Everyone has goals in life, the ones listed below are absolutely realistic. Ok, well four of them. Ok, maybe three of them, regardless, everyone in life needs to have direction. What a better way to put yourself in the right direction with a GOAL LIST! Now, these are personal goals, many of you will probably laugh at the notions below. I only have one thing to say to you, go suck a railroad spike. With that being said, these goals need to be accomplished by August 20th, 2011, which is exactly one year from now. Laugh it up all you want, but they laughed at Louie Armstrong when he went to the moon, and look who's laughing now.
These are listed from least important to most important.
5. Qualify for one of the World Series of Poker's Tournaments next Summer.
Yes, you read #5 correctly. Everyone has atleast one unreachable goal on their list, this is mine. You may ask yourself "Well, Chris, you are Mormon, you can't play in a poker tournament." I realize what I might do is frowned upon, but that would really only be my chance to be on ESPN. Lord knows I won't be broadcast on the wide world of sports due to my athleticism since I haven't had any since the 9th grade. Sleepness nights listening to my wife's on and off again snoaring has given me the opportunity to watch some of the events on ESPN. I'd give myself a good chance to compete with some of those guys that play in the events down in Vegas, they don't call me King Louie for nothing. I'm like a Charles Dickens novel, I'm tough to read. I could go all-in with 4-3 when the flop says ace, king, jack, 10, and you would have no idea what I have. Or I single handily trap you with pocket jacks with a jack on the flop and slow play you until you go all in and I snatch you like the plant from Little Shop of Horrors. One thing is for sure, if you hear Norman Chad call my name for a final table, don't be surprised.
4. Break 80 at Davis Golf Course in Fruit Heights, Utah
Most of you already know that I love to golf. And I play with two damn good players (no not you Johnny Darrohn) in Rand Sargent & Ike Tingey. It's almost unfair to play with them (that's what she said) because they are so long (that's what she said) off the tee. Rand is probably the best putter I've ever seen and Ike is the most consistent player I've played with..............that sounded bad, that I've golfed with. One thing they have done is encouraged me to get better as a golfer. Now we all know I'll never be a scratch golfer. Maybe a 5 to 6 handicapper is realistic. So my best scores have come at different courses, 77 at Eaglewood golf course in 2008(also the day that Ike and I rolled our cart going down number 15 which I take full responsibility for his concussion,) 78 at Lakeside golf course, and 81 at Wasatch Mountain State Park. For some odd reason, I never put 18 holes together at Davis Park. I don't know what it is about Davis, it gives me fits. One day I will break 80 at Davis, and it will be before August 20th of 2011. Last week I played with my lovely wife, I fired a 38 on the front 9 which is the best I've ever shot on the front. On my way to breaking 80 correct? Wrong my friends, I blew up like a pipeline for BP Oil. Walking off number 18 I was stunned, I hadn't realized what had happened to my round that was going so well. It was like watching an episode of The Gates, you couldn't really understand what was happening. It also doesn't help that you only hit 3 fairways throughout the day and that I look exactly like Craig Stadler. If my short game gets better along with my putter, I think I can acheive being a 6 handicapper with many chances to break 80 at Davis. Just watch and see.
3. Get the hell out of retail - - before it drives me to drink.
Don't get me wrong, Verizon Wireless is a great company, great benefits, and I absolutely love who I work with. It's the fact that I deal with the people from the Hills Have Eyes that drive me bananas. Questions about how many minutes the unlimited plan has can only keep a person sane for so long. Or the 36,703 questions we get a week about when Verizon will get the iPHone. Do I look like Steve Jobs? Does it look like I have a receding hairline? Am I an ass to people? No, I'm not the CEO of Apple, I don't know. The hours of retail also bite the big one as well, I hate the fact that I get off at 8 o'clock while my wife has been home since 5. I mean, I have to be home so I can watch the Real World and the Hills with her, that's a no brainer. Tuesday nights when Glee is on are the nights I'm ok getting off at 8. It mostly just has to do with some customer's coming in just pissed off at the world. For exmaple, one gentlemen who supposidly has been gift wrapped the world comes in and says "I need a Droid X, customer service said you had one, and I could get it for free." I politely replied "Sir, the cheapest I can do the Droid X for is $99.00 after rebate if you have a credit on your account." The gentlemen then replied "Well I think I should get it for free, I've been a customer since 2001." In my head I said "Well my friend they want ice cubes in hell too." Of course I can't say that. You are treated like excrement in retail sales, no one respects you. Besides, I swear I got a degree for something, I may as well use it. The only problem is that I picked the worst time to graduate college. I'm filling out job applications and Barack Obama is playing hoops with Carmelo Anthonly, LeBron James, and Chris Paul. Someone tell me what's wrong with this picture? I love our country. Let's keep our fingers crossed to be out of retail by the end of the year.
2. Get back to my chizzled 200 lb frame and don't do it the John Daly route.
That's no lie, my senior year I weighed 195 to 200 lbs. Now, I'm up towards Orlando Pace territory at a whopping 258 lbs. Not good when your 26 years old. Not good when the only way I can score in hoops is by punishing people on the low block. Not good when I hit a softball to the fence and I can only make it to 2nd base. Not good when people come up to you and ask when you are due. Ok maybe the last one was a lie but that's what Ike says to me all the time. My reply to Ike is let me see your rib cage. The main point here is that I'm in terrible shape, I've let myself go to waste. My goal is to find a diet that works for me, stick to it, and get back to looking like Colin Farrell. You know it's bad when you sit down at a poker table in Vegas with your brother that's 4 years older than you and people say the only reason I look younger is because I can't grow facial hair. And the fact that my oldest brother right now has turned into Lance Armstrong and is probably biking to Mars right now is not doing me any favors. I never thought I'd see the day that my brother Josh would enjoy wearing spandex, but not the point. It's time to stop looking like I'm nine months pregnant. I figure I'll start slow, shed some pounds here and there, and casually work my way down to 200 lbs. If you see me in one year and I look like a shrivled up Frank Layden, well then you know I reached my goal.
1. Start a fam damily- - Oh boy, a little Lewis running around or Lewina for a girl.
All of you take a deep breath -- yes you heard me right. I figure Randi and I should start trying to have kids some time in the next couple of months. It would also be easier if I was out of retail so I don't get home at 8 o'clock at night and she's ready to toss the kid out the window. Can you imagine if the kid got Randi's athleticism and my looks? We would have a little Tom Brady walking around Kaysville. Ok, maybe both Randi's looks and athleticism, we don't need our kid to have my looks so people start asking why he or she looks like E.T. At first I was little scared to have kids. I had the opportunity to spend a day with Jeff & Ali Jensen's little boy Quinn. He may be one of the cutest kids I've ever seen, he's well behaved, and his hair is immaculate, and I mean immaculate. I know what you are thinking, if Jeff can be a good dad than I'm good to go. That's not what I meant. Being around those kids all weekend was a blast, just think about being around them 24/7? I can hear Mom's screaming at their computer screen right now after reading that last line. The main point is that I believe I'm ready to be a pops, I hope we get to find out within the next year.
There you have it my friends, stay tuned on updates on the goals listed above.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Top 10 Reasons Why BYU Football is going Independent - Or stay relevant in that matter
Rand Sargent Contributed to this, he absolutely made my day with this.
10. Every team that goes independent just loves it! I mean honestly, of the 55 teams in the history of college football that have gone independent, only 52 of them ever wanted back into a conference.
9. We lock up an automatic bid to the Independence Bowl, right?
8. If it worked for USU, why not us?
7. Recruits are going to flock to us now. Without the restrictions of conference affiliation, we can name every BYU player "1st Team all Independent."
6. Tom Holmoe is a huge Bollywood fan.
5. Bronco is a man of his word. He promised we would return to the glory years of the WAC and he was right!
4. In accordance with prophecy, "Independence in Football" is the first step back to "Independence, Missouri."
3. "Independence Day" is Jake Heaps' favorite movie. You have to admit that Will Smith is awesome!
2. "Spirit, Honor and Tradition" just seems to be missing something. Oh yeah, "Independence." Now...if only we could come up with an acronym for our core values.
1. It worked for the 13 colonies, right?
10. Every team that goes independent just loves it! I mean honestly, of the 55 teams in the history of college football that have gone independent, only 52 of them ever wanted back into a conference.
9. We lock up an automatic bid to the Independence Bowl, right?
8. If it worked for USU, why not us?
7. Recruits are going to flock to us now. Without the restrictions of conference affiliation, we can name every BYU player "1st Team all Independent."
6. Tom Holmoe is a huge Bollywood fan.
5. Bronco is a man of his word. He promised we would return to the glory years of the WAC and he was right!
4. In accordance with prophecy, "Independence in Football" is the first step back to "Independence, Missouri."
3. "Independence Day" is Jake Heaps' favorite movie. You have to admit that Will Smith is awesome!
