anyways, no one could impact a game on offense like LT. He ran it, he caught it, and basically carried the Chargers organization for years. I feel bad that he was under the curse in San Diego for not winning a ring. I hope he wins one with the N.Y. Jets.

5. Jonathan Ogden - LT Baltimore Ravens

Anytime you are elected to the pro bowl 11 times you must be doing something right. Probably the best offensive lineman to ever play the game of football. You never realize how important left tackles are until you watch the move "The Blindside." By the way, thank you to that movie for making me relive the Joe Theisman leg collapsing like a lawn chair scene at the first. I could have done without that. Ogden was part of that Super Bowl team in 2001 that was won by the defensive because they had no offense. Anytime Trent Dilfer is your starting quarterback you may as well pull a guy out of a dumpster to play quarterback. Sorry, we got off topic, Ogden kept his quarterbacks clean and he made way for running backs. Just ask Jamal Lewis who had an amber alert issued for him when Ogden retired, his productivity dropped quicker than Bill Clinton's pants in the oval office.

6. Champ Bailey - CB Denver Broncos

Easily the best shutdown corner we've ever seen. Bailey has recorded 7 straight Pro Bowls and has been reliable every year he's been in the league. One of the only good moves Mike Shanahan made was trading drag queen Clinton Portis to Washington for Champ Bailey. To be honest, the trade worked out well for both teams, but I've always been a huge Bailey fan. The pick he had on the goal line in the 2005 AFC Championship game was one of the best plays I've ever seen. If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n74qajrx4b4&feature=related

7. Ed Reed - FS Baltimore Ravens

A safety that covers so much field and has the hands of a wide receiver is just flat out scary. I'd be willing to bet that quarterbacks that look across the line of scrimmage and see Reed have urinated on themselves. Reed is scary good, and like teammate Ray Lewis, changes the game unlike any player I've seen playing safety. I can count on one hand on how many picks he's taken to the house and punts he's returned for touchdowns. Anytime this guy touches the ball you better watch out. I would definitely say he's a top 3 safety of all-time. He gives Ronnie Lott a run for his money.

8. Tony Gonzalez - TE Atlanta Falcons

Like LT, this guy terrorized my Broncos for years. Easily the best tight end to play the game of football. I read a stat where he hasn't missed a game in 10 years. For a tight end? That's ridiculous. The guy weighs close to 250 lbs and just runs over people. And not to mention he has the hands of a wide receiver. He's another guy I want to see win a ring even though the a-hole single handily kept me awake after running down the middle of the field on Denver.

9. Troy Polamalu - SS Pittsburgh Steelers

Is there anyone else that means more to their team than Troy Polamalu? Besides Kyle Orton? Just kidding, but seriously this guy means more on his team than anyone in the NFL. You saw the Steelers last year after they lost Polamalu, they folded like Barack Obama in 2011's Democratic race. It's a give, Obama is done, and thank the Lord for that. Not only does this guy punish running backs coming up the middle, he also punished wide receivers for coming across the middle. Also the most important part, his hair is insured for a cool million dollars. This guy will keep terrorizing people for the next 10 years.

10. Randy Moss - WR New England Patriots

This kills me to put this guy here because he quit on the last organization he played for in the Oakland Raiders. Ok check that, I'd probably quit on them too, what an awful franchise. Moss has freakish ability. Hops, speed, hands, and the ability to fake moon people at the Lambeau Field. The guy hasn't put it altogether yet though. It's too bad he hasn't because the guy could have been one of the greatest receivers of all-time. Let's hope he turns things around and stays with the Pats, he won't play with another great receiver like Tom Brady, he better realize what he's got.

Top 5 TV Characters I'd Love to Hang Out With

Generally this is supposed to be a sports blog, but I need to be like Chelsea Handler's night time alcoholic drink and mix it up. I couldn't sleep last night and so I thought of an immediate blog topic that I could start in the morning, what TV characters would I like to hang out with. I think we can all agree that we have our own individual lists of characters. And then there is probably people who claim "Well I don't watch TV," and to them I say well then you're not American. Before you start down this list Rand Sargent and Ike Tingey, you will not find Kramer, George, or Seinfeld on this list, I actually dislike Seinfeld, and I have been very clear with you on that since day 1 of our friendship. I actually I take it back, I don't dislike Seinfeld, I just don't find it hilariously funny like 30 of my other friends do, I can only take Kramer's bed hair so much in an episode. With that being said, on to the list.

#5 - Olivia Benson & Elliot Stabler - Law and Order SVU

My wife and I starting watching this show right after we tied the night and I must say it's absolutely wonderful. There's nothing like watching Elliot Stabler put his forearm into some sex offender's throat (something I'm sure we'd all like to do one day) and telling them the next time he sees them that they'll be hooked up to a lethal injection needle. No kidding around, the guy doesn't bluff, and neither do I. Stabler and Benson are perfect compliments to each other, Stabler is the muscle, and Benson is there to keep Stabler on the train track but she has a tendency to get feisty herself. You go on a ride along with these two and you are guaranteed to see : a) a crime scene in which I've always wanted to investigate, b)Elliot toss some dirt bag down the stairs and spit in his face, c) you get to hang around New York all day, what better three things to ask for? All in the life of a special victims unit officer.

#4 - Lauren Conrad & others - The Hills

Now obviously this isn't a TV character but she is in a TV reality show, so it counts, if you have a problem with it well then I have a four letter word I can tell you to go to. Another show my wife introduced me to when I started dating her and one that I have tried to watch every week. Here is Lauren's day : Wake up, go to school, go to lunch at some ridiculous restaurant (by the way I'm baffled by how many people spell ridiculous rediculous,) and go get hammered at the end of the night and make $50,000 an episode. I'll take that for $300 Alex, except the part of getting hammered, who knows how us Foukas' would handle our liquor. Here's the thing, Lauren is probably the most loyal friend out of anyone on The Hills, but she is also probably the most dramatic. I couldn't hang out with Spencer because he belongs in Arkham Asylum. I couldn't hang out with Heidi because if you hug her you would get a concussion (use your imagination), and if she tripped and fell she would be like the T-1000 in Terminator 2 and just shatter. Lauren honestly seems the most normal out of all of them. I remember Hilary Felsted laughing at me in our Communication Theory class when I told her I watched The Hills, well Hilary it's one of the most watched shows in the world, who is laughing now? On a quick note, really Brody Jenner? You got rid of Kristin for Avril Lavigne? I mean make it interesting and date Hayley Williams from Paramore but Avril Lavigne? Gag me.

#3 - Babysit for Stewie Griffin - Family Guy

There's no denying it, Stewie is the funniest character on Family Guy. I love how Family Guy portrays him as some evil baby yet when The Children of Jolly Farm come on TV he can't be pulled away. Stewie has done everything from getting sauced to deal with his problems, juicing it after he got beat up by a baby girl, and hung out with the cast of Star Trek. Wait, I've dealt with friends like that already minus hanging out with the cast of Star Trek. I've yet to find anyone that's hung out with Whoopi Goldberg or Will Wheaton, kind of a bummer. But anyways, you can't dispute Stewie's humor, at times it can be a little much but for the most part you always pee yourself with laughter. My wife will always say "When Family Guy is on, you will always watch it!" My only reply to her is that I'm wheezing because I'm laughing so hard. That and I haven't taken care of myself since my senior year of high school. I always enjoy getting texts from Dave Tibbs and Ike Tingey about a specific episode of Family Guy where Stewie does something crazy and we all laugh about it. One thing is for sure, all of us would love to hang out with the great Stewie Griffin

#2 - Dwight K. Schrute - The Office

Three reasons why I would hang out with Dwight. 1.) He drives a 1987 Pontiac Trans Am. 2.) He listens to Motley Crue anytime he is going into a sales call (if you don't know who Motley Crue is than I'm going to have to ask you to stop reading this blog.) 3.) He's gullible to believe the stupidest things in the world. For instance, we know that he's 99.9% sure that the guy Jim hired for Phyllis' party is not the real Ben Franklin. The fact that he believes Gaydar is a real product sold the deal for me. I used to think Steve Carrell made The Office funny but now I firmly believe that Rainn Wilson makes that show go. Carrell is good but there is only so much awkwardness I can take in a season. I think my favorite Dwight scene is when he finds out Michael grilled his foot in his George Foreman grill, flies out of the parking lot and tags a telephone pole, gets out of his car and pukes on the back of it. I don't think I have laughed so hard in my life except when I saw Brody Van Brocklin dance for the first time. If you have seen the movie Pinocchio than you know exactly what I'm talking about. This choice was easy, in the words of Michael to Dwight, Keep it simple stupid.

#1 - Dr. Sheldon Cooper & Howard Wolowitz - The Big Bang Theory

Justin Denney introduced me to this show about two months ago and I haven't been able to stop watching it. I just finished season three and stoked about this upcoming season. If I had to pick between these two to be number one I would definitely go with Sheldon. He makes the show go, without him there is now Big Bang Theory. Howard is the perverted Jewish guy desperate for a girlfriend while Sheldon is the exact opposite, and he uses the word koydos for the word sex. Never have heard of it but it may become my favorite word. Besides, Sheldon shares my same love for vintage video games, he owns every gaming system known to man. How can you not love the way Howard dresses in this sitcom? The Nintendo belt buckle I will find one day, and I will sport it on the golf course. If you haven't watched The Big Bang Theory, I suggest you do it, you will become addicted, and it'll be a good addicition. Unlike Tiger Woods' addiction that cost him his marriage and golf game. See that, I made another joke, Bazinga!

I encourage you to post your favorite quotes or scenes from any of the characters above if you'd like. Enjoy

Random Thoughts from the Past Week

University of Utah Football

We are into week 3 of the football season and the boys are off to another solid start. Coming off a blowout with a backup QB against UNLV, Utah is on it's way to another solid season. This team reminds me a lot of the 2008 team that went 13-0. Solid running game, solid offensive and defensive lines, and a defense that will flat out lay the wood to you. If you need any indication on how hard this defense hits, please see Brian Blechen's hit on UNLV's Mark Barefield. If I would have taken that hit I would have had urine and poop running down my leg. A lot of people doubted the linebackers for this team but I have been extremely impressed. They're fast, athletic, and Chaz Walker undoubtedly reminds me of Chaz Michael Michaels from Blades of Glory, although I don't know if he's an ice devouring sex tornado. Note: Blades of Glory in my book just about beat out Anchorman as Will Ferrell's best movie. Jordan Wynn at times reminds me of a cool collected quarterback and other times he reminds me of Jake Plummer, the old mountain man gunslinger who was best known for throwing off his back foot. Two things the season will rest on : Jordan Wynn's ability to protect the football and the secondary getting settled in. Do those two things and we may be packing our bags to another solid bowl game this year. That and we need to beat TCU - - how can I forget that damn horned frogs from down south?

BYU Football - Independence & Two Quarterback System

I guess I'm still having a hard time understanding why Bronco Mendenhall went with a two quarterback system to start the year. It's like choosing between Khloe or Kim Kardashian, hello, you'll take Kim any day of the week and twice on Sunday. Let me ask you this, you are breaking in a whole new offensive side of the ball besides a few wide receivers, why not start with a fresh QB? Especially a 5-star athlete and not a castoff from Utah State. Take it easy Aggie fans, I cheer for your football program, but let's be realistic, the only thing to cheer for up north is your cheese, and get rid of that stupid cult chant you do during the basketball games. If I'm Bronco, I come out tomorrow and say Jake Heaps is my guy for the rest of the year. Let the kid learn the hard way, look what happened to Jordan Wynn. During the TCU game he got beat up more times than Tiger Woods did with a 3 iron from his wife. Note: I glanced at the People Magazine article that his wife gave, in which she claims that she never harmed Tiger. OK, so why does Tiger take off at 2 a.m. unless he is being assaulted? That's like saying I've never ate at Buffalo Wild Wings, which is the greatest restaurant on the face of the earth. BYU fans should call for Heaps, he should be the man for the rest of the year.

I'm still trying to understand why they are going independent. 3 teams in NCAA athletics are independent, what does that tell you about the success rate? They aren't getting the same love that Notre Dame is getting, which Notre Dame's last good season was 2005 when they were getting blown out by Ohio State in the Fiesta Bowl. I understand they want to launch their own broadcasting network and I understand they signed the deal with ESPN and it's more money. But it won't equate to more wins, unless they take the Hawaii route and then they will be laughed right off of the national scene. BYU pulled the classic "I'm taking my ball and going home, nobody wants to play with me." Well, enjoy mediocrity for the next 10 years, you'll look back on this with regret.

"Chris, why do you golf so much?"

I guess the real question is, why the hell does anyone care? No but realistically, the golf course is a great place to get away. It's the one place where you don't need to worry about anything else but hitting your next shot or for me when to drop the next expletive. There is nothing better than getting up at 7 a.m. and meeting friends at Davis Golf Course to play just right as the sun comes up. Hardly anyone is out, you can hit multiple balls, and you can cuss as loud as you want. Between shots you talk about Utah football, how much work blows chunks, and how Lady Gaga has emerged as the greatest artist to walk the face of the earth. OK, that last part was all my doing, but when one guy says Panic at the Disco (Ike) is the best band, and the other guy just listens to AM radio (Rand), I don't have much to argue with. I enjoy the game, I'm not great at it, but it's a game you can enjoy without being a scratch golfer.

9/11/2001 - 9 Years Later

Boy I can't believe it's been nine years since the September 11th attacks. I remember walking into the old field house at Davis to put my football gear away for practice that day. Brody Van Brocklin came in and told me that a plane had crashed into one of the World Trade Center towers. I honestly thought it was an accident. Went to my first class and realized that we were under attack when we saw the next plane crash into the second tower. Words can't describe what must have been going through the minds of the passengers on those planes. Words can't describe what people were thinking seeing a plane flying into their work building. Horrific scenes of people jumping out of the towers because it was so unbearably hot, people running from the towers collapsing, and watching people post pictures at a command center hoping their loved ones would be found or identified. I remember hearing Afghanistan and the name Osama Bin Laden and my reaction was "load up the Anola Gay with Little Boy and drop the a-bomb on them." I remember how angry I was and I realize how much I appreciate those who keep my family safe every night fighting overseas. Words can't express what our soldiers should mean to us, everyday we hear about a car bombing, an ambush, or a suicide bomber going off overseas. Paul Butterworth, Tyler Burgin, Dustin Durrant, and the rest of you, thank you for serving. This country is safer because of you. And thank you to the rest of our men and women serving all over the world.

UNITED WE STAND

We've all seen these people - People you have to laugh at

While I was surfing on the internet today at work, I came across a few pictures that absolutely blew my mind. But then again, I think we've all seen people from these pictures and have just lost it with laughter. I guarantee you that the pictures you see below will be able to be related to you in some way. Whether it's people you can't stand or people that you can't stand to look at without rolling our eyes. Let's look at some of the pictures I came across today.

A good look at BYU fans growing up, or do they ever grow up?


















Ok I know what you are thinking, it's a low blow to BYU fans. But how can you not laugh at this picture? We've all met that BYU fan before. The BYU fans that were claiming that they were going to the national championship after beating 5-7 Oklahoma last year. Or wearing those Quest for Perfection t-shirts after destroying Division II Northern Iowa in their 2008 opener. To be honest, I actually like most BYU fans but there are some that are absolutely out of their mind. This poor kid, unfortunately doesn't have much of a chance. His parents are bathing him in BYU glory, well, Las Vegas Bowl glory I mean.

Really? I thought NSYNC broke up?



My favorite group of guys, classic tool bags. Not only do they have that Lance Bass look alike, but they also have matching Jersey Shore hairstyles. I mean come on guys, you really all do your hair alike? These guys have had to get laughed right out of the club. But then again, haven't we seen guys like this before? Guarantee there was a group of guys like this in your high school or college classes. Guys that wanted to live up the days of being a boy band and being eachother's wing man. I honestly wonder if these tools showed their faces after this picture was taken in whatever club they were in. We both know they were asked not to come back.

I like pink shirts but all at the same time? And all popping their collars?