2. "Spirit, Honor and Tradition" just seems to be missing something. Oh yeah, "Independence." Now...if only we could come up with an acronym for our core values.
1. It worked for the 13 colonies, right?
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
My Top 10 Toolbags From the Past Year
This list is well thought out. Below will have an honorable mention listing for tool bags that didn't make the list. I think you will find this list to be very thought out.
10. Lindsay Lohan - Actress and Psycho
Although I loved her in Mean Girls she definitely makes my list of tool bags. How many times can a person be given a chance to redeem herself of all her wrong doings? Cocaine use to drunk driving, you'd think a person would learn but I guess not. One thing is for certain, her role in Mean Girls will not save her from being on the Chris Foukas Tool Bag list.
9. Ben Roethlisberger - QB Pittsburgh Steelers
The man has more rape allegations against him than playoff victories in the last year, let's just say that's a losing record I wouldn't want on my side. Look, I understand you are a "celebrity athlete" but when two chicks in the same year come out and say "Hey Big Ben assaulted me," I don't care who you are. If I wasn't only 5'10" I'd like to slap Roethlismolestor right in the face.
8. Phil Jackson - Los Angeles Lakers Coach
How dare the man that walks on stilts criticize other players from teams. This makes him the biggest hypocrite of all time. You have the biggest flopper (Derek Fisher) on your team, the player in the NBA that get's the most calls (Kobe Bryant) and the best look alike for a camel (Pau Gasol.) Phil let's be honest, you've coached Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O'Neal, Scottie Pippen, and you have won 11 rings. My 83 year old grandma could sit on the sideline, pretend to shout stuff at the players and take credit. The only thing you should take credit for is being a d-bag.
7. Jake Pavelka - The Bachelor from last season
Oh boy, this guy made it into my tool bag list by going on a late season run. Besides looking like one of the band members from N'SYNC, the guy has tool bag written all over his forehead. The guy treats women like excrement and basically humiliates them on live television. The little time I've spent watching the Bachelor but I did catch the "Reunion Show." (Note: It should have been tapped the Most Awkward Show for the next 20 Minutes.) Remind me to never fly the airline that Jake Pavelka pilots, tool bags can't fly that well.
6. Hillary Clinton - Secretary of State of what used to be the United States
Ah the Clinton's are at it again. From busy pants dropping Bill to hypocritical Hillary it seems we do the circles. Hillary was quoted as ripping rich people for not giving their fair share back to the country and that they need to spend their money other ways. Ok, so Chelsea Clinton just got married correct? Last time I checked the wedding cost the Clinton's around 3 million dollars. And on that list of wedding necessitates for the bride, $15,000 in toilets. That's one expensive deuce dropping at a wedding. Yes the rich are spending money on stupid things but crazy liberals can spend $15,000 on toilets for a wedding. Did I miss something here? Congrats Hillary, you cracked the top 10. In regards to Chelsea Clinton, let me quote the late great Rodney Dangerfield, "Last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it."
5. LeBron James - Villain to the City of Cleveland & Miami Heat forward
Let me first say that I'm excited to watch the Miami Heat this year. Let's be honest though, LeBron waived the white flag. It would have been quicker for him to come out and say "Look I can't win a title on my own, I'm going to Miami." The Decision was ridiculous. He went on live T.V. and dumped the city of Cleveland. He could have just flipped them off, I probably would have done the same thing. Can you imagine dating a chick for 7 years, going on live T.V., and saying "hey it's been real but I found someone else that makes me happy." I feel for the city of Cleveland but let's be honest, no one wants to play in Cleveland. Michael Jordan said it perfect, "I wouldn't call Larry, Magic, and Isiah to tell them to come play with me." Translation: LeBron, untuck your bee bee's from between your legs and get it done in Cleveland. One thing we do know is the LeBron is the next Jordan convo is a done deal.
4. Tony Hayward - Former British Petroleum CEO
This guy is incredible. Not only was he in charge of the company that is responsible for the biggest oil spill in the world's history but he was cruising around on his yacht after the accident. That's like me spilling milk on the floor and telling my wife to clean it up while I go play golf with my friends. Gee, who could have seen it coming that he would all of a sudden step down from BP after a few months of the accident.
3. Spencer Pratt - Reality TV Star from The Hills (One of the greatest shows ever)
This Ike Tingey look like started creeping up my top 10 list within the last few months with his psycho antics stemming from this season of The Hills. When you start going to crystals for mental power and control, it's time to put down the devil's lettuce. Now that he and Heidi "My boobs require permits" Montag split, it's only a matter of time before he just goes ape on someone. The guy is a loser, he 86'd all of his friends, all of Heidi's friends hate him, and he basically told his sister to drive herself off a cliff. The guy has a lot going for him, I'm smelling a 15 year prison sentence for assault on a little old lady asking to look at his crystal.
2. Tiger Woods - Professional Golfer / Porn Star
Unfortunately I hate to put Tiger Woods here but for what he did to his wife, he makes the tool bag list of Chris Foukas. For a guy that got more ass than a toilet seat, it sure didn't effect his golf game until now. Tiger was really the last of the good guys, the guy that always kept his private life private. Now all of his privates are out in the open. I honestly do feel bad for the guy, but I feel worse for his wife Elin and the 100 million she'll get from Tiger. Sorry Tiger, I still cheer for you on the golf course but you do make the tool bag list.
1. Entire Cast Of Jersey Shore
Three things I never want to hear in the middle of a sentence are Vinnie, Donnie, and Snookie. Can you honestly tell me you haven't met a bigger group of tools? How did these guys get so famous? I thought the Zach Morris slick back hair with the under part shaved was out of style? I thought the Miami Vice look where you wear sport coats with nothing underneath was out of style as well? I'm ashamed that Snookie can probably out bench me and do more squats than me, however, I don't feel ashamed that I can hand the ball off to her on a fourth and one to get a first down. Ok that was a little harsh but you get my point. The Jersey Shore boys win my award for best looking New Kids on the Block 2010. Nice fist pump dance guys and a guy that calls himself "The Situation" should be kicked in the nads. They also are taking home the 2010 #1 spot on the Chris Foukas biggest tool bag list.
Honorable Mentions : Barack Obama (out of fear that he's probably reading this and will send out a hit), Ozzie Guillen, Brody Jenner, Scott (Kourtney Kardashian's husband)
10. Lindsay Lohan - Actress and Psycho
Although I loved her in Mean Girls she definitely makes my list of tool bags. How many times can a person be given a chance to redeem herself of all her wrong doings? Cocaine use to drunk driving, you'd think a person would learn but I guess not. One thing is for certain, her role in Mean Girls will not save her from being on the Chris Foukas Tool Bag list.
9. Ben Roethlisberger - QB Pittsburgh Steelers
The man has more rape allegations against him than playoff victories in the last year, let's just say that's a losing record I wouldn't want on my side. Look, I understand you are a "celebrity athlete" but when two chicks in the same year come out and say "Hey Big Ben assaulted me," I don't care who you are. If I wasn't only 5'10" I'd like to slap Roethlismolestor right in the face.
8. Phil Jackson - Los Angeles Lakers Coach
How dare the man that walks on stilts criticize other players from teams. This makes him the biggest hypocrite of all time. You have the biggest flopper (Derek Fisher) on your team, the player in the NBA that get's the most calls (Kobe Bryant) and the best look alike for a camel (Pau Gasol.) Phil let's be honest, you've coached Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O'Neal, Scottie Pippen, and you have won 11 rings. My 83 year old grandma could sit on the sideline, pretend to shout stuff at the players and take credit. The only thing you should take credit for is being a d-bag.
7. Jake Pavelka - The Bachelor from last season
Oh boy, this guy made it into my tool bag list by going on a late season run. Besides looking like one of the band members from N'SYNC, the guy has tool bag written all over his forehead. The guy treats women like excrement and basically humiliates them on live television. The little time I've spent watching the Bachelor but I did catch the "Reunion Show." (Note: It should have been tapped the Most Awkward Show for the next 20 Minutes.) Remind me to never fly the airline that Jake Pavelka pilots, tool bags can't fly that well.
6. Hillary Clinton - Secretary of State of what used to be the United States
Ah the Clinton's are at it again. From busy pants dropping Bill to hypocritical Hillary it seems we do the circles. Hillary was quoted as ripping rich people for not giving their fair share back to the country and that they need to spend their money other ways. Ok, so Chelsea Clinton just got married correct? Last time I checked the wedding cost the Clinton's around 3 million dollars. And on that list of wedding necessitates for the bride, $15,000 in toilets. That's one expensive deuce dropping at a wedding. Yes the rich are spending money on stupid things but crazy liberals can spend $15,000 on toilets for a wedding. Did I miss something here? Congrats Hillary, you cracked the top 10. In regards to Chelsea Clinton, let me quote the late great Rodney Dangerfield, "Last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it."
5. LeBron James - Villain to the City of Cleveland & Miami Heat forward
Let me first say that I'm excited to watch the Miami Heat this year. Let's be honest though, LeBron waived the white flag. It would have been quicker for him to come out and say "Look I can't win a title on my own, I'm going to Miami." The Decision was ridiculous. He went on live T.V. and dumped the city of Cleveland. He could have just flipped them off, I probably would have done the same thing. Can you imagine dating a chick for 7 years, going on live T.V., and saying "hey it's been real but I found someone else that makes me happy." I feel for the city of Cleveland but let's be honest, no one wants to play in Cleveland. Michael Jordan said it perfect, "I wouldn't call Larry, Magic, and Isiah to tell them to come play with me." Translation: LeBron, untuck your bee bee's from between your legs and get it done in Cleveland. One thing we do know is the LeBron is the next Jordan convo is a done deal.
4. Tony Hayward - Former British Petroleum CEO
This guy is incredible. Not only was he in charge of the company that is responsible for the biggest oil spill in the world's history but he was cruising around on his yacht after the accident. That's like me spilling milk on the floor and telling my wife to clean it up while I go play golf with my friends. Gee, who could have seen it coming that he would all of a sudden step down from BP after a few months of the accident.
3. Spencer Pratt - Reality TV Star from The Hills (One of the greatest shows ever)
This Ike Tingey look like started creeping up my top 10 list within the last few months with his psycho antics stemming from this season of The Hills. When you start going to crystals for mental power and control, it's time to put down the devil's lettuce. Now that he and Heidi "My boobs require permits" Montag split, it's only a matter of time before he just goes ape on someone. The guy is a loser, he 86'd all of his friends, all of Heidi's friends hate him, and he basically told his sister to drive herself off a cliff. The guy has a lot going for him, I'm smelling a 15 year prison sentence for assault on a little old lady asking to look at his crystal.
2. Tiger Woods - Professional Golfer / Porn Star
Unfortunately I hate to put Tiger Woods here but for what he did to his wife, he makes the tool bag list of Chris Foukas. For a guy that got more ass than a toilet seat, it sure didn't effect his golf game until now. Tiger was really the last of the good guys, the guy that always kept his private life private. Now all of his privates are out in the open. I honestly do feel bad for the guy, but I feel worse for his wife Elin and the 100 million she'll get from Tiger. Sorry Tiger, I still cheer for you on the golf course but you do make the tool bag list.
1. Entire Cast Of Jersey Shore
Three things I never want to hear in the middle of a sentence are Vinnie, Donnie, and Snookie. Can you honestly tell me you haven't met a bigger group of tools? How did these guys get so famous? I thought the Zach Morris slick back hair with the under part shaved was out of style? I thought the Miami Vice look where you wear sport coats with nothing underneath was out of style as well? I'm ashamed that Snookie can probably out bench me and do more squats than me, however, I don't feel ashamed that I can hand the ball off to her on a fourth and one to get a first down. Ok that was a little harsh but you get my point. The Jersey Shore boys win my award for best looking New Kids on the Block 2010. Nice fist pump dance guys and a guy that calls himself "The Situation" should be kicked in the nads. They also are taking home the 2010 #1 spot on the Chris Foukas biggest tool bag list.
Honorable Mentions : Barack Obama (out of fear that he's probably reading this and will send out a hit), Ozzie Guillen, Brody Jenner, Scott (Kourtney Kardashian's husband)
Monday, July 12, 2010
NFL Preview from the - AFC West - On Target Predictions
Now that the LeBachelor is over, can anybody smell fresh cut turf in the air? I think football season is right around the corner and who in their right mind couldn't be excited. With the Jazz as quiet as the Germans on Victory Day in WWII I turn my mindset to football season. I've come to the conclusion that the Jazz just don't have the you know what to pull off a big deal so it's best to block that part of my life out at the moment (That was written at 6 p.m. yesterday, hello AL JEFFERSON!.)
Now this portion of the NFL Preview just concentrates on the AFC West. Kansas City Chiefs, Denver "America's Real Team" Broncos, the Al Davis Zombies or the Oakland Raiders, and the San Diego Chargers featuring DB of the year Philip Rivers. If you read the above passage about the Broncos and thought "Chris must be a Broncos fan," than you just received two points. With that being said, the Broncos aren't the best team in their division. If you continue reading below you will see what my predictions are for the AFC West are for this season. If you have stopped reading, well then to hell with you.
1. San Diego Chargers - 10 -6 - 1st Place
I can't think of a man I hate more than Philip "My throwing motion is a seizure" Rivers but he is the best quarterback in the AFC West. With that said, that isn't saying much when you are up against Matt Cassel, Kyle "I drink a 5th of scotch a day for breakfast" Orton, and Jason Campbell. The Charges let LaDanian Tomlinson walk in the off-season, and it was a smart move. He's up there in age, his stats are deteriorating and he already has a Jets tattoo on his leg. Even though Jamal Williams missed most of last season due to a season ending injury, I think the Chargers will miss that presence in the middle more than they know. I was shocked to see them trade Antonio Cromartie and now Shawne Merriman is also holding out. With that being said, the Chargers seem to find a way to start slow and then at the right time turn it on. I think Darren Sproles will have a solid year if he can stay healthy. At 5'6" and not able to ride all of the rides at Disneyland, it could take a vicious toll on the running back. I am interested to see how their rookie from Fresno St Ryan Matthews pans out, he could be a steal. Vincent Jackson could also be a distraction if he isn't signed or moved before the season starts. I expect the Chargers to win the division this year, and this will be the most painful think you'll ever hear me admit. It's like sticking a knife in my side Rambo style.
2. Denver Broncos - 8-8 - 2nd Place
The Broncos didn't do themselves any favors by trading probably the best wide receiver in football in Brandon Marshall to the Miami Dolphins but we all know Josh McDaniels is preaching team. They released Andra Davis with a handful of other defensive players in a move to get younger on that side of the ball. Champ Bailey definitely isn't what he used to be and Brian Dawkins is a year older but shows he can still knock people's heads off. Picking up Jamal Williams to stop the run will be huge if he can stay healthy. Offensively we've seem some new additions. Demaryius Thomas is going to have to have a huge year and when I mean huge I mean as big as Kirstie Alley's rear end. An Amber Alert was issued for Eddie Royal and it appears he is still on the team so as well will have to have a huge year. I said McDaniels will make an impact in his 3rd year and I'm sticking by hit. Denver will compete for the division will fall off towards the latter part of the year and will miss the playoffs.
3. Kansas City Chiefs - 6-10 - 3rd Place
I really do like the decision the Chiefs are going and it's in the opposite direction of Charlie Weis belt size (yes readers are saying you have no room to talk.) I think Matt Casel will be a good solid quarterback, he won't lose you games but he's not the type that will go out and win you games. Larry "The Cancer" Johnson is no longer there and it's the Jamal Charles show. Hopefully Dwayne Bowe will not be suspended for games this year because other wise, there offense could be really good. It's all about the Chiefs defense. If they can somehow figure out how to stop a nose bleed than they could be the darkhorse but I still feel they are two years away from contention. Got to like what Todd Haley is doing at Arrowhead though.
4. Oakland Raiders - 4-12 - 4th Place
The Al Davis Zombie's quite possible could be the worst sports franchise in the past 10 years other than the Pittsburgh Pirates. With the roster moves they made this year it doesn't appear it isn't likely to change this year. I do like the move they made at quarterback bringing in Jason Campbell and getting rid of the spokesman for Popeyes Chicken in Jamarcus Russell. (Note: JaMarcus Russell will go down as the biggest draft bust in the history of the NFL and he does have the biggest bust size as well.) The Raiders draft picks have notably been bad (See Darius Heyword Bey) but this year I like the Rolando McClain draft pick. He is somebody that will come in right away make the defense better. Nnamdi Asomugha is still the best kept secret in the league. I'd give my left arm to have him trade places with Champ Bailey. The Raiders still don't have enough weapons and their quarterback Campbell will have some up and downs this year. Look for them to be competitve though.
The AFC West will shape up as a tight race at first with the Chargers winning the division and them getting blown out in the playoffs is usual. It's like Groundhogs Day all over again.
Now this portion of the NFL Preview just concentrates on the AFC West. Kansas City Chiefs, Denver "America's Real Team" Broncos, the Al Davis Zombies or the Oakland Raiders, and the San Diego Chargers featuring DB of the year Philip Rivers. If you read the above passage about the Broncos and thought "Chris must be a Broncos fan," than you just received two points. With that being said, the Broncos aren't the best team in their division. If you continue reading below you will see what my predictions are for the AFC West are for this season. If you have stopped reading, well then to hell with you.