We've seen these guys definitely at college parties, and let's just say the ride home we all laughed at them. Come on guys, matching shirts? Matching popped collars? We know they are matching d-bags. You can't fault them, they all look so happy together, they are the bestest friends ever. Good grief, get me a vomit bag. I honestly want to find the guy that invited them to their party. If they just invited them to take this picture for a good laugh. I look at it five times a day and I urinate on myself every time with laughter.

Give the man some credit, he's got mad confidence.



I remember sending my brother Josh an e-mail a few years back about this picture. And I got a reply back saying, how is this funny? The guy will probably die? Have a sense of humor Josh, this isn't law school, it's an e-mail I sent. And if the guy dies or has died, at least he died with a sense of humor and confidence. Find me another heavy set guy besides myself that will sport a shirt like this. He's not afraid of himself, I like it, I'd pick this guy on my team every time. For what sport I'm not quite sure. I'd just pick him up for moral support.

After 2 years I'm speechless -- Interesting picture of Max Hall, Dennis Pitta, and Austin Collie



Well Austin Collie was right, when you live right on and off the field, magic happens. So does living right mean doing a photo shoot with two other teammates that just officially made you public mockery by your rivals. Max obviously added to that after rant about how much he hates the University of Utah after they beat Utah last year. If I was in the post game press conference after that game and Max was going off on his rant, I would have raised my hand and said "Max, are you upset that when Utah fans poured beer on your family that they got it all over your abercrombie photo with Dennis and Austin?" Oh poor Max, Dennis, and Austin, there's no getting out of this one. This one stays on my desktop forever to just laugh at you fools. Best part about this picture? Max Hall modeling the great button up sweater of Mr. Rogers. Well hello neighbor.

Maybe not as bad as this cat, but I've had this done to me



As much as I hate admitting, two tool bags that I went to school with drew the word "penis" on my forehead and a name of a girl that I dated in high school that my friends always love to remind me of drawn on my cheek. It's not fun, not when someone draws a wiener on the other side of your face. Dave Tibbs, you know who you are. Granted this picture is still pretty damn funny. I mean, this kid totally got owned, there is no way he's getting all of that marker off. He looks like a guy from the Blue Man Group. He may as well just leave it on because it's not coming off.

5 Goals To Be Reached by August 20th, 2011 (Tenative - May Subject to Change)

Everyone has goals in life, the ones listed below are absolutely realistic. Ok, well four of them. Ok, maybe three of them, regardless, everyone in life needs to have direction. What a better way to put yourself in the right direction with a GOAL LIST! Now, these are personal goals, many of you will probably laugh at the notions below. I only have one thing to say to you, go suck a railroad spike. With that being said, these goals need to be accomplished by August 20th, 2011, which is exactly one year from now. Laugh it up all you want, but they laughed at Louie Armstrong when he went to the moon, and look who's laughing now.

These are listed from least important to most important.

5. Qualify for one of the World Series of Poker's Tournaments next Summer.
Yes, you read #5 correctly. Everyone has atleast one unreachable goal on their list, this is mine. You may ask yourself "Well, Chris, you are Mormon, you can't play in a poker tournament." I realize what I might do is frowned upon, but that would really only be my chance to be on ESPN. Lord knows I won't be broadcast on the wide world of sports due to my athleticism since I haven't had any since the 9th grade. Sleepness nights listening to my wife's on and off again snoaring has given me the opportunity to watch some of the events on ESPN. I'd give myself a good chance to compete with some of those guys that play in the events down in Vegas, they don't call me King Louie for nothing. I'm like a Charles Dickens novel, I'm tough to read. I could go all-in with 4-3 when the flop says ace, king, jack, 10, and you would have no idea what I have. Or I single handily trap you with pocket jacks with a jack on the flop and slow play you until you go all in and I snatch you like the plant from Little Shop of Horrors. One thing is for sure, if you hear Norman Chad call my name for a final table, don't be surprised.

4. Break 80 at Davis Golf Course in Fruit Heights, Utah
Most of you already know that I love to golf. And I play with two damn good players (no not you Johnny Darrohn) in Rand Sargent & Ike Tingey. It's almost unfair to play with them (that's what she said) because they are so long (that's what she said) off the tee. Rand is probably the best putter I've ever seen and Ike is the most consistent player I've played with..............that sounded bad, that I've golfed with. One thing they have done is encouraged me to get better as a golfer. Now we all know I'll never be a scratch golfer. Maybe a 5 to 6 handicapper is realistic. So my best scores have come at different courses, 77 at Eaglewood golf course in 2008(also the day that Ike and I rolled our cart going down number 15 which I take full responsibility for his concussion,) 78 at Lakeside golf course, and 81 at Wasatch Mountain State Park. For some odd reason, I never put 18 holes together at Davis Park. I don't know what it is about Davis, it gives me fits. One day I will break 80 at Davis, and it will be before August 20th of 2011. Last week I played with my lovely wife, I fired a 38 on the front 9 which is the best I've ever shot on the front. On my way to breaking 80 correct? Wrong my friends, I blew up like a pipeline for BP Oil. Walking off number 18 I was stunned, I hadn't realized what had happened to my round that was going so well. It was like watching an episode of The Gates, you couldn't really understand what was happening. It also doesn't help that you only hit 3 fairways throughout the day and that I look exactly like Craig Stadler. If my short game gets better along with my putter, I think I can acheive being a 6 handicapper with many chances to break 80 at Davis. Just watch and see.

3. Get the hell out of retail - - before it drives me to drink.
Don't get me wrong, Verizon Wireless is a great company, great benefits, and I absolutely love who I work with. It's the fact that I deal with the people from the Hills Have Eyes that drive me bananas. Questions about how many minutes the unlimited plan has can only keep a person sane for so long. Or the 36,703 questions we get a week about when Verizon will get the iPHone. Do I look like Steve Jobs? Does it look like I have a receding hairline? Am I an ass to people? No, I'm not the CEO of Apple, I don't know. The hours of retail also bite the big one as well, I hate the fact that I get off at 8 o'clock while my wife has been home since 5. I mean, I have to be home so I can watch the Real World and the Hills with her, that's a no brainer. Tuesday nights when Glee is on are the nights I'm ok getting off at 8. It mostly just has to do with some customer's coming in just pissed off at the world. For exmaple, one gentlemen who supposidly has been gift wrapped the world comes in and says "I need a Droid X, customer service said you had one, and I could get it for free." I politely replied "Sir, the cheapest I can do the Droid X for is $99.00 after rebate if you have a credit on your account." The gentlemen then replied "Well I think I should get it for free, I've been a customer since 2001." In my head I said "Well my friend they want ice cubes in hell too." Of course I can't say that. You are treated like excrement in retail sales, no one respects you. Besides, I swear I got a degree for something, I may as well use it. The only problem is that I picked the worst time to graduate college. I'm filling out job applications and Barack Obama is playing hoops with Carmelo Anthonly, LeBron James, and Chris Paul. Someone tell me what's wrong with this picture? I love our country. Let's keep our fingers crossed to be out of retail by the end of the year.

2. Get back to my chizzled 200 lb frame and don't do it the John Daly route.
That's no lie, my senior year I weighed 195 to 200 lbs. Now, I'm up towards Orlando Pace territory at a whopping 258 lbs. Not good when your 26 years old. Not good when the only way I can score in hoops is by punishing people on the low block. Not good when I hit a softball to the fence and I can only make it to 2nd base. Not good when people come up to you and ask when you are due. Ok maybe the last one was a lie but that's what Ike says to me all the time. My reply to Ike is let me see your rib cage. The main point here is that I'm in terrible shape, I've let myself go to waste. My goal is to find a diet that works for me, stick to it, and get back to looking like Colin Farrell. You know it's bad when you sit down at a poker table in Vegas with your brother that's 4 years older than you and people say the only reason I look younger is because I can't grow facial hair. And the fact that my oldest brother right now has turned into Lance Armstrong and is probably biking to Mars right now is not doing me any favors. I never thought I'd see the day that my brother Josh would enjoy wearing spandex, but not the point. It's time to stop looking like I'm nine months pregnant. I figure I'll start slow, shed some pounds here and there, and casually work my way down to 200 lbs. If you see me in one year and I look like a shrivled up Frank Layden, well then you know I reached my goal.

1. Start a fam damily- - Oh boy, a little Lewis running around or Lewina for a girl.
All of you take a deep breath -- yes you heard me right. I figure Randi and I should start trying to have kids some time in the next couple of months. It would also be easier if I was out of retail so I don't get home at 8 o'clock at night and she's ready to toss the kid out the window. Can you imagine if the kid got Randi's athleticism and my looks? We would have a little Tom Brady walking around Kaysville. Ok, maybe both Randi's looks and athleticism, we don't need our kid to have my looks so people start asking why he or she looks like E.T. At first I was little scared to have kids. I had the opportunity to spend a day with Jeff & Ali Jensen's little boy Quinn. He may be one of the cutest kids I've ever seen, he's well behaved, and his hair is immaculate, and I mean immaculate. I know what you are thinking, if Jeff can be a good dad than I'm good to go. That's not what I meant. Being around those kids all weekend was a blast, just think about being around them 24/7? I can hear Mom's screaming at their computer screen right now after reading that last line. The main point is that I believe I'm ready to be a pops, I hope we get to find out within the next year.

There you have it my friends, stay tuned on updates on the goals listed above.

Top 10 Reasons Why BYU Football is going Independent - Or stay relevant in that matter

Rand Sargent Contributed to this, he absolutely made my day with this.

10. Every team that goes independent just loves it! I mean honestly, of the 55 teams in the history of college football that have gone independent, only 52 of them ever wanted back into a conference.

9. We lock up an automatic bid to the Independence Bowl, right?

8. If it worked for USU, why not us?

7. Recruits are going to flock to us now. Without the restrictions of conference affiliation, we can name every BYU player "1st Team all Independent."

6. Tom Holmoe is a huge Bollywood fan.

5. Bronco is a man of his word. He promised we would return to the glory years of the WAC and he was right!

4. In accordance with prophecy, "Independence in Football" is the first step back to "Independence, Missouri."

3. "Independence Day" is Jake Heaps' favorite movie. You have to admit that Will Smith is awesome!

2. "Spirit, Honor and Tradition" just seems to be missing something. Oh yeah, "Independence." Now...if only we could come up with an acronym for our core values.

1. It worked for the 13 colonies, right?

My Top 10 Toolbags From the Past Year

This list is well thought out. Below will have an honorable mention listing for tool bags that didn't make the list. I think you will find this list to be very thought out.

10. Lindsay Lohan - Actress and Psycho
Although I loved her in Mean Girls she definitely makes my list of tool bags. How many times can a person be given a chance to redeem herself of all her wrong doings? Cocaine use to drunk driving, you'd think a person would learn but I guess not. One thing is for certain, her role in Mean Girls will not save her from being on the Chris Foukas Tool Bag list.

9. Ben Roethlisberger - QB Pittsburgh Steelers
The man has more rape allegations against him than playoff victories in the last year, let's just say that's a losing record I wouldn't want on my side. Look, I understand you are a "celebrity athlete" but when two chicks in the same year come out and say "Hey Big Ben assaulted me," I don't care who you are. If I wasn't only 5'10" I'd like to slap Roethlismolestor right in the face.

8. Phil Jackson - Los Angeles Lakers Coach
How dare the man that walks on stilts criticize other players from teams. This makes him the biggest hypocrite of all time. You have the biggest flopper (Derek Fisher) on your team, the player in the NBA that get's the most calls (Kobe Bryant) and the best look alike for a camel (Pau Gasol.) Phil let's be honest, you've coached Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O'Neal, Scottie Pippen, and you have won 11 rings. My 83 year old grandma could sit on the sideline, pretend to shout stuff at the players and take credit. The only thing you should take credit for is being a d-bag.

7. Jake Pavelka - The Bachelor from last season
Oh boy, this guy made it into my tool bag list by going on a late season run. Besides looking like one of the band members from N'SYNC, the guy has tool bag written all over his forehead. The guy treats women like excrement and basically humiliates them on live television. The little time I've spent watching the Bachelor but I did catch the "Reunion Show." (Note: It should have been tapped the Most Awkward Show for the next 20 Minutes.) Remind me to never fly the airline that Jake Pavelka pilots, tool bags can't fly that well.

6. Hillary Clinton - Secretary of State of what used to be the United States
Ah the Clinton's are at it again. From busy pants dropping Bill to hypocritical Hillary it seems we do the circles. Hillary was quoted as ripping rich people for not giving their fair share back to the country and that they need to spend their money other ways. Ok, so Chelsea Clinton just got married correct? Last time I checked the wedding cost the Clinton's around 3 million dollars. And on that list of wedding necessitates for the bride, $15,000 in toilets. That's one expensive deuce dropping at a wedding. Yes the rich are spending money on stupid things but crazy liberals can spend $15,000 on toilets for a wedding. Did I miss something here? Congrats Hillary, you cracked the top 10. In regards to Chelsea Clinton, let me quote the late great Rodney Dangerfield, "Last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it."

5. LeBron James - Villain to the City of Cleveland & Miami Heat forward
Let me first say that I'm excited to watch the Miami Heat this year. Let's be honest though, LeBron waived the white flag. It would have been quicker for him to come out and say "Look I can't win a title on my own, I'm going to Miami." The Decision was ridiculous. He went on live T.V. and dumped the city of Cleveland. He could have just flipped them off, I probably would have done the same thing. Can you imagine dating a chick for 7 years, going on live T.V., and saying "hey it's been real but I found someone else that makes me happy." I feel for the city of Cleveland but let's be honest, no one wants to play in Cleveland. Michael Jordan said it perfect, "I wouldn't call Larry, Magic, and Isiah to tell them to come play with me." Translation: LeBron, untuck your bee bee's from between your legs and get it done in Cleveland. One thing we do know is the LeBron is the next Jordan convo is a done deal.

4. Tony Hayward - Former British Petroleum CEO
This guy is incredible. Not only was he in charge of the company that is responsible for the biggest oil spill in the world's history but he was cruising around on his yacht after the accident. That's like me spilling milk on the floor and telling my wife to clean it up while I go play golf with my friends. Gee, who could have seen it coming that he would all of a sudden step down from BP after a few months of the accident.

3. Spencer Pratt - Reality TV Star from The Hills (One of the greatest shows ever)
This Ike Tingey look like started creeping up my top 10 list within the last few months with his psycho antics stemming from this season of The Hills. When you start going to crystals for mental power and control, it's time to put down the devil's lettuce. Now that he and Heidi "My boobs require permits" Montag split, it's only a matter of time before he just goes ape on someone. The guy is a loser, he 86'd all of his friends, all of Heidi's friends hate him, and he basically told his sister to drive herself off a cliff. The guy has a lot going for him, I'm smelling a 15 year prison sentence for assault on a little old lady asking to look at his crystal.

2. Tiger Woods - Professional Golfer / Porn Star
Unfortunately I hate to put Tiger Woods here but for what he did to his wife, he makes the tool bag list of Chris Foukas. For a guy that got more ass than a toilet seat, it sure didn't effect his golf game until now. Tiger was really the last of the good guys, the guy that always kept his private life private. Now all of his privates are out in the open. I honestly do feel bad for the guy, but I feel worse for his wife Elin and the 100 million she'll get from Tiger. Sorry Tiger, I still cheer for you on the golf course but you do make the tool bag list.

1. Entire Cast Of Jersey Shore
Three things I never want to hear in the middle of a sentence are Vinnie, Donnie, and Snookie. Can you honestly tell me you haven't met a bigger group of tools? How did these guys get so famous? I thought the Zach Morris slick back hair with the under part shaved was out of style? I thought the Miami Vice look where you wear sport coats with nothing underneath was out of style as well? I'm ashamed that Snookie can probably out bench me and do more squats than me, however, I don't feel ashamed that I can hand the ball off to her on a fourth and one to get a first down. Ok that was a little harsh but you get my point. The Jersey Shore boys win my award for best looking New Kids on the Block 2010. Nice fist pump dance guys and a guy that calls himself "The Situation" should be kicked in the nads. They also are taking home the 2010 #1 spot on the Chris Foukas biggest tool bag list.