1. San Diego Chargers - 10 -6 - 1st Place
I can't think of a man I hate more than Philip "My throwing motion is a seizure" Rivers but he is the best quarterback in the AFC West. With that said, that isn't saying much when you are up against Matt Cassel, Kyle "I drink a 5th of scotch a day for breakfast" Orton, and Jason Campbell. The Charges let LaDanian Tomlinson walk in the off-season, and it was a smart move. He's up there in age, his stats are deteriorating and he already has a Jets tattoo on his leg. Even though Jamal Williams missed most of last season due to a season ending injury, I think the Chargers will miss that presence in the middle more than they know. I was shocked to see them trade Antonio Cromartie and now Shawne Merriman is also holding out. With that being said, the Chargers seem to find a way to start slow and then at the right time turn it on. I think Darren Sproles will have a solid year if he can stay healthy. At 5'6" and not able to ride all of the rides at Disneyland, it could take a vicious toll on the running back. I am interested to see how their rookie from Fresno St Ryan Matthews pans out, he could be a steal. Vincent Jackson could also be a distraction if he isn't signed or moved before the season starts. I expect the Chargers to win the division this year, and this will be the most painful think you'll ever hear me admit. It's like sticking a knife in my side Rambo style.
2. Denver Broncos - 8-8 - 2nd Place
The Broncos didn't do themselves any favors by trading probably the best wide receiver in football in Brandon Marshall to the Miami Dolphins but we all know Josh McDaniels is preaching team. They released Andra Davis with a handful of other defensive players in a move to get younger on that side of the ball. Champ Bailey definitely isn't what he used to be and Brian Dawkins is a year older but shows he can still knock people's heads off. Picking up Jamal Williams to stop the run will be huge if he can stay healthy. Offensively we've seem some new additions. Demaryius Thomas is going to have to have a huge year and when I mean huge I mean as big as Kirstie Alley's rear end. An Amber Alert was issued for Eddie Royal and it appears he is still on the team so as well will have to have a huge year. I said McDaniels will make an impact in his 3rd year and I'm sticking by hit. Denver will compete for the division will fall off towards the latter part of the year and will miss the playoffs.
3. Kansas City Chiefs - 6-10 - 3rd Place
I really do like the decision the Chiefs are going and it's in the opposite direction of Charlie Weis belt size (yes readers are saying you have no room to talk.) I think Matt Casel will be a good solid quarterback, he won't lose you games but he's not the type that will go out and win you games. Larry "The Cancer" Johnson is no longer there and it's the Jamal Charles show. Hopefully Dwayne Bowe will not be suspended for games this year because other wise, there offense could be really good. It's all about the Chiefs defense. If they can somehow figure out how to stop a nose bleed than they could be the darkhorse but I still feel they are two years away from contention. Got to like what Todd Haley is doing at Arrowhead though.
4. Oakland Raiders - 4-12 - 4th Place
The Al Davis Zombie's quite possible could be the worst sports franchise in the past 10 years other than the Pittsburgh Pirates. With the roster moves they made this year it doesn't appear it isn't likely to change this year. I do like the move they made at quarterback bringing in Jason Campbell and getting rid of the spokesman for Popeyes Chicken in Jamarcus Russell. (Note: JaMarcus Russell will go down as the biggest draft bust in the history of the NFL and he does have the biggest bust size as well.) The Raiders draft picks have notably been bad (See Darius Heyword Bey) but this year I like the Rolando McClain draft pick. He is somebody that will come in right away make the defense better. Nnamdi Asomugha is still the best kept secret in the league. I'd give my left arm to have him trade places with Champ Bailey. The Raiders still don't have enough weapons and their quarterback Campbell will have some up and downs this year. Look for them to be competitve though.
The AFC West will shape up as a tight race at first with the Chargers winning the division and them getting blown out in the playoffs is usual. It's like Groundhogs Day all over again.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Free Agents - Winners & Losers - And Who got screwed
At about 3 this afternoon I was sitting in a training class for work and found out through Twitter that Carlos Boozer would be signing a 5 year deal worth 80 million dollars with the Chicago Bulls. I won't lie, I about shat myself while in that class. An immediate thought was "Who in their right mind would pay Carlos "Swinging Door" Boozer 16 million a year?" How about a franchise that missed out on Wade, Bosh, Stoudemire, and possibly LeBron? This is a disaster signing for Chicago, in 3 years mark my words, the Bulls will be shopping Boozer's contract. He's 28, he's already missed almost 30% of the games he's played in, and tell me a power forward that has gotten better and healthy after age 30? Smart move by the Utah Jazz by not signing Boozer, the Paul Millsap era begins in Salt Lake City.
Another thought popped into my head, if you were a GM of an NBA team right now, who are max players that you'd throw money at to entice to come? Let's go through different level of players that deserve max money, some who deserve under the max, and some who are just flat out overpaid.
Tier 1 - I'll sell my house, soul, mortgage, wife, kids, & be your slave to come here!
LeBron James - The most exciting player to enter the league in the past 20 years, hell even 30 years. He throws down dunks that leave fans crapping in their huggies, the ultimate teammate, and did I mention he's only 26? If he develops a killer attitude, polishes his jump shot, and we could be having the conversation of being one of the greatest of all-time.
Dwayne Wade - A proven winner who plays for a franchise that basically gave him a broke down Jermaine O'Neal, a rehab specialist in Michael Beasley, Helen Keller, Stephen Hawking, and Dwayne Wade as a starting lineup. Anytime you are kicking the ball out to Chris Quinn and Mario Chalmers for 3 you have serious issues. The funny thing is that he lead the Miami Heat to a 5th seed in the playoffs losing to the Boston Celtics. Add Chris Bosh to this mix, a couple of sharp shooters, a true point guard, and the Miami Heat are a legit contender next year. Oh and one more thing, LeBron doesn't announce his decision until tomorrow, what if he signs with Miami? Excuse while I run and change my pants.
Kevin Durant - Durant acknowledged today that he signed an extension for 5 years 86 million dollars and the kid is worth every penny. The youngest scoring champion since MJ is seriously lethal from anywhere on the floor and is one of the most underrated defenders in the league. Can you imagine if the Portland Trailblazers took Durant over Greg Oden and his personal porn image? Andre Miller, Brandon Roy, Kevin Durant, Lamarcus Aldridge, and myself and we'd be pushing 60 games. Scary, thank heavens the Trailblazers are like the Oakland Raiders.
Kobe Bryant (Signed extension) - At 33, Kobe is still the best player in the NBA. He and Wade are the only two players that if they smell blood they will gouge you. As you saw this year, when Kobe is rested and healthy, he still dominates. The best player in the world since MJ retired. I know he went 6 for 24 in the NBA finals but he's also one of the best defenders in the league.
Dwight Howard (Not a FA) - This was a stretch for me but Dwight Howard changes a game so much. If Howard finds a way to polish his offensive skills, we could be looking at one of the best NBA players to play the game. He blocks shots, has shoulders the size of a Peterbuilt Diesel, he doesn't cuss, and he dunks over people. Mark my words, if this kid gets polished offensively, he will dominate, and I mean DOMINATE!
Carmelo Anthony - The best pure scorer in the NBA right now. He either punishes you on the block or takes you out on the perimeter with his money mid-range jumper. Only downfall about Carmelo is A.) He loves weed B.) He his a head case. You get those two issues out of the way and I'd take Carmelo any day of the week and twice on Sunday. He has an extension waiting from the Nuggets for 65 million over 3 years.
Tier 2 - OK, we like what you bring to the table, but why do you deserve this much?
Chris Bosh - So the big question is what has Chris Bosh won to deserve max money? He doesn't deserve max money but he got it anyways from the Miami Heat. He has a losing record in the NBA and has shown that he can't carry a team. He'll match up perfectly with Dwayne Wade where he will be the Robin which is exactly his role. Only problem is I don't think you should pay Robin 16 million a year. Miami was desperate to keep Wade though.
Joe Johnson - 119 million over 6 years for getting your team to the playoffs and being swept gets you this payday. Don't get me wrong, I love Joe Johnson, one of my favorite players in the league, but 119 million? Do you understand how many Jr Bacon Cheeseburgers that is from Wendy's? No way is Joe Johnson worth 119 million but like Miami, Atlanta was desperate. I was thinking more along the lines of 6 year 96 million was better or even 6 years 92 million. But 119 million? In 4 years when he's 32 and starts slowing down there will be Atlanta fans doing ecstasy, cocaine, and screwdrivers. You think the Michael Vick thing was bad, you just wait.