Honorable Mentions : Barack Obama (out of fear that he's probably reading this and will send out a hit), Ozzie Guillen, Brody Jenner, Scott (Kourtney Kardashian's husband)

NFL Preview from the - AFC West - On Target Predictions

Now that the LeBachelor is over, can anybody smell fresh cut turf in the air? I think football season is right around the corner and who in their right mind couldn't be excited. With the Jazz as quiet as the Germans on Victory Day in WWII I turn my mindset to football season. I've come to the conclusion that the Jazz just don't have the you know what to pull off a big deal so it's best to block that part of my life out at the moment (That was written at 6 p.m. yesterday, hello AL JEFFERSON!.)

Now this portion of the NFL Preview just concentrates on the AFC West. Kansas City Chiefs, Denver "America's Real Team" Broncos, the Al Davis Zombies or the Oakland Raiders, and the San Diego Chargers featuring DB of the year Philip Rivers. If you read the above passage about the Broncos and thought "Chris must be a Broncos fan," than you just received two points. With that being said, the Broncos aren't the best team in their division. If you continue reading below you will see what my predictions are for the AFC West are for this season. If you have stopped reading, well then to hell with you.

1. San Diego Chargers - 10 -6 - 1st Place
I can't think of a man I hate more than Philip "My throwing motion is a seizure" Rivers but he is the best quarterback in the AFC West. With that said, that isn't saying much when you are up against Matt Cassel, Kyle "I drink a 5th of scotch a day for breakfast" Orton, and Jason Campbell. The Charges let LaDanian Tomlinson walk in the off-season, and it was a smart move. He's up there in age, his stats are deteriorating and he already has a Jets tattoo on his leg. Even though Jamal Williams missed most of last season due to a season ending injury, I think the Chargers will miss that presence in the middle more than they know. I was shocked to see them trade Antonio Cromartie and now Shawne Merriman is also holding out. With that being said, the Chargers seem to find a way to start slow and then at the right time turn it on. I think Darren Sproles will have a solid year if he can stay healthy. At 5'6" and not able to ride all of the rides at Disneyland, it could take a vicious toll on the running back. I am interested to see how their rookie from Fresno St Ryan Matthews pans out, he could be a steal. Vincent Jackson could also be a distraction if he isn't signed or moved before the season starts. I expect the Chargers to win the division this year, and this will be the most painful think you'll ever hear me admit. It's like sticking a knife in my side Rambo style.

2. Denver Broncos - 8-8 - 2nd Place
The Broncos didn't do themselves any favors by trading probably the best wide receiver in football in Brandon Marshall to the Miami Dolphins but we all know Josh McDaniels is preaching team. They released Andra Davis with a handful of other defensive players in a move to get younger on that side of the ball. Champ Bailey definitely isn't what he used to be and Brian Dawkins is a year older but shows he can still knock people's heads off. Picking up Jamal Williams to stop the run will be huge if he can stay healthy. Offensively we've seem some new additions. Demaryius Thomas is going to have to have a huge year and when I mean huge I mean as big as Kirstie Alley's rear end. An Amber Alert was issued for Eddie Royal and it appears he is still on the team so as well will have to have a huge year. I said McDaniels will make an impact in his 3rd year and I'm sticking by hit. Denver will compete for the division will fall off towards the latter part of the year and will miss the playoffs.

3. Kansas City Chiefs - 6-10 - 3rd Place
I really do like the decision the Chiefs are going and it's in the opposite direction of Charlie Weis belt size (yes readers are saying you have no room to talk.) I think Matt Casel will be a good solid quarterback, he won't lose you games but he's not the type that will go out and win you games. Larry "The Cancer" Johnson is no longer there and it's the Jamal Charles show. Hopefully Dwayne Bowe will not be suspended for games this year because other wise, there offense could be really good. It's all about the Chiefs defense. If they can somehow figure out how to stop a nose bleed than they could be the darkhorse but I still feel they are two years away from contention. Got to like what Todd Haley is doing at Arrowhead though.

4. Oakland Raiders - 4-12 - 4th Place
The Al Davis Zombie's quite possible could be the worst sports franchise in the past 10 years other than the Pittsburgh Pirates. With the roster moves they made this year it doesn't appear it isn't likely to change this year. I do like the move they made at quarterback bringing in Jason Campbell and getting rid of the spokesman for Popeyes Chicken in Jamarcus Russell. (Note: JaMarcus Russell will go down as the biggest draft bust in the history of the NFL and he does have the biggest bust size as well.) The Raiders draft picks have notably been bad (See Darius Heyword Bey) but this year I like the Rolando McClain draft pick. He is somebody that will come in right away make the defense better. Nnamdi Asomugha is still the best kept secret in the league. I'd give my left arm to have him trade places with Champ Bailey. The Raiders still don't have enough weapons and their quarterback Campbell will have some up and downs this year. Look for them to be competitve though.

The AFC West will shape up as a tight race at first with the Chargers winning the division and them getting blown out in the playoffs is usual. It's like Groundhogs Day all over again.

Free Agents - Winners & Losers - And Who got screwed

At about 3 this afternoon I was sitting in a training class for work and found out through Twitter that Carlos Boozer would be signing a 5 year deal worth 80 million dollars with the Chicago Bulls. I won't lie, I about shat myself while in that class. An immediate thought was "Who in their right mind would pay Carlos "Swinging Door" Boozer 16 million a year?" How about a franchise that missed out on Wade, Bosh, Stoudemire, and possibly LeBron? This is a disaster signing for Chicago, in 3 years mark my words, the Bulls will be shopping Boozer's contract. He's 28, he's already missed almost 30% of the games he's played in, and tell me a power forward that has gotten better and healthy after age 30? Smart move by the Utah Jazz by not signing Boozer, the Paul Millsap era begins in Salt Lake City.

Another thought popped into my head, if you were a GM of an NBA team right now, who are max players that you'd throw money at to entice to come? Let's go through different level of players that deserve max money, some who deserve under the max, and some who are just flat out overpaid.

Tier 1 - I'll sell my house, soul, mortgage, wife, kids, & be your slave to come here!

LeBron James - The most exciting player to enter the league in the past 20 years, hell even 30 years. He throws down dunks that leave fans crapping in their huggies, the ultimate teammate, and did I mention he's only 26? If he develops a killer attitude, polishes his jump shot, and we could be having the conversation of being one of the greatest of all-time.

Dwayne Wade - A proven winner who plays for a franchise that basically gave him a broke down Jermaine O'Neal, a rehab specialist in Michael Beasley, Helen Keller, Stephen Hawking, and Dwayne Wade as a starting lineup. Anytime you are kicking the ball out to Chris Quinn and Mario Chalmers for 3 you have serious issues. The funny thing is that he lead the Miami Heat to a 5th seed in the playoffs losing to the Boston Celtics. Add Chris Bosh to this mix, a couple of sharp shooters, a true point guard, and the Miami Heat are a legit contender next year. Oh and one more thing, LeBron doesn't announce his decision until tomorrow, what if he signs with Miami? Excuse while I run and change my pants.

Kevin Durant - Durant acknowledged today that he signed an extension for 5 years 86 million dollars and the kid is worth every penny. The youngest scoring champion since MJ is seriously lethal from anywhere on the floor and is one of the most underrated defenders in the league. Can you imagine if the Portland Trailblazers took Durant over Greg Oden and his personal porn image? Andre Miller, Brandon Roy, Kevin Durant, Lamarcus Aldridge, and myself and we'd be pushing 60 games. Scary, thank heavens the Trailblazers are like the Oakland Raiders.

Kobe Bryant (Signed extension) - At 33, Kobe is still the best player in the NBA. He and Wade are the only two players that if they smell blood they will gouge you. As you saw this year, when Kobe is rested and healthy, he still dominates. The best player in the world since MJ retired. I know he went 6 for 24 in the NBA finals but he's also one of the best defenders in the league.