Dirk Nowitzki - He's in the same category as Chris Bosh. He needs someone else to help him win. We've seen his choke jobs in Dallas, his drunk picture with Steve Nash, and him call out Dwayne Wade by saying "Dallas gave the finals away to Miami." Actually Dirk, you gave the finals away, member those two free throws you missed to ice the game? Ouch.
Paul Pierce - The difference between Pierce and other listed here is that he's won a title. But he also had a supporting cast to surround him. Kicking the ball out to Ray Allen for 3 is not like kicking the ball out to Jose Calderon. You may as well kick it out to me for three because I'm just lethal. You can't deny Pierce though, he does have a title.
Tier 3 - Ok, you bent us over the counter, we are stuck with you for 5 years.
Amare Stoudemire - Eye injury, microfracture surgery, and a bad attitude usually gets you nowhere. If you are Amare Stoudemire, it gets you a 5 year deal worth 100 million dollars. (Just a sec while we get Knicks fans to put down the Jack Daniels.) I feel bad for the Knicks, dealing with the Isiah Thomas debacle just crippled their franchise and just made another bad move. Amare is 27 and power forwards don't get better after 30 but you are stuck paying the guy 20 million a year. Can anyone say Jermaine O'Neal, Kevin Garnett territory? I can. Here's how that convo went down with the Knicks and Amare.
Knicks : Ok Amare if you can go ahead and sign on the X here. This guarantees you 100 million over the next 5 years. And once you are done signing here, I'm going to go ahead and spread my legs so you can kick me in the balls.
Amare : Happily!
Carlos Boozer - He's missed 30% of his games the last 6 seasons, he disappears in all but one big game, (Game 7 of 2007 playoffs vs Houston) he sits out big games, is a selfish player and is nicknamed by my good friend Jeff Jensen as Carlos "Swinging Door" Boozer but got 16 mil a year. The Bulls were desperate to show LeBron that they've added talent to entice him to Chicago. Like Amare, Boozer is 28, and power forwards don't get better after 30. So a guy that's already missed 30% of his games in his mid-20's is all of a sudden going to stay healthy starting in his 30's? That's about as funny as Obama spending the stimulus money on abandoned bridges in Alabama.
I'm OK with the Jazz letting Boozer walk. They potentially just rid themselves of a terrible contract for a power forward heading for the down part of his career and doesn't play any sort of defense.
Let the Paul Millsap era begin in Salt Lake City!
Another thought popped into my head, if you were a GM of an NBA team right now, who are max players that you'd throw money at to entice to come? Let's go through different level of players that deserve max money, some who deserve under the max, and some who are just flat out overpaid.
Tier 1 - I'll sell my house, soul, mortgage, wife, kids, & be your slave to come here!
LeBron James - The most exciting player to enter the league in the past 20 years, hell even 30 years. He throws down dunks that leave fans crapping in their huggies, the ultimate teammate, and did I mention he's only 26? If he develops a killer attitude, polishes his jump shot, and we could be having the conversation of being one of the greatest of all-time.
Dwayne Wade - A proven winner who plays for a franchise that basically gave him a broke down Jermaine O'Neal, a rehab specialist in Michael Beasley, Helen Keller, Stephen Hawking, and Dwayne Wade as a starting lineup. Anytime you are kicking the ball out to Chris Quinn and Mario Chalmers for 3 you have serious issues. The funny thing is that he lead the Miami Heat to a 5th seed in the playoffs losing to the Boston Celtics. Add Chris Bosh to this mix, a couple of sharp shooters, a true point guard, and the Miami Heat are a legit contender next year. Oh and one more thing, LeBron doesn't announce his decision until tomorrow, what if he signs with Miami? Excuse while I run and change my pants.
Kevin Durant - Durant acknowledged today that he signed an extension for 5 years 86 million dollars and the kid is worth every penny. The youngest scoring champion since MJ is seriously lethal from anywhere on the floor and is one of the most underrated defenders in the league. Can you imagine if the Portland Trailblazers took Durant over Greg Oden and his personal porn image? Andre Miller, Brandon Roy, Kevin Durant, Lamarcus Aldridge, and myself and we'd be pushing 60 games. Scary, thank heavens the Trailblazers are like the Oakland Raiders.
Kobe Bryant (Signed extension) - At 33, Kobe is still the best player in the NBA. He and Wade are the only two players that if they smell blood they will gouge you. As you saw this year, when Kobe is rested and healthy, he still dominates. The best player in the world since MJ retired. I know he went 6 for 24 in the NBA finals but he's also one of the best defenders in the league.
Dwight Howard (Not a FA) - This was a stretch for me but Dwight Howard changes a game so much. If Howard finds a way to polish his offensive skills, we could be looking at one of the best NBA players to play the game. He blocks shots, has shoulders the size of a Peterbuilt Diesel, he doesn't cuss, and he dunks over people. Mark my words, if this kid gets polished offensively, he will dominate, and I mean DOMINATE!
Carmelo Anthony - The best pure scorer in the NBA right now. He either punishes you on the block or takes you out on the perimeter with his money mid-range jumper. Only downfall about Carmelo is A.) He loves weed B.) He his a head case. You get those two issues out of the way and I'd take Carmelo any day of the week and twice on Sunday. He has an extension waiting from the Nuggets for 65 million over 3 years.
Tier 2 - OK, we like what you bring to the table, but why do you deserve this much?
Chris Bosh - So the big question is what has Chris Bosh won to deserve max money? He doesn't deserve max money but he got it anyways from the Miami Heat. He has a losing record in the NBA and has shown that he can't carry a team. He'll match up perfectly with Dwayne Wade where he will be the Robin which is exactly his role. Only problem is I don't think you should pay Robin 16 million a year. Miami was desperate to keep Wade though.
Joe Johnson - 119 million over 6 years for getting your team to the playoffs and being swept gets you this payday. Don't get me wrong, I love Joe Johnson, one of my favorite players in the league, but 119 million? Do you understand how many Jr Bacon Cheeseburgers that is from Wendy's? No way is Joe Johnson worth 119 million but like Miami, Atlanta was desperate. I was thinking more along the lines of 6 year 96 million was better or even 6 years 92 million. But 119 million? In 4 years when he's 32 and starts slowing down there will be Atlanta fans doing ecstasy, cocaine, and screwdrivers. You think the Michael Vick thing was bad, you just wait.
Dirk Nowitzki - He's in the same category as Chris Bosh. He needs someone else to help him win. We've seen his choke jobs in Dallas, his drunk picture with Steve Nash, and him call out Dwayne Wade by saying "Dallas gave the finals away to Miami." Actually Dirk, you gave the finals away, member those two free throws you missed to ice the game? Ouch.
Paul Pierce - The difference between Pierce and other listed here is that he's won a title. But he also had a supporting cast to surround him. Kicking the ball out to Ray Allen for 3 is not like kicking the ball out to Jose Calderon. You may as well kick it out to me for three because I'm just lethal. You can't deny Pierce though, he does have a title.
Tier 3 - Ok, you bent us over the counter, we are stuck with you for 5 years.
Amare Stoudemire - Eye injury, microfracture surgery, and a bad attitude usually gets you nowhere. If you are Amare Stoudemire, it gets you a 5 year deal worth 100 million dollars. (Just a sec while we get Knicks fans to put down the Jack Daniels.) I feel bad for the Knicks, dealing with the Isiah Thomas debacle just crippled their franchise and just made another bad move. Amare is 27 and power forwards don't get better after 30 but you are stuck paying the guy 20 million a year. Can anyone say Jermaine O'Neal, Kevin Garnett territory? I can. Here's how that convo went down with the Knicks and Amare.
Knicks : Ok Amare if you can go ahead and sign on the X here. This guarantees you 100 million over the next 5 years. And once you are done signing here, I'm going to go ahead and spread my legs so you can kick me in the balls.
Amare : Happily!
Carlos Boozer - He's missed 30% of his games the last 6 seasons, he disappears in all but one big game, (Game 7 of 2007 playoffs vs Houston) he sits out big games, is a selfish player and is nicknamed by my good friend Jeff Jensen as Carlos "Swinging Door" Boozer but got 16 mil a year. The Bulls were desperate to show LeBron that they've added talent to entice him to Chicago. Like Amare, Boozer is 28, and power forwards don't get better after 30. So a guy that's already missed 30% of his games in his mid-20's is all of a sudden going to stay healthy starting in his 30's? That's about as funny as Obama spending the stimulus money on abandoned bridges in Alabama.
I'm OK with the Jazz letting Boozer walk. They potentially just rid themselves of a terrible contract for a power forward heading for the down part of his career and doesn't play any sort of defense.
Let the Paul Millsap era begin in Salt Lake City!