Dwight Howard (Not a FA) - This was a stretch for me but Dwight Howard changes a game so much. If Howard finds a way to polish his offensive skills, we could be looking at one of the best NBA players to play the game. He blocks shots, has shoulders the size of a Peterbuilt Diesel, he doesn't cuss, and he dunks over people. Mark my words, if this kid gets polished offensively, he will dominate, and I mean DOMINATE!

Carmelo Anthony - The best pure scorer in the NBA right now. He either punishes you on the block or takes you out on the perimeter with his money mid-range jumper. Only downfall about Carmelo is A.) He loves weed B.) He his a head case. You get those two issues out of the way and I'd take Carmelo any day of the week and twice on Sunday. He has an extension waiting from the Nuggets for 65 million over 3 years.

Tier 2 - OK, we like what you bring to the table, but why do you deserve this much?

Chris Bosh - So the big question is what has Chris Bosh won to deserve max money? He doesn't deserve max money but he got it anyways from the Miami Heat. He has a losing record in the NBA and has shown that he can't carry a team. He'll match up perfectly with Dwayne Wade where he will be the Robin which is exactly his role. Only problem is I don't think you should pay Robin 16 million a year. Miami was desperate to keep Wade though.

Joe Johnson - 119 million over 6 years for getting your team to the playoffs and being swept gets you this payday. Don't get me wrong, I love Joe Johnson, one of my favorite players in the league, but 119 million? Do you understand how many Jr Bacon Cheeseburgers that is from Wendy's? No way is Joe Johnson worth 119 million but like Miami, Atlanta was desperate. I was thinking more along the lines of 6 year 96 million was better or even 6 years 92 million. But 119 million? In 4 years when he's 32 and starts slowing down there will be Atlanta fans doing ecstasy, cocaine, and screwdrivers. You think the Michael Vick thing was bad, you just wait.

Dirk Nowitzki - He's in the same category as Chris Bosh. He needs someone else to help him win. We've seen his choke jobs in Dallas, his drunk picture with Steve Nash, and him call out Dwayne Wade by saying "Dallas gave the finals away to Miami." Actually Dirk, you gave the finals away, member those two free throws you missed to ice the game? Ouch.

Paul Pierce - The difference between Pierce and other listed here is that he's won a title. But he also had a supporting cast to surround him. Kicking the ball out to Ray Allen for 3 is not like kicking the ball out to Jose Calderon. You may as well kick it out to me for three because I'm just lethal. You can't deny Pierce though, he does have a title.

Tier 3 - Ok, you bent us over the counter, we are stuck with you for 5 years.

Amare Stoudemire - Eye injury, microfracture surgery, and a bad attitude usually gets you nowhere. If you are Amare Stoudemire, it gets you a 5 year deal worth 100 million dollars. (Just a sec while we get Knicks fans to put down the Jack Daniels.) I feel bad for the Knicks, dealing with the Isiah Thomas debacle just crippled their franchise and just made another bad move. Amare is 27 and power forwards don't get better after 30 but you are stuck paying the guy 20 million a year. Can anyone say Jermaine O'Neal, Kevin Garnett territory? I can. Here's how that convo went down with the Knicks and Amare.

Knicks : Ok Amare if you can go ahead and sign on the X here. This guarantees you 100 million over the next 5 years. And once you are done signing here, I'm going to go ahead and spread my legs so you can kick me in the balls.

Amare : Happily!

Carlos Boozer - He's missed 30% of his games the last 6 seasons, he disappears in all but one big game, (Game 7 of 2007 playoffs vs Houston) he sits out big games, is a selfish player and is nicknamed by my good friend Jeff Jensen as Carlos "Swinging Door" Boozer but got 16 mil a year. The Bulls were desperate to show LeBron that they've added talent to entice him to Chicago. Like Amare, Boozer is 28, and power forwards don't get better after 30. So a guy that's already missed 30% of his games in his mid-20's is all of a sudden going to stay healthy starting in his 30's? That's about as funny as Obama spending the stimulus money on abandoned bridges in Alabama.

I'm OK with the Jazz letting Boozer walk. They potentially just rid themselves of a terrible contract for a power forward heading for the down part of his career and doesn't play any sort of defense.

Let the Paul Millsap era begin in Salt Lake City!

NBA Draft Review and Free Agency Predictions

First I need to give a shout out to my fellow blogger Randall Gary Sargent and his wife Madison on being pregnant with their first child. Couldn't be happier for two people, wish I could say the same for the Jazz's draft pick last Thursday, I feel quite the opposite.

I THINK WE NEEDED A BIG, BUT I COULD BE WRONG

Ok, I think I'm dreaming, the Jazz just drafted the kid off the front of Mad Magazine. Do I think Hayward is NBA ready? No, he's a mix between Ike Tingey and well Ike Tingey. He's tall, lanky, white, slow, and not polished. Just exactly what the Jazz needed. We could look at it this way : 1.) We can say goodbye to Kyle Korver, who is our best shooter. 2.) This means the Jazz could be aggressively trying to shop Andrei Kirilenko (Maybe Stalin who just bought the Nets would be a taker.) 3.) The worst player to ever put on Jazz uniform (C.J. Miles) will start next year with Hayward having to share minutes. Do I think the Jazz took the best player on the board? Right now, yes. But that doesn't fill our needs. As a team that will be lacking size when Carlos Boozer bolts in free agency, we still lack length, and we just punched our ticket to a first round loss in the playoffs, if we make the playoffs. I bet Deron Williams is thrilled with this pick, as he pours himself a screwdriver every morning. So let's say I own a mini van, and I drive to the dealership and buy another mini van. So now I have two mini vans. I pull up in the driveway with my wife expecting me to have a different car picked out. "Look what I got honey! A Brand new 2011 mini van." She replies, "Sweetheart we already have one." "Babe but now we have two mini vans!." "Hey Chris, can you check the back tire for me? It looks a little low." As I put my head behind the tire, she immediately throws it in reverse. That's honestly the dialogue that Jazz management has in the war room. "Let's take Hayward." "Kevin, we already have a log jam at the 3." "But he's white, lanky, slow, and can barely shoot, we need more of these guys." "Ok, pull the trigger." Sigh, another long year for the Jazz.

THIS SUMMER WILL BE OFF THE HOOK

The only thing better than the free agency frenzy is Katy Perry's California Girls song, it's probably the best Summer tune of all time. You know college kids down in Cancun are getting absolutely sauced while listening to this song and partying, not that I have any idea how that works..... but anyways, back to my predictions. So where is everybody ending up when it's all said in done? This is about as tough to predict as the Simpson's "Who shot Mr Burns" contest that ran in the mid-90's. I had Waylon Smithers down, who would have though Maggie Simpson? Anyways, let's run down the list and why they are heading there.

LeBron James - Ok, so middle of the year LeBron comes out and says "I'm changing my number to 6, this is MJ's number." That there raises flags. Why not change it when you were 2 or 3 years into the league? You are now just realizing that you will never be on MJ's level? LeBron's going to Chicago.
Let's narrow down his choices:

New York Knicks - The Knicks have the ability to sign another max player other than LeBron but their team just isn't great. Nobody should ever have to kick the ball out to Chris Duhon for three. Eddie House maybe. You may as well kick it out to Helen Keller for 3 because it ain't going in.

Miami Heat - The Heat have the luxury of signing two max players besides Dwayne Wade. So maybe Chris Bosh, LeBron James, and Dwayne Wade. I smell 2003 Dallas Mavericks all over that, too many superstars. The year Dallas started Nash, Jamison, Antoine Walker God help us), Dirk Nowitzki, and Michael Finley (the black look a like of Todd Boucher). Wade and James couldn't co-exist, they both need the ball in their hands at all times. The team would be scary good, but none of the superstars will give up handling the rock.

Chicago Bulls - They get one more luxury player besides LeBron which would most likely be Chris Bosh. Let's look at this lineup. Rose, a kid in a wheelchair, James, Bosh, Noah with Luol Deng coming off the bench with Taj Gibson. That team is winning 60 plus games.

So out of those three teams, who has the more attractive roster and the chance to win rings? Chicago, book it, he's signing with the Bulls.

Dwayne Wade - Unlike James, Wade isn't looking to move anywhere. He's always said that his heart is in Miami, kind of like Forrest always belonged with Jenny. (Anyone that argues that Forrest Gump isn't Tom Hanks' best movie should immediately be kicked between the legs.) Wade needs help though. I think Bosh, Boozer, or Amare could end up there. I think most likely Boozer ends up there with the help of one other max player. Wade stays in Miami and keeps the party rolling on South Beach.

Carlos Boozer - If the Jazz resign Carlos Boozer, I will drive to Kevin O'Connor's house, light a bag of poop on his door step, and run. Boozer will be a 14-16 million dollar mistake for the next 4 years. It's like me going to buy a treadmill at Sports Authority, I'll just waste 300 bucks on something I'll never get use out of. I'm looking forward to watching another team having Nene Hilario, Andray Blatche, Jimmy Dolan from "The Air Up There," and Erick Dampier light up Carlos Boozer. With that being said, I think Boozer winds up where he's always wanted to be, Miami. He has a home there, his son can live there without any issues (Oh Boy, it's Derek Fisher all over again.), and his wife can shop at Dash with Kourtney Kardashian. Say hello to South Beach Carlos, don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Amare Stoudemire - The second worst defender in the league behind Carlos Boozer, who will undoubtedly dupe some team into giving him a max contract. The team that will be roofied by Amare? The New York Knicks. Where else could Amare go, put up great offensive numbers and not play a lick of defense? That's right, with Mike D'Antonio and the New York Knicks. Amare is like another Boozer, he wants to be the guy and he wants to be paid like the guy. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan, she thinks she's a great actor, a role model for society when she's really a walking time bomb. Welcome to the Big Apple Amare, you'll be lucky to win 40 games but you'll be singing Jay Z's, "let's hear it for New York," while your playing.

Joe Johnson - Word around town is that Joe Johnson would take less money to play back under Mike D'Antoni in New York. If he ends up in New York, it might not be a solid squad if they could sign 2 of 3 other solid players. I don't think Joe Johnson is a max player, he disappeared in the playoffs quicker than BP's CEO when the oil spill happened. Johnson reunites with D'Antonio and Amare in New York where they will be the 4 or 5th best team in the east if they sing some other solid players.

Dirk Nowitzki - So Dirk is opting out, does anyone really think he is going anywhere? You know D-bag Cuban will throw a bunch of cash at Dirk to say. Besides, I think with a few roster tweaks, the Mavericks could be pretty filthy next year. They didn't have a ton of time to gel, give them one full season and they'll be in good shape.

Chris Bosh - One thing is for certain, there is no way in hell he's going back to Toronto. Hedo Turkoglu has already said he's out and after that, the pantry is bare bones. Bosh isn't a guy that can carry a team by himself, he needs another new superstar by him. I think he follows LeBron to Chicago. Chiacago and Orlando will fight over the top two seeds in the east with Miami being in third.

It appears the Summer is just starting. Sit back, grab a drink, and enjoy the free agent frenzy!

Pet Peeves of a Cell Phone Salesmen

Rand Sargent, Tyler Gapinski, Nate Herr, Asaad Salleh, and Jake Atwater can all attest to what I'm about to vent about. By the way, it feels like an eternity since the last time I've written a post about something else besides sports, but what can I say? Sports gets me going.

Now being a cell phone salesmen is definitely not the greatest gig in the world but I also can't complain. My wife and I live comfortably, I make a good living, and it puts a golf club in my hand once a week. Is it a career? Obviously not. Only problem is I graduated with a degree from Weber State University at a time when our President is more worried about where LeBron James is going to play next year than trying to fix the economy. Wait, President Obama is trying to fix the economy. He's approving stimulus bills to fix broken bridges in cities in Alabama that have a population of six people. Our tax dollars at work.

Most of the customers I deal with about 95% of the time have their heads on straight and they are the coolest people. The other 5%, let's just say they make Anna Nicole Smith look like Sarah Palin. Customers like Tanya Waters, Teya Wilson, Courtney Pitcher, and Scott Lewis all make the job easier. But it's customer's that don't realize we are in 2010 and that Huey Lewis and the News are no longer touring. So with that being said, top 5 pet peeves of a cell phone salesmen from Chris Foukas' point of view. The others listed above may have different opinions on some.

1. "Ok I'll look up your account, what's your phone number?"

I deal with this almost two or three times a week. A customer will come in complaining about her phone not being able to do her laundry and wants me to fix it. So I ask "Ok what's your phone number?" Their reply, "Hell I don't know my number, you find it for me, I don't call myself." This is the point where I ask the customer if her parents are brother and sister. How long have cell phones been in play? Mid 90's? How in the world do you not know your phone number? When a school asks for an emergency contact number for your son and daughter, do you give them that same reply? "OK Mrs X, if your son or daughter decides to Joe Theisman their arm, what's the best number to reach you on?" "Hell I don't know, call 911, I don't call myself." I made this analogy to a customer the other day. I get my oil changed through Kaysville Express Lube, they do a terrific job by the way. If I walked into their office and said "Yes, I need an oil change on my car." "Ok what kind of car do you have?" "What? You want me to look under the hood? How the hell should I know what kind of car I drive?" You know a mechanic is going to come escort me to the back of the shop, tire wrench me right in the knee cap, poor oil on me, and say with a Brooklyn accent "You sure you don't remember your car model you worthless sack of excrement."

2. "I've been with Verizon Wireless since before you were born."

Ah, my favorite reply to when I have to break the news to a customer that he or she isn't available for an upgrade. "Sir, it doesn't look like you're eligible to upgrade until September 2011, you just upgraded last June." "Well I've been with Verizon since your mother was changing your diapers and Ronald Reagan was President." "Sir Verizon Wireless formed in 2000, I'm not sure how that's possible, unless I'm 10 years old? Which of course my wife tells me I act like that." "Get me your effing manager!" Honestly that's how it plays out. Customer's honestly think we are out to get them when we tell them they aren't eligible to upgrade their phone. Last time I checked, some of our pay is based off you upgrading, why would I not want you to upgrade? I'm not one to argue with customers, but sometimes I do have to question someone's logic of thinking.

3. Some customer's are just flat out dirt bags

I ran into this situation about 3 weeks ago. Customer comes into my store and tells me that his phone keeps freezing on him when he tries to send a text message. So he and his wife are standing right in front of me when he hands me his phone for me to look at. What do I find right on the front of the screen? Some wallpaper of a naked biker chick sitting on a Harley Davidson. I look up, glance at him, and then his wife, hand the phone to him and said, "would you mind changing the wallpaper?" He then laughs with a smart ass remark "What? You don't like what you see?" My reply, "No sir, I actually enjoy being married." He had the nuts to ask me that. I could have replied with "Look I know your wife looks like the bottom of my foot but porn isn't my thing." You would think that some people would have the decency to change something like that if you are having someone look at your phone. The best part about it is that his wife is standing right next to him, how can this not bother you? My wife tries to kick me in the nuts if I say the lead singer from Paramore has a terrific voice and this dude has some naked chick on her phone with his wife standing right next to him. "Oh my wife and I are the happiest people in the world." I immediately go to my Dr.Evil reply, "Riiiiiiggggggggghhhhhhhhtttttttt."

4. "You should tell the CEO that."

A lady came in a few days ago to exchange a device out for a different device and was upset that we charged a $35 restocking fee. Look I don't agree with the restocking fee, but it's nothing I can control. So when I tell her I have no authority to change the policy, she tells me I should e-mail or call the CEO of Verizon Wireless to tell him that we should change it. Here is how that conversation would go with Lowell McAdam, CEO of Verizon Wireless.

Chris: Hey Lowell, it's Chris Foukas from the Layton Store, I have a customer that is really upset about the restocking fee and wants us to change it.

Lowell: Uh who are you and why are you bothering me on my yacht while I'm in the Caribbean?

I usually will just pull the Jim Halper from The Office routine when Dwight and Michael ask him to look up Gaydar on Sharper Images website. A few taps from my keyboard and I reply with "Ok it's been sent, I'll let you know when he replies back." If you don't know what I'm talking about, see below.



5. "I got an e-mail and text message saying I get this phone for free."