Monday, June 28, 2010
NBA Draft Review and Free Agency Predictions
First I need to give a shout out to my fellow blogger Randall Gary Sargent and his wife Madison on being pregnant with their first child. Couldn't be happier for two people, wish I could say the same for the Jazz's draft pick last Thursday, I feel quite the opposite.
I THINK WE NEEDED A BIG, BUT I COULD BE WRONG
Ok, I think I'm dreaming, the Jazz just drafted the kid off the front of Mad Magazine. Do I think Hayward is NBA ready? No, he's a mix between Ike Tingey and well Ike Tingey. He's tall, lanky, white, slow, and not polished. Just exactly what the Jazz needed. We could look at it this way : 1.) We can say goodbye to Kyle Korver, who is our best shooter. 2.) This means the Jazz could be aggressively trying to shop Andrei Kirilenko (Maybe Stalin who just bought the Nets would be a taker.) 3.) The worst player to ever put on Jazz uniform (C.J. Miles) will start next year with Hayward having to share minutes. Do I think the Jazz took the best player on the board? Right now, yes. But that doesn't fill our needs. As a team that will be lacking size when Carlos Boozer bolts in free agency, we still lack length, and we just punched our ticket to a first round loss in the playoffs, if we make the playoffs. I bet Deron Williams is thrilled with this pick, as he pours himself a screwdriver every morning. So let's say I own a mini van, and I drive to the dealership and buy another mini van. So now I have two mini vans. I pull up in the driveway with my wife expecting me to have a different car picked out. "Look what I got honey! A Brand new 2011 mini van." She replies, "Sweetheart we already have one." "Babe but now we have two mini vans!." "Hey Chris, can you check the back tire for me? It looks a little low." As I put my head behind the tire, she immediately throws it in reverse. That's honestly the dialogue that Jazz management has in the war room. "Let's take Hayward." "Kevin, we already have a log jam at the 3." "But he's white, lanky, slow, and can barely shoot, we need more of these guys." "Ok, pull the trigger." Sigh, another long year for the Jazz.
THIS SUMMER WILL BE OFF THE HOOK
The only thing better than the free agency frenzy is Katy Perry's California Girls song, it's probably the best Summer tune of all time. You know college kids down in Cancun are getting absolutely sauced while listening to this song and partying, not that I have any idea how that works..... but anyways, back to my predictions. So where is everybody ending up when it's all said in done? This is about as tough to predict as the Simpson's "Who shot Mr Burns" contest that ran in the mid-90's. I had Waylon Smithers down, who would have though Maggie Simpson? Anyways, let's run down the list and why they are heading there.
LeBron James - Ok, so middle of the year LeBron comes out and says "I'm changing my number to 6, this is MJ's number." That there raises flags. Why not change it when you were 2 or 3 years into the league? You are now just realizing that you will never be on MJ's level? LeBron's going to Chicago.
Let's narrow down his choices:
New York Knicks - The Knicks have the ability to sign another max player other than LeBron but their team just isn't great. Nobody should ever have to kick the ball out to Chris Duhon for three. Eddie House maybe. You may as well kick it out to Helen Keller for 3 because it ain't going in.
Miami Heat - The Heat have the luxury of signing two max players besides Dwayne Wade. So maybe Chris Bosh, LeBron James, and Dwayne Wade. I smell 2003 Dallas Mavericks all over that, too many superstars. The year Dallas started Nash, Jamison, Antoine Walker God help us), Dirk Nowitzki, and Michael Finley (the black look a like of Todd Boucher). Wade and James couldn't co-exist, they both need the ball in their hands at all times. The team would be scary good, but none of the superstars will give up handling the rock.
Chicago Bulls - They get one more luxury player besides LeBron which would most likely be Chris Bosh. Let's look at this lineup. Rose, a kid in a wheelchair, James, Bosh, Noah with Luol Deng coming off the bench with Taj Gibson. That team is winning 60 plus games.
So out of those three teams, who has the more attractive roster and the chance to win rings? Chicago, book it, he's signing with the Bulls.
Dwayne Wade - Unlike James, Wade isn't looking to move anywhere. He's always said that his heart is in Miami, kind of like Forrest always belonged with Jenny. (Anyone that argues that Forrest Gump isn't Tom Hanks' best movie should immediately be kicked between the legs.) Wade needs help though. I think Bosh, Boozer, or Amare could end up there. I think most likely Boozer ends up there with the help of one other max player. Wade stays in Miami and keeps the party rolling on South Beach.
Carlos Boozer - If the Jazz resign Carlos Boozer, I will drive to Kevin O'Connor's house, light a bag of poop on his door step, and run. Boozer will be a 14-16 million dollar mistake for the next 4 years. It's like me going to buy a treadmill at Sports Authority, I'll just waste 300 bucks on something I'll never get use out of. I'm looking forward to watching another team having Nene Hilario, Andray Blatche, Jimmy Dolan from "The Air Up There," and Erick Dampier light up Carlos Boozer. With that being said, I think Boozer winds up where he's always wanted to be, Miami. He has a home there, his son can live there without any issues (Oh Boy, it's Derek Fisher all over again.), and his wife can shop at Dash with Kourtney Kardashian. Say hello to South Beach Carlos, don't let the door hit you on the way out.
Amare Stoudemire - The second worst defender in the league behind Carlos Boozer, who will undoubtedly dupe some team into giving him a max contract. The team that will be roofied by Amare? The New York Knicks. Where else could Amare go, put up great offensive numbers and not play a lick of defense? That's right, with Mike D'Antonio and the New York Knicks. Amare is like another Boozer, he wants to be the guy and he wants to be paid like the guy. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan, she thinks she's a great actor, a role model for society when she's really a walking time bomb. Welcome to the Big Apple Amare, you'll be lucky to win 40 games but you'll be singing Jay Z's, "let's hear it for New York," while your playing.
Joe Johnson - Word around town is that Joe Johnson would take less money to play back under Mike D'Antoni in New York. If he ends up in New York, it might not be a solid squad if they could sign 2 of 3 other solid players. I don't think Joe Johnson is a max player, he disappeared in the playoffs quicker than BP's CEO when the oil spill happened. Johnson reunites with D'Antonio and Amare in New York where they will be the 4 or 5th best team in the east if they sing some other solid players.
Dirk Nowitzki - So Dirk is opting out, does anyone really think he is going anywhere? You know D-bag Cuban will throw a bunch of cash at Dirk to say. Besides, I think with a few roster tweaks, the Mavericks could be pretty filthy next year. They didn't have a ton of time to gel, give them one full season and they'll be in good shape.
Chris Bosh - One thing is for certain, there is no way in hell he's going back to Toronto. Hedo Turkoglu has already said he's out and after that, the pantry is bare bones. Bosh isn't a guy that can carry a team by himself, he needs another new superstar by him. I think he follows LeBron to Chicago. Chiacago and Orlando will fight over the top two seeds in the east with Miami being in third.
It appears the Summer is just starting. Sit back, grab a drink, and enjoy the free agent frenzy!
I THINK WE NEEDED A BIG, BUT I COULD BE WRONG
Ok, I think I'm dreaming, the Jazz just drafted the kid off the front of Mad Magazine. Do I think Hayward is NBA ready? No, he's a mix between Ike Tingey and well Ike Tingey. He's tall, lanky, white, slow, and not polished. Just exactly what the Jazz needed. We could look at it this way : 1.) We can say goodbye to Kyle Korver, who is our best shooter. 2.) This means the Jazz could be aggressively trying to shop Andrei Kirilenko (Maybe Stalin who just bought the Nets would be a taker.) 3.) The worst player to ever put on Jazz uniform (C.J. Miles) will start next year with Hayward having to share minutes. Do I think the Jazz took the best player on the board? Right now, yes. But that doesn't fill our needs. As a team that will be lacking size when Carlos Boozer bolts in free agency, we still lack length, and we just punched our ticket to a first round loss in the playoffs, if we make the playoffs. I bet Deron Williams is thrilled with this pick, as he pours himself a screwdriver every morning. So let's say I own a mini van, and I drive to the dealership and buy another mini van. So now I have two mini vans. I pull up in the driveway with my wife expecting me to have a different car picked out. "Look what I got honey! A Brand new 2011 mini van." She replies, "Sweetheart we already have one." "Babe but now we have two mini vans!." "Hey Chris, can you check the back tire for me? It looks a little low." As I put my head behind the tire, she immediately throws it in reverse. That's honestly the dialogue that Jazz management has in the war room. "Let's take Hayward." "Kevin, we already have a log jam at the 3." "But he's white, lanky, slow, and can barely shoot, we need more of these guys." "Ok, pull the trigger." Sigh, another long year for the Jazz.
THIS SUMMER WILL BE OFF THE HOOK
The only thing better than the free agency frenzy is Katy Perry's California Girls song, it's probably the best Summer tune of all time. You know college kids down in Cancun are getting absolutely sauced while listening to this song and partying, not that I have any idea how that works..... but anyways, back to my predictions. So where is everybody ending up when it's all said in done? This is about as tough to predict as the Simpson's "Who shot Mr Burns" contest that ran in the mid-90's. I had Waylon Smithers down, who would have though Maggie Simpson? Anyways, let's run down the list and why they are heading there.
LeBron James - Ok, so middle of the year LeBron comes out and says "I'm changing my number to 6, this is MJ's number." That there raises flags. Why not change it when you were 2 or 3 years into the league? You are now just realizing that you will never be on MJ's level? LeBron's going to Chicago.
Let's narrow down his choices:
New York Knicks - The Knicks have the ability to sign another max player other than LeBron but their team just isn't great. Nobody should ever have to kick the ball out to Chris Duhon for three. Eddie House maybe. You may as well kick it out to Helen Keller for 3 because it ain't going in.
Miami Heat - The Heat have the luxury of signing two max players besides Dwayne Wade. So maybe Chris Bosh, LeBron James, and Dwayne Wade. I smell 2003 Dallas Mavericks all over that, too many superstars. The year Dallas started Nash, Jamison, Antoine Walker God help us), Dirk Nowitzki, and Michael Finley (the black look a like of Todd Boucher). Wade and James couldn't co-exist, they both need the ball in their hands at all times. The team would be scary good, but none of the superstars will give up handling the rock.
Chicago Bulls - They get one more luxury player besides LeBron which would most likely be Chris Bosh. Let's look at this lineup. Rose, a kid in a wheelchair, James, Bosh, Noah with Luol Deng coming off the bench with Taj Gibson. That team is winning 60 plus games.
So out of those three teams, who has the more attractive roster and the chance to win rings? Chicago, book it, he's signing with the Bulls.
Dwayne Wade - Unlike James, Wade isn't looking to move anywhere. He's always said that his heart is in Miami, kind of like Forrest always belonged with Jenny. (Anyone that argues that Forrest Gump isn't Tom Hanks' best movie should immediately be kicked between the legs.) Wade needs help though. I think Bosh, Boozer, or Amare could end up there. I think most likely Boozer ends up there with the help of one other max player. Wade stays in Miami and keeps the party rolling on South Beach.
Carlos Boozer - If the Jazz resign Carlos Boozer, I will drive to Kevin O'Connor's house, light a bag of poop on his door step, and run. Boozer will be a 14-16 million dollar mistake for the next 4 years. It's like me going to buy a treadmill at Sports Authority, I'll just waste 300 bucks on something I'll never get use out of. I'm looking forward to watching another team having Nene Hilario, Andray Blatche, Jimmy Dolan from "The Air Up There," and Erick Dampier light up Carlos Boozer. With that being said, I think Boozer winds up where he's always wanted to be, Miami. He has a home there, his son can live there without any issues (Oh Boy, it's Derek Fisher all over again.), and his wife can shop at Dash with Kourtney Kardashian. Say hello to South Beach Carlos, don't let the door hit you on the way out.
Amare Stoudemire - The second worst defender in the league behind Carlos Boozer, who will undoubtedly dupe some team into giving him a max contract. The team that will be roofied by Amare? The New York Knicks. Where else could Amare go, put up great offensive numbers and not play a lick of defense? That's right, with Mike D'Antonio and the New York Knicks. Amare is like another Boozer, he wants to be the guy and he wants to be paid like the guy. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan, she thinks she's a great actor, a role model for society when she's really a walking time bomb. Welcome to the Big Apple Amare, you'll be lucky to win 40 games but you'll be singing Jay Z's, "let's hear it for New York," while your playing.
Joe Johnson - Word around town is that Joe Johnson would take less money to play back under Mike D'Antoni in New York. If he ends up in New York, it might not be a solid squad if they could sign 2 of 3 other solid players. I don't think Joe Johnson is a max player, he disappeared in the playoffs quicker than BP's CEO when the oil spill happened. Johnson reunites with D'Antonio and Amare in New York where they will be the 4 or 5th best team in the east if they sing some other solid players.
Dirk Nowitzki - So Dirk is opting out, does anyone really think he is going anywhere? You know D-bag Cuban will throw a bunch of cash at Dirk to say. Besides, I think with a few roster tweaks, the Mavericks could be pretty filthy next year. They didn't have a ton of time to gel, give them one full season and they'll be in good shape.
Chris Bosh - One thing is for certain, there is no way in hell he's going back to Toronto. Hedo Turkoglu has already said he's out and after that, the pantry is bare bones. Bosh isn't a guy that can carry a team by himself, he needs another new superstar by him. I think he follows LeBron to Chicago. Chiacago and Orlando will fight over the top two seeds in the east with Miami being in third.
It appears the Summer is just starting. Sit back, grab a drink, and enjoy the free agent frenzy!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Pet Peeves of a Cell Phone Salesmen
Rand Sargent, Tyler Gapinski, Nate Herr, Asaad Salleh, and Jake Atwater can all attest to what I'm about to vent about. By the way, it feels like an eternity since the last time I've written a post about something else besides sports, but what can I say? Sports gets me going.
Now being a cell phone salesmen is definitely not the greatest gig in the world but I also can't complain. My wife and I live comfortably, I make a good living, and it puts a golf club in my hand once a week. Is it a career? Obviously not. Only problem is I graduated with a degree from Weber State University at a time when our President is more worried about where LeBron James is going to play next year than trying to fix the economy. Wait, President Obama is trying to fix the economy. He's approving stimulus bills to fix broken bridges in cities in Alabama that have a population of six people. Our tax dollars at work.
Most of the customers I deal with about 95% of the time have their heads on straight and they are the coolest people. The other 5%, let's just say they make Anna Nicole Smith look like Sarah Palin. Customers like Tanya Waters, Teya Wilson, Courtney Pitcher, and Scott Lewis all make the job easier. But it's customer's that don't realize we are in 2010 and that Huey Lewis and the News are no longer touring. So with that being said, top 5 pet peeves of a cell phone salesmen from Chris Foukas' point of view. The others listed above may have different opinions on some.
1. "Ok I'll look up your account, what's your phone number?"
I deal with this almost two or three times a week. A customer will come in complaining about her phone not being able to do her laundry and wants me to fix it. So I ask "Ok what's your phone number?" Their reply, "Hell I don't know my number, you find it for me, I don't call myself." This is the point where I ask the customer if her parents are brother and sister. How long have cell phones been in play? Mid 90's? How in the world do you not know your phone number? When a school asks for an emergency contact number for your son and daughter, do you give them that same reply? "OK Mrs X, if your son or daughter decides to Joe Theisman their arm, what's the best number to reach you on?" "Hell I don't know, call 911, I don't call myself." I made this analogy to a customer the other day. I get my oil changed through Kaysville Express Lube, they do a terrific job by the way. If I walked into their office and said "Yes, I need an oil change on my car." "Ok what kind of car do you have?" "What? You want me to look under the hood? How the hell should I know what kind of car I drive?" You know a mechanic is going to come escort me to the back of the shop, tire wrench me right in the knee cap, poor oil on me, and say with a Brooklyn accent "You sure you don't remember your car model you worthless sack of excrement."
2. "I've been with Verizon Wireless since before you were born."
Ah, my favorite reply to when I have to break the news to a customer that he or she isn't available for an upgrade. "Sir, it doesn't look like you're eligible to upgrade until September 2011, you just upgraded last June." "Well I've been with Verizon since your mother was changing your diapers and Ronald Reagan was President." "Sir Verizon Wireless formed in 2000, I'm not sure how that's possible, unless I'm 10 years old? Which of course my wife tells me I act like that." "Get me your effing manager!" Honestly that's how it plays out. Customer's honestly think we are out to get them when we tell them they aren't eligible to upgrade their phone. Last time I checked, some of our pay is based off you upgrading, why would I not want you to upgrade? I'm not one to argue with customers, but sometimes I do have to question someone's logic of thinking.
3. Some customer's are just flat out dirt bags
I ran into this situation about 3 weeks ago. Customer comes into my store and tells me that his phone keeps freezing on him when he tries to send a text message. So he and his wife are standing right in front of me when he hands me his phone for me to look at. What do I find right on the front of the screen? Some wallpaper of a naked biker chick sitting on a Harley Davidson. I look up, glance at him, and then his wife, hand the phone to him and said, "would you mind changing the wallpaper?" He then laughs with a smart ass remark "What? You don't like what you see?" My reply, "No sir, I actually enjoy being married." He had the nuts to ask me that. I could have replied with "Look I know your wife looks like the bottom of my foot but porn isn't my thing." You would think that some people would have the decency to change something like that if you are having someone look at your phone. The best part about it is that his wife is standing right next to him, how can this not bother you? My wife tries to kick me in the nuts if I say the lead singer from Paramore has a terrific voice and this dude has some naked chick on her phone with his wife standing right next to him. "Oh my wife and I are the happiest people in the world." I immediately go to my Dr.Evil reply, "Riiiiiiggggggggghhhhhhhhtttttttt."