Everyday I'll get a customer that comes in and says "Ya I got an e-mail saying that I get a Droid for free without signing a two year agreement." My reply "Well they also want ice cubes in hell my friend." They actually don't comprehend why they don't get a free phone without signing an agreement, so I go into deep detail with them.
Chris : "Let me ask you this Fred, why would I give you a $560 device for free
without signing an agreement?"
Fred : "Well I've been with Verizon since 1995."
Chris : "Verizon has only been here since 2000."
Fred : "Well I don't like contracts but I should still be able to get a free
phone."
Chris : "So if I walked into a Honda dealership and said "Hey I've had 2 Honda
Civics and now an Accord, I'm entitled to a brand new 2010 Honda Accord
for free, I hate loans so I just want it for free." What will their reply
to me be?
Fred : "Probably no."
Chris : "Probably Fred? They not only would say no but hell no and slap me."
Fred : "Well I'm not signing an agreement but I want a free phone."
Chris : "Well you can wish in one hand and crap in the other, and tell me which
hand gets filled first."

Eventually I talked Fred into getting a new smartphone at a good price but it was like pulling teeth from an alligator trying to explain how a business model works.
Nothing like a day in the life of Chris Foukas - I'm playing for team Verizon, for now :)

Watching a game through the eyes of Chris Foukas

Let me make it clear that I do not like the Los Angeles Lakers nor do I like the Phoenix Suns. Whoever wins out of the Boston Celtics and Orlando Magic(which it looks like Boston would lay the wood to them tomorrow) that's who I want to win the NBA Finals. I've had numerous people ask what goes through my mind when I watch an NBA game, so I figured I'd give you an insight on what goes through Chris' brain while watching game 3 of the Lakers and Suns.

1st Quarter
9:40 - Robin Lopez aka Sideshow Bob throws a dunk back on Andrew Bynum bringing the Suns fans to their feet. (Note: Do you notice how every NBA team tries to do the white out or orange out thing? You know who started that right? One of the greatest teams in NBA history - the 2007 Golden State Warriors)

Robin Lopez


Can I just say I'm extremely excited to not have to listen to Doug Collins next year on TNT? I honestly think if Kobe Bryant took Doug Collins out on a date, Collins would give him some action.

Lakers lead the Suns by 3 after the first quarter. You'd think Alvin Gentry would realize that Grant Hill can't guard Kobe Bryant. Bryant has simply taken Hill to the woodshed this series.

2nd quarter
The Slovenian sensation who never woke up during the Suns Spurs series has now entered the game, I'm talking about Goran Dragic. Only good thing about Dragic is that he's left handed. (Note: Channing Frye is 6'10" and he still hasn't set foot in the paint since he's entered the game - who does he think he is Arvydas Sabonis?)

9:14 - Dragic makes a bonus and 1 against Andrew Bynum, shades of his BS coming back from the Spurs series. I don't think I would mind Dragic getting an elbow in the face right now.

On a side note, what's the over under for how many times Gasol screams down low when he's going up for a jump hook? I will say 19.5.

6:35 - Gizmo from The Gremlins (Jordan Farmer) just buried a three in the corner to put the Lakers up by six, I wonder if the guy can hear XM radio through his ears.

Jordan Farmer

4:03 - Grant Hill threads a no look pass to Robin Lopez who in the words of Bill Walton "Throws it down big man." Who else would like to see Robin Lopez in a Utah Jazz uniform? Someone that just plays defense and gets garbage points. My hand is raised.

Steve Nash might be the best point guard at keeping his dribble alive. I know coaches say dribbling too much can be bad but when Steve Nash is doing it good things happen. As I was typing that Nash hits his patented mid-range fadeaway jumped over Derek Fisher who surprisingly didn't fall down when he had a screen put on him.

On a mismatch Fisher fouls Robin Lopez in the post, and immediately does his stupid grin like "Wow, I'm the president of the players association and you called a foul on me." (Note: Players that smile when they get a foul called on them and who I'd like to fart in their face are as follows : Derek Fisher, Carmelo Anthony, JR SMith, Grant Hill, and Rasheed Wallace.) Bryant misses a three to end the half and the Suns lead the Lakers.

3rd Quarter

7:47 Robin Lopez puts the ball on the floor, spins to his left, and throws a jump hook over Pau Gasol. Lopez so far has been Phoenix's best player tonight. You'll never hear that often, that's like me saying O.J. was innocent. As I'm typing that, Derek Fisher hits a corner three, I can't stand him.

6:36 - Robin Lopez just became my favorite player in the league, as he runs down the court from Fisher pushing him, Lopez catches Fisher in the forehead with an elbow in which tough guy Fisher gets in his face, or his stomach I should say, don't bite his ankle D-Fish.

Lamar Odom looks disinterested tonight. Maybe it's because he watched the sexy video that Khole Kardashian made him, I know I would never be able to recover after watching that tragedy.

Nice commercial Hanes, do you honestly think Michael Jordan would be flying public transportation? That's like saying I'd go to Burger King when there's an In & Out Burger in my basement - - not happening.

4:13 - Every three pointer that Fisher hits I'd like to donate to an NBA D-Leaguer's salary to give him an incentive to close line Fisher every time he goes to the basket.

Craig Sager's suit is just filthy, he needs to start his own clothing line.


2:10 - Kobe Bryant comes down and buries a three pointer and immediately Doug Collins starts getting naked. Kobe has shot the rock well tonight, you can tell six days of rest did him well.

With 26.5 seconds left in the 3rd, Marv Albert says a stunning stat. Kobe Bryant is shooting his first free throws of the night. David Stern is not going to stand for that, he's immediately on the radio to Tim Donag....errrrrrr Joe Derosa to make sure Kobe starts getting the business. What happens after I write that, Kobe makes his second consecutive trip to the line. This is too easy.

4th Quarter

9:54 Dragic is at the free throw line and Marv Albert just has to come out with the "Dragic coming off his career high Game 3 against the Spurs." I now hate Marv Albert. Dragic can throw up garbage and 1's from the three point line but can't hit a free throw. Sounds about right.

Does anyone else think that if you pushed Phil Jackson over that he'd shatter into pieces like the T-1000 in Terminator 2 : Judgment Day? The guy has to be two hip surgeries deep because he walks like he's on stilts.

T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgment Day

So while the game is on a commercial my wife turns the movie "Failure to Launch" on. Surprise, a movie with Matthew McConaughey running around half naked tapping hideous chicks (Kate Hudson and Sarah Jessica Parker) with absolutely no plot. Excuse me while I go outside and have a smoke.

7:58 Lopez bangs a 19 footer down and is now 8-10 from the floor with 18 points. Raise your hand if you ever thought Robin Lopez would be the Suns best player tonight. I'm raising my hand........... just kidding.

6:57 Kobe loses the handle of the ball and throws it right to Nash. Nash then leads a fast break, finds Jason Richardson in the corner who buries a three to awaken the half-sober Phoenix crowd. It seems like every Suns game I watch, Jason Richardson his a pre-timeout three pointer that caps off a run. Shades of those 2007 Golden State Warrior days.

4:33 David Stern radios down to one of the referees and Steve Nash gets a phantom lose ball foul called on him. How's it a foul on Nash when Bryant pins Nash's arm against his chest and flails at the ball? It's because David Stern says it was.

At the 3:51 mark you get a flash of a d-bag wearing a LeBron James jersey at a Lakers Suns game. Hey my man, why don't you ask Delonte West how LeBron's mom is doing? Google that if you don't know what I'm talking about.

1:21 Ron Artest hits a three in the corner to bring the Lakers within six to which Doug Collins suggests "Now it's a two possession game." Yes we know Doug, shush.

That next possession Amare Stoudemire just abuses Pau Gasol down low. Stoudemire and Lopez have been absolute beasts tonight, that could be a scary combo for years to come if he stays in Phoenix.

26.8 - Jason Richardson hits another corner three pointer to seal the game. After a runner by Bryant that misses badly, Fisher than head butts Steve Nash and what appears Nash tries to break his nose back into place. I then vommited after watching that, just when I started typing that he did it again. Someone tell that damn Canadian to stop making me sick.

Not a bad night for the NBA, atleast one of the conference finals series won't be a blow out.