4. "You should tell the CEO that."
A lady came in a few days ago to exchange a device out for a different device and was upset that we charged a $35 restocking fee. Look I don't agree with the restocking fee, but it's nothing I can control. So when I tell her I have no authority to change the policy, she tells me I should e-mail or call the CEO of Verizon Wireless to tell him that we should change it. Here is how that conversation would go with Lowell McAdam, CEO of Verizon Wireless.
Chris: Hey Lowell, it's Chris Foukas from the Layton Store, I have a customer that is really upset about the restocking fee and wants us to change it.
Lowell: Uh who are you and why are you bothering me on my yacht while I'm in the Caribbean?
I usually will just pull the Jim Halper from The Office routine when Dwight and Michael ask him to look up Gaydar on Sharper Images website. A few taps from my keyboard and I reply with "Ok it's been sent, I'll let you know when he replies back." If you don't know what I'm talking about, see below.
5. "I got an e-mail and text message saying I get this phone for free."
Everyday I'll get a customer that comes in and says "Ya I got an e-mail saying that I get a Droid for free without signing a two year agreement." My reply "Well they also want ice cubes in hell my friend." They actually don't comprehend why they don't get a free phone without signing an agreement, so I go into deep detail with them.
Chris : "Let me ask you this Fred, why would I give you a $560 device for free
without signing an agreement?"
Fred : "Well I've been with Verizon since 1995."
Chris : "Verizon has only been here since 2000."
Fred : "Well I don't like contracts but I should still be able to get a free
phone."
Chris : "So if I walked into a Honda dealership and said "Hey I've had 2 Honda
Civics and now an Accord, I'm entitled to a brand new 2010 Honda Accord
for free, I hate loans so I just want it for free." What will their reply
to me be?
Fred : "Probably no."
Chris : "Probably Fred? They not only would say no but hell no and slap me."
Fred : "Well I'm not signing an agreement but I want a free phone."
Chris : "Well you can wish in one hand and crap in the other, and tell me which
hand gets filled first."
Eventually I talked Fred into getting a new smartphone at a good price but it was like pulling teeth from an alligator trying to explain how a business model works.
Nothing like a day in the life of Chris Foukas - I'm playing for team Verizon, for now :)
Now being a cell phone salesmen is definitely not the greatest gig in the world but I also can't complain. My wife and I live comfortably, I make a good living, and it puts a golf club in my hand once a week. Is it a career? Obviously not. Only problem is I graduated with a degree from Weber State University at a time when our President is more worried about where LeBron James is going to play next year than trying to fix the economy. Wait, President Obama is trying to fix the economy. He's approving stimulus bills to fix broken bridges in cities in Alabama that have a population of six people. Our tax dollars at work.
Most of the customers I deal with about 95% of the time have their heads on straight and they are the coolest people. The other 5%, let's just say they make Anna Nicole Smith look like Sarah Palin. Customers like Tanya Waters, Teya Wilson, Courtney Pitcher, and Scott Lewis all make the job easier. But it's customer's that don't realize we are in 2010 and that Huey Lewis and the News are no longer touring. So with that being said, top 5 pet peeves of a cell phone salesmen from Chris Foukas' point of view. The others listed above may have different opinions on some.
1. "Ok I'll look up your account, what's your phone number?"
I deal with this almost two or three times a week. A customer will come in complaining about her phone not being able to do her laundry and wants me to fix it. So I ask "Ok what's your phone number?" Their reply, "Hell I don't know my number, you find it for me, I don't call myself." This is the point where I ask the customer if her parents are brother and sister. How long have cell phones been in play? Mid 90's? How in the world do you not know your phone number? When a school asks for an emergency contact number for your son and daughter, do you give them that same reply? "OK Mrs X, if your son or daughter decides to Joe Theisman their arm, what's the best number to reach you on?" "Hell I don't know, call 911, I don't call myself." I made this analogy to a customer the other day. I get my oil changed through Kaysville Express Lube, they do a terrific job by the way. If I walked into their office and said "Yes, I need an oil change on my car." "Ok what kind of car do you have?" "What? You want me to look under the hood? How the hell should I know what kind of car I drive?" You know a mechanic is going to come escort me to the back of the shop, tire wrench me right in the knee cap, poor oil on me, and say with a Brooklyn accent "You sure you don't remember your car model you worthless sack of excrement."
2. "I've been with Verizon Wireless since before you were born."
Ah, my favorite reply to when I have to break the news to a customer that he or she isn't available for an upgrade. "Sir, it doesn't look like you're eligible to upgrade until September 2011, you just upgraded last June." "Well I've been with Verizon since your mother was changing your diapers and Ronald Reagan was President." "Sir Verizon Wireless formed in 2000, I'm not sure how that's possible, unless I'm 10 years old? Which of course my wife tells me I act like that." "Get me your effing manager!" Honestly that's how it plays out. Customer's honestly think we are out to get them when we tell them they aren't eligible to upgrade their phone. Last time I checked, some of our pay is based off you upgrading, why would I not want you to upgrade? I'm not one to argue with customers, but sometimes I do have to question someone's logic of thinking.
3. Some customer's are just flat out dirt bags
I ran into this situation about 3 weeks ago. Customer comes into my store and tells me that his phone keeps freezing on him when he tries to send a text message. So he and his wife are standing right in front of me when he hands me his phone for me to look at. What do I find right on the front of the screen? Some wallpaper of a naked biker chick sitting on a Harley Davidson. I look up, glance at him, and then his wife, hand the phone to him and said, "would you mind changing the wallpaper?" He then laughs with a smart ass remark "What? You don't like what you see?" My reply, "No sir, I actually enjoy being married." He had the nuts to ask me that. I could have replied with "Look I know your wife looks like the bottom of my foot but porn isn't my thing." You would think that some people would have the decency to change something like that if you are having someone look at your phone. The best part about it is that his wife is standing right next to him, how can this not bother you? My wife tries to kick me in the nuts if I say the lead singer from Paramore has a terrific voice and this dude has some naked chick on her phone with his wife standing right next to him. "Oh my wife and I are the happiest people in the world." I immediately go to my Dr.Evil reply, "Riiiiiiggggggggghhhhhhhhtttttttt."
4. "You should tell the CEO that."
A lady came in a few days ago to exchange a device out for a different device and was upset that we charged a $35 restocking fee. Look I don't agree with the restocking fee, but it's nothing I can control. So when I tell her I have no authority to change the policy, she tells me I should e-mail or call the CEO of Verizon Wireless to tell him that we should change it. Here is how that conversation would go with Lowell McAdam, CEO of Verizon Wireless.
Chris: Hey Lowell, it's Chris Foukas from the Layton Store, I have a customer that is really upset about the restocking fee and wants us to change it.
Lowell: Uh who are you and why are you bothering me on my yacht while I'm in the Caribbean?
I usually will just pull the Jim Halper from The Office routine when Dwight and Michael ask him to look up Gaydar on Sharper Images website. A few taps from my keyboard and I reply with "Ok it's been sent, I'll let you know when he replies back." If you don't know what I'm talking about, see below.
5. "I got an e-mail and text message saying I get this phone for free."
Everyday I'll get a customer that comes in and says "Ya I got an e-mail saying that I get a Droid for free without signing a two year agreement." My reply "Well they also want ice cubes in hell my friend." They actually don't comprehend why they don't get a free phone without signing an agreement, so I go into deep detail with them.
Chris : "Let me ask you this Fred, why would I give you a $560 device for free
without signing an agreement?"
Fred : "Well I've been with Verizon since 1995."
Chris : "Verizon has only been here since 2000."
Fred : "Well I don't like contracts but I should still be able to get a free
phone."
Chris : "So if I walked into a Honda dealership and said "Hey I've had 2 Honda
Civics and now an Accord, I'm entitled to a brand new 2010 Honda Accord
for free, I hate loans so I just want it for free." What will their reply
to me be?
Fred : "Probably no."
Chris : "Probably Fred? They not only would say no but hell no and slap me."
Fred : "Well I'm not signing an agreement but I want a free phone."
Chris : "Well you can wish in one hand and crap in the other, and tell me which
hand gets filled first."
Eventually I talked Fred into getting a new smartphone at a good price but it was like pulling teeth from an alligator trying to explain how a business model works.
Nothing like a day in the life of Chris Foukas - I'm playing for team Verizon, for now :)
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